I'm frozen.

His lips envelope mine in a gentle but desperate embrace. The contact ignites fire in my veins, under my skin and in parts I never even thought could react. His lips move against mine, asking me to do the same.

But I'm frozen.

I don't have a single idea on what to do.

Now, before you start shaking your heads in disappointment at me and start giving me kissing advises; you should know that yes, I have kissed other boys before.

Cue the extra dramatic gasp.

As I have mentioned it many times before, I'm NOT a good girl. So yes, I've kissed other guys and I know how to kiss.

Granted it was in fifth grade but still.

So what the hell is your problem bitch?!

But it feels kind of wrong. Though I want nothing more than find a room and kiss the living daylights out of him, I can't.

What if he's just doing it because of his fever?

What if he's just doing it because some horny ghost has possessed him?

What if he hates me or worse, himself because of it later?

What if he's just doing it because he thinks of me as somebody else?

As Karin?

Because guys like him and girls like me never end up together. Not even in those stories which always have a happy ending.

And this is real life.

What chance do I have in real life?

Getting impatient with my lack of response, Ryder slams my body against the wall. I'm caged in between his warm upper body and the cold hard wall.

And I really want to lean on the former and just let go.

But I don't. Instead I act responsible for the first time in my life and push him away from me. It takes more strength, both physical and mental, than I thought it would.

He growls softly as our lips lose contact. My sub conscious agrees with him and growls even more loudly at me.

"Ryder," my voice comes out more breathy than I expect, "You're sick...We, uh, shouldn't do this right now."

He doesn't give up instead starts to land butterfly kisses on my neck.

My knees buckle from underneath me and I would've fallen flat on my face if it wasn't for a certain someone's arm holding me tightly to his chest.

"Ryder, listen to me. You're... uh...not thinking straight," I close my eyes to concentrate on my words but in reality it does the opposite since now I don't have anything to distract me from the feelings his lips are leaving on my neck.

"Well I like the way my thoughts are going right now," he murmurs trailing kisses up my collarbone, "Who the hell cares if it's not straight?"

I bite my lips in order to trap the moan that is threatening to escape, "But what if when you wake up tomorrow and hate me even more?"

His lips freeze on my neck, "I can never hate you."

"Well you made it pretty clear you do on that day," I say with bitterness dripping from every word.

He stiffens and reality punches me in the face.

You just HAD to remind him.

Taking advantage of the situation I push him further away from me, "See what I'm talking about?"

His eyes flash with sudden anger, "No, you don't see what you're talking about."

I gape at him in disbelief, "Excuse me? Tell me, who was the one that said he never wanted to see my face?"

He clenches his jaw and looks away, "I didn't mean it like that."

"Then how did you mean it like?" I grit my teeth. Though all my body wants right now is to jump his bones but my dignity comes first. No one can expect me to forgive him flat out only because he's displaying his shirtless body specially after he treated me like that.

He runs a frustrated hand through his hair, "You don't understand! Its what's best for you! You don't know me Allie," his voice suddenly drops to a whisper, "You don't know the things I did."

I grit my teeth, "What the hell? Who are you? Edward fucking Cullen? I don't care for the things you did! I don't care if you're a fucking vampire or a werewolf or some one direction fanatic! You're still you!"

He chuckles humorlessly, "You would never had said that if you knew. God, Allie. If you'd only understand," he whispers, "That no matter how much I want I can never..."

My heart breaks at his state. I don't think he has ever let me see his weak self. When he doesn't use an emotionless face as a shield. There is so much sadness in his eyes and he's not hiding it. Maybe because he's too weak to or perhaps because he's finally opening up to me?

Unknowingly my voice drops to a whisper too, "If I don't understand then make me understand. Just tell me Ryder, why did you say those things? Did you really mean it?"

"No!" in a flash he traps me against the wall again, "I could never mean that!"

Relief washes over me but I don't let him see it, "Then why? Why won't you just tell me?"

Suddenly it seems that all the energy has left his body. He sighs tiredly and leans onto me. I grab his shoulders to steady him as he buries his head in the crook of my neck.

"Ryder?" I say frantically, "Are you okay? Oh shit, your fever! Fuck. Here you are suffering from a higher than a kite fever and I'm arguing with you about petty things!"

I feel like an asshole.

"Your feelings are not petty," Ryder whispers tiredly.

My eyes widen.

How many days have I wished that someone would say that to me?

How many days have I been stepped on like a rag because I always thought that my feelings were petty?

How many days?

Blinking I focus my attention back to the task at hand. Get Ryder to his bed.

Grunting in pain I lift his form off myself and drape his arm around me to support, "Well right now it is. You're seriously fucking hot. Let's get you to your bed."

As I drag his weak but damn heavy body towards his room he chuckles, "Thanks for the compliment."

I roll my eyes and kick open the door, "Shut up. You shouldn't talk this much."

I gently put him down on his bed. Obliging he lies down and sighs, "You're talking as if it's not a fever but an incurable virus that's going to turn me into a zombie."

Pulling the covers over his body I raise an eyebrow, "You sure are talkative today."

He shrugs and throws me a half grin, "Blame it all on the fever."

I feel a slight pang in my heart.

So the kiss was just because of the fever too?

As if reading my mind his eyes darken, "But not that. God, no the kiss"

How? Just how is he able to tell what I'm thinking? Though even this sentence might be a feverish mistake, I can't help a smile spreading onto my face.

He might not remember it tomorrow.

He might not remember any of it tomorrow.

But still this is one hell of a precious moment to me.

His eyes begin to droop with sleep. I take it as my cue to leave.

"Sleep tight," I whisper looking at his half closed eyes, "And get well soon. I'll go look for your mom and maybe find some medicines."

I turn away from him but he grabs my wrist making me come to a halt.

"Wait," his whispers, "Just wait a second."

"Ryder," I shake my head in protest, "You need to sleep-"

"I've been meaning to say this to you ever since our fight," he cuts me off, "Which I started and also finished by being an extreme asshole."

His grip on my wrist tightens slightly, "I haven't said this to many people. It's not in my nature to apologize," he looks up at me with crystal blue eyes that shine with regret, "But ever since my behavior on that day, I can't sleep at all. I just can't get your hurtful eyes out of my head. And I hate myself because I caused that."

"Ryder," my voice is no louder than a whisper, "It's okay. You're sick. You don't have to apologize-"

"No," his determined voice cuts me off, "I need to. I want to."

My breath hitches as he looks directly into my eyes, "Allie, I'm so fucking sorry. So fucking sorry. I know I don't deserve it but can you please at least give me a chance? A chance to make it up to you?"

People have always considered me as the comedian, as the joker. As if the sole purpose of my life is to make them laugh. Never have they stopped for even one moment and thought 'Oh! I hope that girl didn't feel sad when I joked about her hideous looking acnes!'. Because it doesn't even cross their mind that I'm also a person, just like them. With feelings not much different from them either.

I have always thought that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how many insults are thrown at me, how much I've made fun of, how much hurt they truly cause me. I have always blown it off as some joke even when they didn't bother to just say sorry once.

But now looking at his deep regretful eyes and hearing his sincere words I realize how much I did need an apology.

Just a simple sorry.

I can feel tears at the back of my eyes so I look away, "Thank you Ryder. Thank you so much for that. I really needed it."

Much more than you know.

He smiles sadly, "And you wanted to know why I can't just tell you all about me? Why I always push you away?"

In all of this, it had completely slipped from my mind.

I look at him confused wondering why he was telling me this now.

"Because I'm afraid," he whispers refusing to meet my eyes, "I'm afraid that if I tell you, you'll leave me in a heartbeat. Because the people I care about always end up leaving me. I'm afraid that if you knew what kind of a monster I am, you would hate me forever. I'm afraid that if I told you, I'll lose you."

Finally meeting my eyes he whispers out, "I can't lose you."

It's then and there I know.

I know that I'm falling in love with him.

If I already haven't.

"Ryder," I don't know what to say, "I-"

A snore cuts me off.

The fucking idiot fell asleep on me!

And there goes the moment.

********

You know those stupid movies where those stupid girls do those stupid things with flowers? You know, pluck their petals one by one whispering 'he loves me', 'he loves me not'?

Yeah well, I'm currently doing that.

After I checked Ryder's phone for Clara's number and called her, she came running home frantically. She had apologized profusely though I begged her not to. It wasn't her fault that Ryder's fever had climbed higher than Mount Everest just when she went out to buy medicine for him. Ever since I left his house yesterday, only one thing has been on my mind.

Ryder.

Is his fever down?

Will he come to school today?

Will he remember what happened?

How will he react?

"Fuck it!" I yell at the dandelion in my hand to vent out some frustration, "You shitty dandelion! You just couldn't have one more petal? You just had to stop on 'he doesn't like me' right? Bloody bitch"

I throw away the poor flower in my hand as far as I can and start to kick the rose bushes around me too for good measures.

"Ah!" I squeak in sudden pain as a thorn gets stuck in my foot.

"See?" I scold my foot, "That's what you get for going around kicking bushes randomly!"

"What in the world...?" Chloe looks at the scene with an incredulous look on her face as she appears beside me, "Why the hell-you know what? I don't wanna know."

Hissing, I pull out the thorn from my leg and grin, "There. All done."

Shaking her head at me in amusement Chloe asks, "So how did your plan to see Ryder go yesterday?"

I glare at her, "It wasn't a-"

She rolls her eyes, "Yes, yes. How did your direct order from me go?"

I shrug trying to act nonchalant, "Eh. He kissed me but-"

"HE DID WHAT?" Chloe's yell directs the attention of some students around us that are loitering in the courtyard before school starts.

"Ssh," I glare at her, "He was sick okay? He didn't know what he was doing or saying! And he probably doesn't even remember anything!"

My words aren't only for convincing Chloe but to convince me also.

Chloe's incredulous eyes focus on me, "It doesn't matter if he was struck with lightening! You don't kiss someone while sick unless you've been wanting to do that for a long time!"

Don't you think I know that? I'm in expert in teen romances. I want to believe it but I don't want to believe it at the same time.

I don't want my hopes to get too high because when they are crushed I'll feel just as much pain.

"No!" I look away from her, "He...he doesn't like me like that."

Grabbing my shoulders she starts shaking me violently, "Are you an idiot? How can you be so dense? What the hell?"

My head starts to become dizzy from the shaking, "Chloe, stop shaking me! And don't say hell! Bad word."

Tell me you didn't just fucking say that.

Surprising me she actually does what I ask her to and lets me go.

I look at her with both of my eyebrows shooting to my forehead, "You actually let me go? Wow! I must be gaining some hypnotizing powers!"

But she isn't looking at me. She's looking at something behind me with a raised eyebrow and a slightly amused face.

I turn around and take a sharp intake of breath.

"Ryder," I greet him nodding slightly.

"Allie," he bites his lip giving me a small smile.

Chloe makes a kissy face at me as she walks by us, "See you later, Allie."

Throwing her a death glare, I turn my attention back to Ryder, "So is your fever down already? You shouldn't have come if you still feel sick."

He shrugs, "It's fine now. Besides I need to catch up with all the classes I've missed."

I roll my eyes at him, "Goody two shoes."

He smirks, "Always worrying grandma."

I chuckle at his choice of words but stop as I realize the underlying meaning of it.

I was pretty worried for him yesterday. So does this means he remembers?

My heart thuds inside my chest. Do I want him to?

Hell yeah.

But then where will we stand?

Friends? Cause you know friends don't normally kiss each other.

I look up at him through my lashes, "So...do you remember anything?"

He stiffens at my question, his spine goes rigid.

I lick my lips, "You know? After I went to your house yesterday to give you the assignments-"

"No," he cuts me off harshly, "No actually. I remember seeing you but everything that happened after that is a messy blur. Why did anything happen?"

Oh.

Oh.

It's fine, right?

It's alright.

I was expecting for it to happen, wasn't I?

It's fine.

Mustering up my every bit of strength I give him a small smile, "Nope. Nothing happened. I'm glad to see that you're okay. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have this um...thingy. See you later?"

Without waiting for his response, I turn and make a dash through the mass of teenagers. As soon as I'm out of his sight, I start running. Not caring what anyone else will think, I run.

After I burst open the doors to the washroom, I sigh in relief seeing there isn't anyone here.

Taking a deep breath, I look at my reflection in the mirror.

Then the tears start to fall.

!