I stare at the boy before me in wonder and amazement through my blurry eyes.

This boy in front of me.

How?

How can one person endure so much pain and still live on?

The wind rushes past us, blowing strands of my brown hair around. Both of us refuse to look away from each other.

He smiles softly as he notices a stray tear slip from my right cheek and fall on the grass patch beneath.

"What did you do then?" I whisper, unable to find a voice to speak louder.

He smiles slightly, "Guilt ridden, I went to the police. All of my previous fears that dad might hurt us if I went to the police vanished. I was numb. I was emotionless. I didn't care anymore. So I went to the police and told them everything. Of course I would have been arrested too. But Sam and Andrew helped me, with the help of her father. I couldn't have cared less what happened to me but they were dead set."

I stay silent and just let him continue.

Another warm tear slips down from my cheek.

"Dead set that it wasn't my fault," he turns away from me and shoves his hands in his pockets. The last light of dusk falls on him, casting a soft glow on his features. His sharp jawline, midnight black hair, sharp but slightly crooked nose is highlighted underneath the light.

"They started blaming it on everyone else," he chuckles humorlessly, "They blamed it on Jay. Their logic was if Jay hadn't provoked me to carry a gun or taught me how to shoot, nothing would have happened. They blamed The Hounds gang, if they hadn't offered me a job nothing would have happened. They blamed everyone else other than me."

He spares me a side ways glances, "And do you know? For a while, I blamed them too. Just to escape from the guilt. But in my heart...I always knew. I always knew that I was the real monster here. I was the one that pulled the trigger. I was the one that went to the police because he couldn't bear the guilt. I was the one that betrayed the trust of Jay and all of my gang members and landed them in jail. I was the one that made Jay turn into another monster."

Silence passes between us. But it's not awkward. More like a thoughtful silence where both of us are accompanied with our own thoughts.

All the pieces of the puzzles seem to fit in now.

How he recognized the fake couple at the carnival so easily? Because he was surrounded by similar signs most of his life.

Why is he such a pessimist? Because he has faced only hardships in life. Terrible hardships.

Why does he have such a soft spot for Sam and Andrew? Because they were always there for him.

He's not Charles Xavier.

He's just a guy who has lived through more shit than most grown ups could ever imagine.

I have no idea what to say to him.

Sorry? Hah. He has probably heard that word so many times, it has become a joke to him.

But he doesn't give me the chance.

"Sometimes I wonder," he inhales sharply, "I wonder what it would have been like if I did something differently, anything differently. Would things have been different then? Would he still be...here?"

Finally, gathering courage, I meet his unnerving gaze steadily.

I have no idea what to say.

But...maybe I don't need to.

Taking a step towards him, I inhale deeply and wrap my arms around him. His body goes rigid for a moment.

But then, he slowly starts to relax. Tension leaves his muscles as he tiredly leans onto me for support.

His breath was warm as it fell on against my neck. Leaves of the trees around us rustled, as if chanting a soothing lullaby.

Resting my head against his chest, I finally find the courage to speak.

"You know Ryder," I whisper so softly I'm not sure if he has heard me. But I continue anyway, "We don't all have a time machine like Doraemon. We can't know what would have happened if we had done things differently. But, what we do know is that, it's already done. And none of us can do anything about it. As shitty as it sounds...we have to live with our choices."

There's a pause. Then he inhales sharply.

"Does...does he hate me?"

It doesn't take a genius to figure out what's happening.

I contemplate on what to say to him for a minute.

Oh fuck it!

"I don't know," I answer honestly, "I've never met him, I've never talked to him, I don't know what kind of a person he is. But...why do you think he jumped in front of your gun that day?"

"Because he had a sudden urge to play ballerina?" he replies bitterly.

I shake my head, smiling softly, "No Ryder. I think...I think he did it because he didn't want his little brother to be a murderer. I don't know Ryder. But I believe. I believe that such an amazing person could ever hate someone, let alone his younger brother."

His arms around me tightens as he processes my words.

"You think so?"

"I believe so."

"I guess...that's enough."

I don't know how much time passes by like that, with us entangled in each other's embrace. Both of us refuse to let each other go but eventually we get tired of standing around like the Statue Of Liberty and lay down on the grassy field.

Grass trickles my sides sharply but I ignore it. Our legs are tangled together as I lay my head on his chest. The sun has long since set, leaving an intricate pattern of constellations above us. Various colour of stars adorn the night sky. The weather has turned lukewarm as gentle breeze blows occasionally.

And yes, we're lying down in a graveyard. Sue us.

Suddenly I remember the reason of our fight and a frown stretches onto my face.

"Ryder?" I say in a grave voice as I prop my elbows up to look at him.

He drags his eyes away from the sky and to my face in surprise, "Yeah?"

"Why did you wait so long to tell me?" I frown not understanding the reason. It's been a year for God's sake!

He smiles slightly, "Actually I had planned to tell you today from a very long time ago."

My frown deepens not understanding yet.

Smiling at me gently, he jerks his head towards his brother's gravestone, "Because coincidentally your cockroach has also left the world on the same day he did. Today...today is his third death anniversary."

I exhale heavily. Not knowing what to say, I settle with a 'Oh.'

Oh? Retarded.

There you are!

"Tell me what kind of a person he was," I softly say as I snuggle closer to him.

Some would think that I'm being cruel, making him remember his brother on the day it's going to haunt him most.

But, to be honest, that's what I'm trying to change.

So the memories don't haunt him, but rather make him smile.

I don't see it but I know he's smiling too. Because of course, he gets what I'm trying to do.

Huh. Seems like I'm beginning to understand him too.

Just when I think he won't answer, surprising me, he begins.

"Aaron was a charmer. He always joked and fooled around. Pranking people was his hobby, picking up girls was his passion and failing classes was his speciality," he lets out a breathy chuckle.

I laugh along with him, somehow the sound of his husky laugh sent delightful shivers down my spine.

"He seems like a person I would have loved to meet." I smile fondly against his chest.

I can hear him rolling his eyes, "God that would have been a nightmare. You two would be like Fred and George Weasley."

Chuckling I kick him slightly, "That better be a compliment."

"Mmhmm. Sure."

I glare at the side of his head but decide to drop it since an even more pressing matter is at hand.

Why he always denied if there was something between us.

Biting my lip, I think about how to bring up the subject more subtly right now.

Aha!

"Ryder?" I muse, "If your brother met me, how would you introduce me to him? I mean, what would you say I was to you?"

Please say girlfriend, please say girlfriend, please say girlfriend.

Please say girlfriend, please say girlfriend, please say girlfriend.

Wow, will you look at that? My sub conscious is finally agreeing with me!

"What would you like me to say?" he asks instead in a smug voice that clearly says that he already knows everything.

Good job in being subtle, Lisa.

Eh, you already said it once before, rather embarrassingly may I add. So what's stopping you from saying it now?

Taking a deep breath, I finally blurt it out.

"What am I to you?"

It's silent for a moment.

"A human being?"

I kick his leg.

"An American citizen?"

Angrily I punch his shoulder and sit up. "Not funny Ryder! You obviously know what I want to hear. Stop playing around! I'll ask again. Do. You. Like. Me?"

My heart pounds rapidly inside my ribcage just like I've always read in stories. My palms are sweaty and my face is flushed.

My chest is heaving up and down angrily as I glare down at him. He doesn't look away from me but just stares into my eyes with a slight smirk on his face.

"No," he smirks. "I don't like you."

Suddenly breathing becomes impossible. I recoil back with shock as I hear those words I've been dreading.

I knew it.

"I love you."

No one could-

Oh.

I blink.

Once.

Twice.

Thrice.

Then I burst out laughing.

"Jesus Christ!" I yel as I roll on the ground with laughter, "Where...where did you hear that? That's like the most cliche confession of all time!"

A pink tint covers his cheeks, "What? But your friends said-"

I break into another round of giggles, "Seriously? You asked them? Oh God! Jesus! I can't breathe! Help!"

"Shut up!" he mumbles as he turns away from me huffing.

I can't help bursting out in another round of laughter as I see his action.

Coughing, I imitate his heavy voice, "Senhora, I don't like you. I love you."

"So pixie found a boyfriend."

"And now ladies and gentlemen he is changing the topic," I laugh throwing my head back.

Ignoring me he starts pulling off grass off the ground, "Am not! By the way, did you know AIDS was first discovered in 1981?"

I seriously can't breathe since I'm laughing so much.

Fortunately he realizes that his avoid-the-topic antics weren't coming in handy and just settles on glaring at me.

After my laughter dies down, I don't waste a second in throwing my body in his so we both end up on the ground entangled in each other.

Surprise masks his face as he asks me in an amused voice, "What are you doing?"

"Taking charge," I reply cheekily, "We haven't kissed till last night."

He raises a confused eyebrow, "What are you talking about? We haven't kissed till last year. Did you dream about it or something?"

I open my mouth to protest but close it abruptly as I realize it.

"Allie?" he narrows his eyes at me suspiciously, "You didn't."

Embarrassed I abruptly sit up again, "Of course not! I absolutely didn't dream about kissing you!"

But I did dream about much, much more.

My eyes widen as it suddenly hits me, "Hey! How did you know that we kissed last year? You said you forgot about it all!"

His eyes widen as he processes his slip up.

"Busted!" I yell as I point an accusing finger in his face, "You're such a liar!"

My voice breaks slightly, "You always knew that I was in love with you. And still you kept playing around with my feelings!"

My chest tightens as I remember all those hurts from before.

When he always denied if I was his girlfriend.

When my other friends went out with their boy/girlfriends and I sat alone in my room.

When I couldn't change my Facebook status.

Of course, because THAT'S the issue here.

"Why?" angry tears start falling from my cheeks and I wipe them away with the back of my palm, "Why did you always deny our relationship? Huh?"

He watches me silently with an amused face.

"Answer me you asshole!" Grabbing the collar of his shirt I bring his face closer to me.

"I never denied a relationship between us," he bites his lip as if to hold back a laugh, "I just said you weren't my girlfriend."

"THAT'S THE SAME THING!" I yell as I start shaking him like a madwoman.

He throws his head back, "Silly girl, remember the time you proposed to me?"

My hands fall from his shoulder in shock, "What?"

He cocks his head to the side and smirks at me, "I accepted, didn't I? Do you know what that means?"

I gulp. My stomach seems to host an animal party in there.

"It means you're my fiance."

The moment he sees the look on my face, he lets out a laugh so huge and real I can't help joining him too.

Yes, his joke was too soon.

But is it crazy that I'm hoping someday it will turn real?

*****

Cool breeze passes us by accompanied by the chattering of cricket. We lay there in pure bliss, exhaustion from kissing so much finally catches up with us.

And yes, we finally kissed.

Our chest heaves up and down simultaneously. I peek at the starry sky from underneath Ryder's coat that is draped around us to ensure we don't get cold.

"What now?" I ask unsurely.

We are both going to different colleges. Miles apart. I'm not stupid, I know reality. I know what a bitch it is.

The future is like a blurry glass door. You can't see through it but behind it lies unlimited options.

It can be bad or it can be good.

Are we brave enough to open the door and step inside?

Ryder places a feathery kiss on the side if my head and smiles against it, "I guess we'd have to see."

Okay, let's step inside.