Sleep was a miraculous, yet cursed, thing. My pain, grief, and anger dissipated as soon as I closed my eyes and let my mind relax. I could forget for a small while of the pain and suffering I went through recently. My dreams would carry me on a journey, ones that sometimes would help with my grief. Most mornings I could not recall my dreams, and that added to the layered sadness that was latched onto me. Some nights my dreams were haunting and filled with death and blood. I did not want to go to sleep most nights, not wanting to have a chance of enduring the nightmares once again.

Last night I did not have a dream, my body finally relaxed enough that I slept soundly against Aderick's chest without having the pain wake me up.

I felt warm fingers grazing my cheek, back and forth, a light caress that sent tingles through my body. My breath hitched at the feeling. My heart thumped erratically, knowing exactly who it was touching me. My closed lids fluttered and my nose scrunched at the thought of waking up. I wanted the numbness of sleep to continue. I was comfortable and I loathed moving and dealing with people that would send me pitied or sorrowful glances when they thought I was not looking. I was warm and cocooned in arms that I wished would forever hold me and not let go.

I did not want to leave this.

"Min lille kattunge, I know you are awake," A soft but gravelly purr reached my ears.

I relaxed my features as I burrowed deeper into his arms, burying my face in the crevice of his neck. I let out a breath and smiled faintly as I felt his light shudder. My hand slid from his stomach where it rested while I slept to his heart. I ignored him as I listened to his heart and felt it move under my hand. Every beat reminded me that we were together. Finally. I relished this moment that I had craved for many moons. We would help one another through this. Through the loss of our child. We had to.

Last night I was so angry at him. I wanted to push the blame on him although I knew it was not right of me. The agony that I kept inside leaped out at him, lashing out like a brand that was intended to hurt and leave a mark. I saw the raw guilt and pain in his eyes when I cursed and raged at him. Our child was gone. I had no one to lean on until he came home, not really, no one that would understand my pain like he would.

I opened my gritty eyes when his throat rumbled a bit with impatience. Still sleepy, my lips tilted just the slightest as I said, "You know, you sound like an animal when you do that."

"Are you calling me an animal, min sote?" He teased playfully, his voice gruff with the strands of sleep.

I let out a sigh before stretching my limbs, small popping noises broke through the silence of the chambers as I let out a light moan in pleasure at the feeling. Aderick's long body stiffened from the sound and part of me wanted to roll my eyes and scoff at him.

I shook my head in response then let out a sigh as I propped myself up on a bent arm so I could look at his face. He had dark shadows under his eyes and the whites of them were tinged with red as if he did not sleep well. There were stress lines around his eyes and mouth, ones that were not there before he left, and I could see the bone-weary tiredness in his dark eyes.

His hair was tousled, strands fell against his cheek and contrasted darkly to the scar that ran jaggedly across his face. His brows were slightly scrunched, shadowing his eyes just the slightest. But I could read them like they were my own. I heard rumors that the new Jarl of the Dahlsten was cold and emotionless when I was with my family back in Avaldsnes, raiding and ravaging relentlessly without any thought.

But I got to see underneath that front that everyone talked about. I knew of the man that cared for his family and close friends, relentlessly loyal and passionate of his land and people. He put others before him, took in consideration before his own needs. His patience was patchy - depending on the situation, however, I could see an improvement from when I first met him until now.

But blast his overwhelming need to "protect" me. It has not done either of us any good as someone, mainly myself, has gotten hurt emotionally, even physically. We were better together than we were apart. Fitting together to enhance each other's strengths and helping the weaknesses.

He was beautiful, inside and out. And all mine.

"I missed you," My voice wobbled.

Aderick clenched his eyes at the sadness in my voice before opening them to stare down at me. A sheen came to his eyes before he blinked it away.

"I missed you too, Britta."

I let out a breath before speaking, registering his words as I closed my eyes for a moment to only stare at him seriously. "Do not dare to do such a thing like you did again...Aderick, I cannot deal with your evasiveness and you not telling me everything. You promised me, Aderick, you did. And yet you left me without telling me, throwing yourself in dangers way without telling your wife. Do you know how angry I was with you? Did you not know how worried I was? I was doing well enough afterward, I just wanted you home, until the fight with Marit and then everything that could have gone wrong did. I was sick, wounded, and I lost our child because of it. I do not know how much more pain I can take, Aderick."

He remained silent as his attention drifted down towards my belly. His hand reached down and brushed my midriff with his thumb, a mournfully wistful look reaching his features.

"There are no words that I can say to you Britta, to make up for our loss and the pain I have caused. There is nothing I can do, but make my actions show you that I am sorry. To show you that I am a worthy husband of you. 'Tis my fault that our child is gone, and I shall forever live with that guilt."

I bit my lip before responding. A lone tear escaped and trailed slowly down my cheek.

"I do not blame you for our loss. Not entirely. What happened with Marit would have happened eventually, whether with you here or not. I wanted to push the blame onto anyone I could, besides myself. I did not know what to do or say when you came home, I could not face you after what happened. How could I look you in the eyes and smile as though everything was good when it was not? How could I look at you and not think of our child that was meant to be here?"

My hand began absentmindedly tracing patterns onto his scarred chest. "This is not going to be easy for us, Ade. Not at all - perchance the hardest part of our lives. We lost a child...we shall never be able to hold our babe in our arms or know what they could have looked like...and that is what haunts me the most, I think. With this and that stranger...I do not know when we shall finally have peace, Aderick. I crave that with my entire being, to live in peace."

"I want that too, Britta. But a life living with a Jarl, with me, shall never be easy or smooth. I was a part of the reason of our child's death, and note that I shall carry that with me to the grave. But we can grieve over our child now and fight back against those who did us wrong. We now have an advantage against our enemy, and my men are working on that. We are to focus on each other and heal, we need that more than anything. But this shall take time...time that we are losing due to this coming war. I will work on that. But now my attention and focus are on you and you alone. Something tells me that it has been long since you have smiled...laughed even. I know I am the cause of that, and min kjære, I am sorry. I have hurt you, time and time again. 'Tis like I cannot stop. I do not what to do to make it up to you."

He swallowed roughly before continuing with a thick voice. "I am torn; torn between keeping you forever in my arms where you would be protected or leave you be. Perchance it would be best if we were not together for a time. I would leave you be, and you me. Until all of our issues settle and are gone forever. I am poison to you, Britta. You hate me. It hurts to know but I understand why. You are best to be away from me, in a place safe for you to stay while I deal with everything. But I love you too much to let you suffer alone as you already have. I do not know what to do."

His jaw clenched so tightly I swore I heard his teeth grind together. He breathed through his nose as he closed his eyes and turned his head away from me.

My throat tightened and felt thick enough that I could not swallow. My lips felt dry. The familiar burn of tears hit me as my nose also began to feel hot with the rise of emotions in me.

His voiced thoughts ripped through my heart like a hot blade. His torment reflected my own, perchance even worse to make him believe that we were better apart than together. I suppressed a sob that traveled up my throat. I could not be without him anymore, I just could not.

"I do not hate you, Aderick. I could never. After what happened when you were gone, I do not want to leave your side; my heart could not take being away from you again."

Aderick's eyes slid back to me, so many dark emotions haunting in their depths.

I cupped his face in a palm and lightly pressed my lips against his, treasuring the long-lost feeling. My heart began to pick up its pace and my fingers shook at the immense emotion running through me.

I pulled away, a whisper of a smile reaching my face as he reached out for more. His brow wrinkled as his lips met air and his eyes snapped open.

I pecked his lips once more before sitting up. I winced as my lower belly and hips flared out and my hand immediately pressed against the area.

Aderick picked up my hand with careful fingers and gently kissed my palm.

"Do you know how much I love you, Britta? I have failed to show you, but things shall change, and they shall change in our favor."

I smiled weakly at his words and whispered the words in return. I knew he believed his words till his last breath and I wanted to too, yet I knew our challenges were not over. Not by Eir's words and the feeling in my gut.

This was far from over yet.

*.*.*

The next days passed quickly, a flurry of men from our clan and Jarl Egil's training and patrolling around our land. They were all on edge, which made our people nervous and anxious. For what, the people were not sure. Only those close to us and all of the warriors knew of the battle that would soon brew. Aderick and Jarl Egil made them all swear to secrecy and all vocally promised to keep silent. A clash of the Dahlsten clan against Sven's, whose name I learned from Aderick, clan in the far East.

But first, Aderick took use of the prisoner that he found while away, someone quite close to the Jarl of the East. As far as I know, Kare, Ragnar, and the twins were taking in much delight of torturing the prisoner for information while Aderick spent time with me. I overheard from a few warriors speaking while preparing food that the prisoner's name was Terje, Jarl Sven's second in command.

The use of torture to gain information out of a man was a useful tactic that my father and brothers loved to delve into when needed. More than my mother and sisters would care to tell about. I could see that it was the same way here as it was back home.

After several days of being in the room together, rarely ever leaving one another's presence, I felt as though I were about to go crazy. Aderick loved being in our little space, being away from every wondering gaze and eyes, in a cocoon to fix us - to fix our relationship and mend our love. And I did too. It was still a work in progress, however. There were still many times I broke down in tears, heartbroken at our loss and the pain we felt together, but we were both there to comfort one another and lean on each other.

Finally, after much arguing and debating between myself and Aderick, who was adamant that I remained here in the manor, I ventured out to see the prisoner. It was our compromise to go together, hand in hand, to the little hut just outside the village to where he was being held.

He may be able to tell me, tell us why and possibly what to expect. It was perchance ignorant and naive to think so, but I believed being there in the flesh and seeing him would increase our chances of learning new information.

It could not hurt to try.

Aderick had one of his long arms thrown around my waist and the other waiting to help me if needed as we walked past the doors to the crisp and chilly outdoors. I shivered underneath my furry cloak as the wind brought light flecks of snow to caress my exposed skin.

I felt his arm tighten at my shudder and I leaned into his warm heat comfortingly. My head twisted to the side as I caught the sight of my brother walking stiffly just behind us. The eyes that were copies of my own flashed with numerous emotions, caution and worry were just a few that I could place. Kare's nod to me helped build the confidence that had fled that night to surge within me to face this man.

I was protected, Aderick and my brother would ensure that nothing would happen to me.

As I turned my head, the secluded hut's door was now in front of us. Trepidation and the slight shake of nerves hit me as I was unsure of what to expect once we crossed the threshold.

I let out a shaky breath before glancing up at Aderick. His dark eyes seemed to search for something on my face, perchance a look of regret to make us go back to the manor. But I was determined to do this, to help out in the best way I could.

His slight nod did not escape my notice as Aderick rapped on the door with his knuckles in a particular pattern then pulled away as we faintly heard movement and voices from within.

The door swung open to a darkened room that smelled of blood, rotting things, and other horrid bodily fluids that made me wrinkle my nose. I took a step inside and immediately, Aderick placed himself in front of me protectively. The other men, including Kare and Ragnar, surrounded us in a half moon shape. I watched as the twins stepped towards Aderick and me, and I noticed with widened eyes at their excited expressions with blood splattered on their faces and clothes. Releasing a small sigh, I pressed a hand on his arm and gave it a comforting squeeze before I slid from behind him to face the man chained to the wall.

Bruises of different colors danced along his skin, darker in areas where the skin was split. The man's body was a mirage of blood, dirt, and bile. The dark hair in his head was wet and stuck to his skin, a mixture of what I did not wish to know. It seemed as though the twins were beginning to have fun with taking off small limbs, but stopped at our arrival. I only hoped I could leave quickly enough to not hear his screams.

His unwavering eyes, or eye I should say as one was swelled shut, watched me carefully as I finally stepped further into the darkened chamber.

"Hallo," I spoke softly, taking in the man's blood and sweat soaked face.

"Britta Dahlsten," Terje acknowledged with a small dip of his head.

My eyes narrowed with distaste as his respectful nod only to soothe over the urge to twist my lips in a harsh sneer.

"Terje, we need to talk."

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