"I really don't think it's a good idea to go see him."

I keep my mouth shut and have to bite my tongue before I say something like, he won't listen to you, Becky, cause he's a stupid dumbass and I just want to shake him!

But I'm not gonna say that at the table. Grayson's mom had woken us up early so we could have breakfast together before school. And apparently also so she could scold her son... not that I'm complaining.

"Ugh, mom," Grayson groans and I didn't miss the sharp look he sent me when his mother spoke. "It's fine. I'm fine. Honestly, will you both let it go?"

"I didn't say anything," I defend myself.

"You did with your eyes," he's glaring at me, but I just blow him a kiss.

"Sweetheart," his mother starts, "we're just worried that this isn't a good idea and I don't want you getting... the way you were again in California."

By 'the way you were again' I believe Becky means, Grayson being depressed and suicidal.

Grayson's hard eyes eases, "I'm sorry." he's apologizing for what Ms. Clarke had to watch her son go through. But Becky and I both know that won't stop him from talking to Logan.

I place mine and Grayson's empty plate in the sink (Becky is still eating). "We should get to school," I suggest because now I feel guilty for this ambush breakfast and don't want to discuss any of this anymore.

Grayson stands up and kisses his mom on the top of her head. "I'll be okay," I hear him tell her while I make my way towards the front door.

The ride to school isn't awkward, but it's not how it usually is; Grayson being flirtatious with me. It's been silent, so I speak up. "I'm sorry I told your mom about Logan being here. I was just upset and spoke impulsively."

Grayson sighs the tells me, "I'm sorry too." We've been apologizing a lot to each other lately. "I know this whole situation is uncomfortable for you."

And we both don't speak for the rest of the drive.

School was better- us holding hands and basically pretending the last 24 hours didn't happen. But my mind keeps bringing up potential conversations Grayson and Logan will have.

Like Logan confessing his love for my boyfriend and him saying 'I love you' back to him. Ugh. I still don't see a purpose in talking to his ex one more time. What will that accomplish? Fucking nothing.

But there's no changing Grayson's mind, so we don't speak on the matter throughout the school day.

By the end of sixth period, I go to find Grayson so we can walk to our film class together. He's usually at Alex's locker, but I don't find him anywhere and Alex tells me he also hasn't seen him since lunch.

The one minute bell rings so I head to class thinking he'll meet me there.

Half way there and I receive a text from Marisa

Today 1:56 PM

I'm so sorry Reid!!

It just slipped out and I

didn't see Gray coming

up behind me!

My heat sinks to the bottom of my gut. No, no, no, no, no! Oh shit!

Please don't hate

me! I told you I can't keep

secrets 😭😭😭😭

I don't respond and shove my phone in the pocket of my black joggers.

Damn you, Marisa. And damn me for my big mouth.

I look up when I'm nearing my class and spot Grayson leaning against the lockers outside of the film classroom. He looks pissed.

"Grayson-" I start as I step closer to him and before I know it, my wrist is in his hand.

"You're coming with me," he demands, his words sharp, daring me to decline. My heat is pounding.

He's walking fast and I have to speed walk in order for him not to drag me. "I can explain," I rush out and I'm following him downstairs to the basement of the school.

"Yeah, you're going to," says Grayson, angrily. I've never heard Grayson direct his anger towards me before. My heart is racing and I feel nauseous.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I should've told him.

We're in the basement's secluded bathroom, the door swinging back-and-forth from Grayson jolting it open with harsh force. He lets my arm go, spinning around to face me and say, "So, you come at me for doing nothing with my ex, meanwhile, you're making out with Preston? What the fuck, Reid?"

"First of all, we didn't 'make out'. He kissed me. Barely. And I pushed him away," I explain in an exasperated tone.

"Yeah, and you conveniently didn't mention it to me. What the fuck is that? And here I am feeling guilty for what happened with Logan and you're just sitting on this secret. Why the hell wouldn't you tell me about this?!" He exclaims, looking confused and furious.

"Cause it's not a big deal," I say sternly, crossing my arms over my chest.

"To you!" His hands are animated as he speaks.

"It meant nothing, Grayson. He said he was just curious. He's Preston; he does dumb shit all the time!"

Grayson gives a short, humorous laugh. "You're joking right? You're smarter than to believe that fucking bullshit."

"Well, either way, I don't want to be with him and didn't enjoy the kiss, so what does it matter?!"

"Because he fucking put his mouth on you! Because you're still fucking friends with him!" Grayson exclaims as if I'm the ridiculous one.

We're both shouting and heated and my insides are trembling and the pressure in my chest is too much. And I don't think this conversation will end well for either of us.

"I've been friends with him forever! I'm not going to cut him off 'cause he made a mistake!"

Grayson scoffs, "Yeah, except Preston makes mistake after mistake and you always forgive him. That's how he gets so good at walking all over you."

I roll my eyes. "It's not like that," I mutter. "And I'm not going to stop being friends with him."

He shakes his head, "of course not," he's not shouting anymore. "How do you think this makes me feel?"

"I don't know, you never tell me how you feel! And maybe just trust me? You don't have to trust or like Preston, I'm not asking you to. I'm just asking you to trust me. He's just my friend, Grayson."

"Yeah," he mutters, "just your friend who kissed you and yet you still think he's not trying to get in your pants."

My voice is quiet, but I spit out, "At least he can say he loves me," my tone, just as bitter as his, but my eyes are burning with the need to cry.

We both grow silent, and I feel guilty. But I hold my ground because part of me has been wanting to address this.

Grayson's blue eyes soften and so does his voice. "I told you I wasn't ready and you were okay with that."

"I was, but do you know how much I think about when or if you'll ever say that to me? All the fucking time. And then I feel sick to my stomach thinking you'll never say it back," the tears that I tried holding back are now freely streaming down my face. "Fuck," I laugh sardonically. "Do you even feel anything for me?"

Grayson steps closer to me, his hand cuping my face to swipe my tears away with his thumb. "Of course I do, baby."

My hand covers his hand that lays on my cheek. "Just not love," I whisper and softly take his hand off of my face. "Tell me you love me," I plead feeling pathetic.

Grayson opens his mouth to say god-knows-what, then closes his mouth. My heart is throbbing in pain. In excruciating pain. Then he says in a hushed voice, "I- I care so, so much for you."

I shake my head and tears still running silently down my cheeks, "That's not good enough anymore. I don't even know what that means to me. Or to you."

"Reid-" he starts, but I take a step back.

"I think," my voice cracks. I clear my throat and start over. "I think a lot just happened all at once for us and it's been overwhelming and... and we just... need a break. Time to breathe and... I- I think we should do that separately. On our own. Maybe... not see each other for a while."

Grayson's not even looking at me, but I can see the pained look on his face and him trying to hold back tears. This breaks my heart even more.

I continue, "I'm going to stay somewhere else for a while," I tell him, trying to swallow the lump in my throat, but it just grows back. "You need to figure out what you want and I don't think..." fuck, my heart is shattering as I speak, "I don't think you can do that with me around."

Grayson swipes his hand under his eyes, quickly erasing any trace of tears. He tilts his head up slightly to blink the tears away, but it doesn't really help. When he looks back at me, there's nothing but pure sorrow in those blue eyes I love so much. "I'm sorry," his voice is shaky and tears fall down his cheeks.

"Me too," I say truthfully.

💔💔