Denial is an easy thing.

Denying that I stole something from the kitchens was fairly simple.

Denying kisses from a loved one in a fair game of teasing was impossibly easy.

But denying that I lost my babe is another thing.

As much as I would crave to understand the how, being able to deny what happened was nearly impossible. If it were not for the lingering pain I felt within the joining of my thighs, the sorrowful and emotional looks I have received from everyone solidified my fear that I had actually lost my child. Aderick's child, our child.

A part of me deep within knew it happened due to the infection that once raged within my body. 'Twas almost ironic that the infection drifted away soon after the sun rose the next morn, with signs that my injuries were on the process to healing. The bloody furs were stamped harshly into my mind, with the shocked and saddened faces of Eir and Balder surrounding it. I sobbed for hours after waking up that next day when the sun was high in the sky, unable to be consoled by Hilde nor Ingrid.

Every thump thump of my heart reminded me of the loss I had faced, of the empty hollow ache in my womb and in my heart.

Now I wished to face my sorrow alone, away from everyone, locked in the chambers and unmoving in the bed. Including my newest sister who unknowingly was a harsh reminder of what I could have had.

"Britta, are you awake?" I instantly froze and refused to move my gaze from the side of the wall.

Ingrid, dressed in a dark gown, glided toward me with a tray full of food and water gripped between her hands. Things that I would not consume. It was like a dance, her and I, of power. I lost my will to eat, my appetite vanished. Why she continued to try shoving food down my throat, I did not understand. We were both stubborn, undeniably so, and each time she entered the room, we fought against one another in silence. No words were spoken or flesh touched, just the will of ourselves glaring at one another till one caved. I rarely lost.

She glowered at me before setting the tray down on the desk, untouched, and a glimmer of a smile nearly touched my lips at winning this one battle.

"Britta, I am begging you, please. Lying in bed while the sun is in the sky is not healthy. I worry for you. All of us, your family, worry. Shall you not come out in the sun and play with the children? Play with Alva?"

My tired eyes flickered from my spot on the wall to Ingrid's seemingly tall form looming over me on the bed. Her expression was one of pure hope but I could see in her eyes the worry and fright. Yet I could not bring myself to care. My gaze dropped from her face to her extended belly which made me flinch. My hand ghosted over my own belly and my hand clenched tightly before I let out a broken sigh.

Ingrid's face immediately turned apologetic with a grimace but I rolled over in the furs to face the windows. I was beginning to grow tiresome of the apologies and looks that I continued to receive from my family and friends. Sorry was not going to reverse the events that led me to here. I was still in the other chambers that Balder brought me to after that night, refusing to enter what was once my chambers with Aderick. When Hilde lightly suggested moving back into my chambers, I began shaking profusely and choking out sobs. There were too many hurtful memories that bled onto the good memories in there, in that bed.

The emptying loss that I have felt for the past two sunrises has not ebbed in the slightest. Was it wrong of me to ache inside like a there was a gaping hole in my chest? The little babe that I did not even know of, the little one that I was unable to give my love to, left me before I could have the chance? My heart felt torn, nearly shredded, any more loss and I knew I would not make it. But this feeling of despair was slowly turning to anger and guilt. Anger at myself. Anger at Aderick. Anger at everyone that tried to coddle me. Guilt for being a burden, for losing my babe.

"Leave me be, Ingrid," I muttered without emotion before closing my eyes, begging my mind to relax so I could rest peacefully.

A defeated sigh reached my ears before soft footsteps headed towards the door. I heard them pause and I held my breath before letting it out as the steps revived and left as the door shut. Finally, I thought with exasperation.

In a small part of my mind, I knew I was being ungrateful and hateful to her. To everyone. My pain and hurt made me lash out to those wishing to help me. I did not know how not to. Remaining silent made everyone worry more if that was truly possible. I simply wished to be alone and face my grief and anger by myself, though a flash of dark eyes in my mind reminded me that soon I would not be alone in this process.

Aderick...

I bit back a whimper at the thought of telling him what happened. It choked me when I tried to speak of it. My throat threatened to close imagining telling him. How would he react? How could I face him knowing I lost our child, which he was desperate and hoping to have? Tears blurred my sight as I could practically see the devastation and lost hope in his endless eyes once he learned the news.

I bit my fist to lessen the sob that erupted through my throat. Great Odin, did I miss him. But I was utterly frightened of what he would do, what he would say once I told him.

I did not know when he would come back. I had not heard word of his arrival since that night. I inwardly feared that Aderick was hurt - or worse, dead. I had to push away those wayward thoughts before they consumed me in my grief.

I burrowed deeper into the furs, shutting my eyes and letting out a haggard breath. I wanted to sleep. What sleep I could get made me forget what my world was like when I was awake.

I rolled and tossed before facing the window once more and watched meticulously as a large piece of ice dangling from the window ledge dripped below. I focused on the dripping water until my eyes fell heavy and thankfully closed, falling into a light slumber.

When I awoke, twilight reached through the panes of the window into my room. The bed was shaking, unnaturally so. I blinked away the sleep as a voice next to my head shrieked shrillingly near my ear. I cringed away from what my mind identified as Ingrid's voice as she loudly exclaimed;

"They are here! They are finally home! Come and see, Britta! Vær så snill hurry!"

Her eyes were bright with excitement as she hurried to a chest by the foot of the bed and rummaged through before tossing me a dark dress. I slowly sat up, my head slightly spinning at the motion. It had been too long since I moved around. My body stilled as her words registered in my mind.

He was here.

Great Odin, Aderick was back.

I threw the furs off of me and carefully pulled the dark green dress over my head, covering the shift I had worn for the past two days. If I smelled, I could not bring myself to care. I laced the front strings together and lightly grabbed the new fur cloak that rested on a nearby stool. I did the clasp swiftly, but as I reached up to braid my hair, Ingrid's fingers carefully knocked mine away as she walked behind me. She was humming under her breath as she weaved my hair in braids and brought it together in a low bun.

Ingrid's wide shining smile showed just how excited I should be of the news, but instead, I was nervous and afraid. She led us out of the room and down the corridor hastily where I began to hear loud voices, near the entrance of the manor.

My fingers tore away from hers as I slowed my steps, stopping near the mouth of the corridor, just enough to see the entrance. She turned to look at me briefly. An understanding look reached her dark eyes before she too went to gather at the entrance.

I was frozen, my feet stuck to the ground like the ice outside as I waited for them to step across the doorway where everyone awaited them with positive emotions. My knees threatened to buckle at my own torn emotions and I grasped the wall tightly. The beating organ in my chest picked up its pace, a mixture of gladness and fear nearly making it flutter its way out of me. My body was plastered to the edge of the hall and people within the manor began gathering closer. Excited smiles and words were exchanged as they peeked over one another to look for the returning men.

My hands began to shake when the men began walking in, hooting and cheering, my breath almost wheezing when I finally noticed his scarred face come into view from the end of the line.

Kare's face broke through my line of sight as his wide grin and long body reached where I was standing. A whisper of a smile showed on my features before he hugged my body and twirled me around before setting me down gently. A hand rose to his cheek and I pinched it gently as I did as a child. He looked well yet travel-worn, but that was expected for being gone so long. Thick furs lined his shoulders and snow clung to his brow and facial hair. I have missed him, more than I thought I would. I felt the burn of tears behind my eyes and I looked away to gain my composure.

I felt so weak and emotional.

His warm hands on my shoulders fell to grasp my hands as the happiness bled from his hazel eyes. His brows furrowed as he studied my worn features. A finger tilted my chin upwards and I locked eyes with my brother.

"Lille søster, what is wrong? Tell me what it is that troubles you so, so that I may fix it," Kare whispered fiercely, giving my hands a comforting squeeze.

I was not sure how to tell him - what to tell him to be exact. His eyes, so similar to my own with the gold and green flecks in a sea of amber, narrowed to watch me. As I began to give him a response, mouth open, my eyes locked onto Aderick.

My eyes widened at how close I was to him, I was completely unaware of his movements until now. My mouth shut immediately and I began shaking my head slowly, pulling away from Kare's hold.

Kare's befuddled expression did not go unnoticed as I stiffened and continued walking backward, away from everyone.

As soon as his eyes found me after searching the crowded hall, a full wide smile stretched Aderick's features. His scar twisted with his grin and his eyes crinkled, and I lost myself admiring him for that small moment before shaking my head. He moved toward me with confidence, brushing past people to get to where I stood. I could see in his eyes the relief and happiness of finally seeing me after so long.

But so much had occurred since his leaving. Pain. Loss. Grief.

As much as I wish I could throw myself into his arms and hold him tightly to me to forget what all had happened, I could not. I knew it was wrong of me, but I partially blamed him for what happened in the woods and the loss of our child. Hilde, Eir, and Ingrid all swore it was not my fault.

Then whose fault was it? Was it truly mine? Aderick's? Marit's? The stranger in the woods?

The resentment from his unexplained absence, the emotional run with Marit, and the grief of the loss of my babe created this horrid weighted blanket on my chest that I could not shake. Guilt for blaming him tore at my mind and heart, like a predator shredding its prey for the best parts deep within.

A deep sob crept its way up my chest and the flight of tears burned my eyes. I knew I was going to lose it when my nose began to burn fiercely. I had to leave. Now.

I began to walk backward hurriedly before Aderick could reach me. A hand covered my mouth before the sob could leave, my head shaking back and forth until I could not handle the sight before me.

The anger, guilt, and hurt made me want to collapse on the cold floor and rage at the unfairness of all of this. Why me? Why would the gods punish me like this?

His smile dropped immediately from his face when he realized I was not jumping into his arms, overjoyed at his return, covering his missed face with kisses. I could not look him in the eyes.

"Britta?" Aderick whispered so softly over the loud noise. Even though everyone was talking loudly, I could hear him perfectly.

His voice caressed my skin lightly like a physical touch, but instead of shivering in pleasure, I shuddered in horror. I could not face him. I was a fool to even think I could.

"What is wrong? Britta, what happened?" I shook my head furiously at him. I could not face him. Not now...not ever.

I missed him. I missed his voice. His face. His warm dark eyes. His touch.

But now it was ruined.

The guilt was too much for me.

Everything was ruined.

I lost our babe.

I turned and ran deeper into the manor, his yells echoing off the walls as he called for me.

"BRITTA!"

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