I still remember the day as clear as a bright summer sky.

I came home running and crying with my carefully applied mascara running down my cheeks.

The lights were all out and the house looked haunting as my parents were both out. Shaking with sobs I rushed up to my room and locked myself in the bathroom.

I curled down in one corner with my knees in front of me and cried.

I cried because of my so-called-friends.

I cried because of my classmates.

I cried because of my situation.

I cried because of my body.

But mostly, I cried for myself because how pathetic I was.

Then slowly with shaking hands, I grabbed the sink and hoisted myself up.

Staring at my reflection, I didn't see the girl I'm now. I saw a weak, pathetic and red faced girl. I saw a disappointment. I saw a laughing stock. I saw a charity case.

I was stupid and a massive idiot back then. I thought that getting accepted by your piers was all that mattered in this world. But come on, be honest. Were any of us any different in that age?

With shaking hands, I swung open the cupboard and took out my grandmother's sleeping pills.

Maybe I was lucky or unlucky, depends on from which point of view you see it, for me that my grandmother was staying with us for the weekend too and she had stocked all of her medicines in my bathroom.

I felt numb. Absolutely numb as I stared at the pills in my hand.

I felt like I was already dead.

Then I took the first pill and swallowed.

Then another and another.

**************

"It was a miracle that I didn't die, really," I remove my hand from his cheek and attempt to joke grinning, "Apparently the old lady didn't realize that the reason those pills weren't working were because they were expired."

His eyes are darker than the pitch black night sky as he stares at me silently. His hand is no longer gripping mine warmly but just lay there stiffly. His other hand is clenched in a fist.

I know how I must look now.

Weak.

I sigh lightly and look upwards the sky, "You might think of me as this weak little coward right now, Ryder. And honestly? You won't be wrong. But if I'm being completely honest," I glanced at him, "I don't regret what I did that day."

In an instant he's on top if me as he places both of his hands on either side of me, trapping me. My back hits the grassy field as I stare at his darkened blue eyes.

His blue eyes almost look black as they blaze with fury.

"Tell me," he grits out slowly, "Why the hell would you say that? Do you have any idea what I.... if something had happened?"

I smile at his blazing eyes, "You wouldn't have met me, simple."

He clenches his jaw. It's clear that he's stopping himself from lashing out on me totally.

"Seriously, Ryder," I say as I smile at him gently, "I don't regret what I did that day. Do you know why?"

He stares at me intently, waiting for my answer.

"Because it made me who I am," I whisper, "When I opened my eyes in the cold hospital room and saw the expressions on my parents face I realized how stupid I was. Not because I had tried to kill myself. But because I had let myself get to the point when I had to kill myself."

I don't know why I was feeling extra brave today. Raising my hand, I again place it on his cheek gently, "I saw their fear, sadness, love, hope, relief but most of all, I saw they're pain and anger. They were not directed at me, but at themselves. Because they failed to notice want was going on with me. As I laid there in the hospital bed, I made a vow. That from then on, no one would ever have to experience such pain because of me. So I'll always smile, I'll always be happy."

I sigh as a tear slips out my eye, "This world is cruel, Ruder. You're right. But it's also so beautiful. From that day, I decided that I'll see the beautiful side of it. No matter how bad a person seems, there's always a light side to them. I would just have to search for it harder. I'm friends with everyone because I see the light side now. And also because I don't want anyone else to go through what I did."

Another tear slipped out of my eyes. Then another.

Before I know it, I'm crying like a little kid as he holds me in his arms tightly.

I thrash around clutching his shoulders tightly as if it's all that's holding me in this universe.

He doesn't say anything but holds me in his chest. Running soothing circles on my back, he gently places butterfly kisses on my hair.

I never cried about that incident.

Not till today.

And I never realized just how much I needed to.

"So you see?" my voice feels hoarse, "This is why I'm me."

I don't see his reactions since my head is buried in his warm chest but I feel a slight smile etch on his face.

Strange.

I wonder when I began to know his actions this well.

If this isn't love then I don't know what is.

I don't know how long we stay there, huddled into each other. Eventually we lay down on the soft grass side by side. My head is on his chest as our legs are tangled into each other. I don't have the energy to say anything so I don't.

Because love needs no words, does it?

And I don't think, what we have is merely a friendship or a like.

It's something so much more that I don't even think the word 'Love' can describe it.

"When I was young," he starts, his hand playing with my hair softly, "I used to go to carnivals with my family all the time."

I don't say anything and just let him continue.

"My brother, Aaron, always was a sucker for shooting games. Though that idiot always lost, he still wanted to play with me. One day I asked him, why the hell you want to play this game when you always lose?" his hand stops midair, "Do you know what he said?"

I place my hand on top of his other hand that was wrapped around my waist as a way to make him realize that I'm here.

I'll always be here.

"That stupid idiot said," he chuckles lightly, "Because it was the only game in which I'd always win."

I smile as he's happiness is contagious, "He seems like a great brother and an amazing person."

"He was."

My smile freezes.

"He fucking was. One of the best person's I had ever known."

For the first time in my life, I have no idea how to comfort a person. Every time when one of my friends needed comfort, I could always say some spectacular words of encouragement.

Because the things they'd usually need comforted on were how they failed an exam or how their crush was ignoring them. Because I had lots of training from those high school teen fictions I read on Wattpad.

But now?

I have no idea what to say. No one ever said something like this to me. None of the books I read had a scene like this in them.

So I follow my heart and for the first time in my life I don't do anything stupid like I usually did when I'm nervous.

I hug him with as much force as I can muster.

I hug him to show him that I'm here.

That I'm not going anywhere.

That he can trust me.

That he can tell me.

His hands freeze for a moment but then he returns the hug with a force ten times stronger. As if this time, I'm the one that's holding him in this universe.

I close my eyes and lay over him. My hands are snaked around his neck and his hands are snaked around my waist.

I want time to stop.

Then slowly a warm drop of water falls over my neck. I sneak a peek at the sky wondering if it's raining.

Hmm...but rain isn't usually warm is it?

Maybe it's peeing.

DUMBASS, he's crying!

I freeze as I feel another drop of warm tear fall on my neck. His body isn't shaking nor is there that annoying sound I make when I usually cry.

There are no signs of his tears other than the occasional warmth on my neck.

Man is it hard hugging someone while you're on top of him.

Seriously? THAT'S what you're thinking?

Slowly a gentle smile etches on my face as I hug him tighter.

I showed him my most vulnerable side. The side that I haven't showed to anyone. And now he's showing me his most vulnerable side too.

"It's okay," I whisper as another drop falls, "Its fine- oh who am I kidding? Of course it's not fine."

A half chuckle escapes his chest. I take a strand of his hair and start playing with it, "I don't know what you're going through Ryder. Because I've never had a sibling. So I won't fucking pretend. But what I do know is that you, Ryder, is an wonderful person. Seriously mind blowing. You have so many qualities-"

"Name one," he interrupts in a voice that is huskier than usual.

"Well...um...." I rack my brains for something.

He helps everyone?

I don't care for others unlike you.

He's always happy?

This world is disgusting.

He loves cute things?

Who the hell eats sparkling things?

Think Lisa! Think!

"You can ride a motorcycle!" I finally yell out.

Suddenly a full on laughter booms out of him. I feel his body shaking underneath me as I bury my head in his chest with embarrassment.

"Shut up," I mumble, "I was trying to comfort you!"

That bastard keeps laughing.

I slap his arm, "Shut the hell up, Ryder!"

"Wait a sec," he gasps to catch his breath, "This is too funny!"

I grit my teeth together, "Ryder! I'm warning you."

He chuckles lightly, "You're adorable Allie."

I groan as I unlatch my hands from around his neck and get up, "You're horrible! I was trying to comfort you!"

He roll his eyes as he also props himself in a sitting position, "No, you were gonna say some inspiring words you read in some crappy romance book."

"Romance books rock!" I growl at him in a defensive manner.

No one insulted my books!

He makes a huge show of sighing and rolling his eyes, "Yeah, yeah."

Smirking I snuggle closer to him and lay my head on his shoulder.

Our previous talks seems to break down a barrier between us. We have both seen each other in their most vulnerable situations so they're are no boundaries between us.

I'm scared, yes. But most of all, I'm happy.

I'm content.

"Ryder...."

"Hmm?" he murmurs as he intertwines his fingers with mine.

I sigh in pure happiness.

But a question is still poking me at the back of my mind.

How will he react to this question?

Will he be upset? Mad?

Will this... thing that's happening right now, stay intact?

I'm afraid to ruin this perfect moment but I know I have to do this.

Taking a deep breath I squeeze his warm hand sightly, "How did he die?"

Everything seems to stop.

Even the air.

His hands freeze mid movement. I'm afraid to look at him so I keep my eyes casted downwards at the grass.

I hear a sharp intake of breath from him.

"He didn't die," his voice sounds strange. Pained and restrained at the same time.

"What?" I look at him confused, "But you said-"

"He was murdered," he looks at me directly in the eyes.

"And I killed him."