We cleaned up our indoor picnic and put the leftovers in the fridge. Now, Grayson and I are continuing New Moon. We're snuggled in bed together; him leaning against the headboard and me leaning on him watching the movie from his laptop.

Even though he insisted on watching the second Twilight, Grayson seems more interested in me than the movie.

His hands are roaming my body in a soft, almost teasing, way. Grayson's hand moves to my thigh. He slowly grazes it up towards my crotch then back down in the Most. Sexual. Way. Possible!

My body is heating up and heart begins to beat faster. But I ignore him. I want to see what he'll do next to get my attention.

Grayson buries his face in the crook of my neck and I instinctively tilt my head to the side for him. His tongue swipes below my ear. My breathing becomes shallow, but I still don't give in. He kisses my neck. Grayson pulls the collar of my shirt to the side and places his lips on my shoulder. Fuck, I want to give in.

But I hold off. "Look at me," he demands in a husky voice. I do as told and face him, we're an inch apart. His striking blue eyes are stuck on my lips, "You wanna know what I want to do to you right now?"

I'm paralyzed by his touch, I can't form words, so I nod instead.

Grayson's eyes move to mine. His hand moving to my crotch and rubs my hard on through my jeans as he tells me, "I want your naked body against mine and to make you feel things you've never experienced before." His voice is low and fuck me, if it isn't the hottest sentence he's ever spoken. "If you'll let me," he adds.

I nod vigorously and find my words, "please, yes," I beg, but I don't care. I need his body on mine. Those two words barely fall past my tongue before his hands are on my face and his mouth is on mine. "Mmm," comes from me. Our kiss is lustful and quick and are hands our touching every part of each other's body.

Grayson shuts his laptop, drops a pillow on the ground, then slides his laptop off the bed so it lands on the pillow instead of the hard ground.

I pull back from our heated kiss, "Okay, that was impressive," I refer to the laptop drop, stupidly interrupting us.

My boyfriend chuckles then grabs the back of my neck to rope me into another kiss. His tongue is in my mouth while his hand returns to rubbing my member. I moan against his lips. My hands grip the hem of his shirt and lifts up. We break away for a second so I can remove his shirt.

Grayson takes my shirt off quickly after and leans back to admire my body.

That's when the photos of his ex pop up in my mind.

His ex's body was better than mine, I don't even compare! What does Grayson see in me? It definitely can't be my looks after dating someone like that guy from the pictures.

I look away from Grayson, not being able to watch him look at my bare chest. He lays me down on the bed and hovers over me. I barely feel his lips on my neck because my whole body goes numb.

Oh God, I bet his ex boyfriend's dick is bigger than mine! Did they have sex? Who am I kidding, of course they did, I'm not Grayson's first.

Fuck, why are all these insecurities hitting me now?

Grayson must not be aware of my sudden mood shift as he shifts lower and begins kissing my chest. His fingers slip underneath the waistband of my boxers teasingly.

I know what comes next, he'll take my pants then underwear off. I don't care that he's seen me without clothes before, this time feels different. This time, Grayson won't like what he sees, I'm sure of it!!

Fuck!

"Wait, wait, wait, stop," I rush out as I push Grayson off of me then stumble as I get off the bed.

"Reid, what's wrong?" Grayson asks with concern and confusion written in his facial expression.

Don't panic, Reid! Grayson loves you, it's all in your head. Does he though? Love me? Why hasn't he told me? I don't think he'd say it back if I told him I'm in love with him.

Shit, don't think about that, Reid, just calm down!

But I can't. The anxiety is starting to control my entire body.

"Fuck, I'm- I'm sorry," I stutter, and try to resist the urge to pull at my hair- I go for bitting my thumb nail instead- as I search for my shirt.

"Reid, breathe. You're having a panic attack," Grayson says cautiously as he puts his shirt back on, and I finally find my shirt which was hidden under the bed.

"I can't brea- breathe." I don't know what to do; I don't want to leave, but this is so embarrassing! The feeling of tears are burning my eyes, but I'm trying to blink them away. I can't have Grayson see me crying over something like this. He'll laugh at me.

Grayson cautiously gets closer to me, but I turn away from him. I can't have him see me.

"I'm sorry, you weren't ready and I should've realized that."

I shake my head, covering my face with my hands, and try to breathe. "No, I wanted to. I wanted this, but," I cut myself short. "Fuck!Why- why do I always ruin ev- everything good?"

"You didn't ruin anything, baby. Please look at me."

It's like all of my nerves are on fire and I can't stop my hands from shaking. "I should- I should ju- just go," I say as I quickly grab my backpack and head for the door.

Grayson grabs my wrist before I could exit and pulls me into his arms, a hand cradling the back of my head while his other hand holds my body tightly to his.

"Don't go," he whispers but there's a hint of pleading to his tone. "Just breathe." He inhales slowly, holds, then releases his breath at the same pace he inhaled.

"I can't," I say shakily, but I don't push away from him this time.

"Shh, yes you can. Ground yourself; focus on what you feel. Like the carpet underneath your feet."

I take in the feeling of the soft fabric of the carpet as I wiggle my toes.

"You feel the person who cares so, so much for you, holding you." One of Grayson's hands is delicately stroking my hair while the other is placed safely on my back. His cheek against my head.

I realize my breathing is at a steady pace. Matching the rhythm of his heart beat, I take long and deep breaths. I drop my bag and wrap my arms around his waist. "I'm sorry," I murmur into his chest.

"Shhh, it's okay. You're okay. I shouldn't have-"

I pull away from him. "It wasn't your fault. You did nothing wrong."

"Then what happened?"

"I'm sorry, I stopped us. I just... I- I saw the pictures of you and your ex in your bottom drawer," I gesture to his night stand. "I'm sorry," I can't help repeating. "I know it was wrong. But seeing you two together like that and you were so happy with him and, good Lord, he was attractive.

"Obviously you've seen me naked before, but when you started taking off my clothes, all these stupid thoughts came to mind and I freaked out. My body is subpar, at best, compared to his," I avert my gaze, too embarrassed when saying the last part, "And I've never had gay sex before-"

"Baby, stop it," Grayson grabs my hands, "Look at me," he demands and I oblige. "You're right about one thing, I was happy. Key word: was. Then he broke my heart and humiliated me. Outed me. We're over. Been over for more than a year now. Here," he goes to the bottom drawer of his night stand, shuffles through it, and grabs the pictures of him and his ex. Grayson tosses the photographs in the mini trash can under his desk. "Means nothing to me."

He walks back to me and holds my hands "And I love your body," Grayson continues. "Every inch. So don't you dare compare yourself to him or anybody else's 'cause you have it backwards. Compared to you? Nobody stands a chance," he cups my cheek with his hand. "You are perfect." His hands interlock with mine again, "and for never having sex with a guy before? I don't care.

"I'm thankful you trust me with your body and allow me to cherish you in the way you are meant to be cherished," Grayson tells me and I can see the truth in his eyes. "I'm sorry I wasn't your first, but I fucking pray to God, I'm your last. But for right now, I just wanna hold you. Okay?"

I'm rendered speechless, so I nod instead.

My boyfriend wipes my eyes making me realize I have been silently crying. "Come on," he whispers, nodding to his bed, and pulls me gently.

Grayson lays down in bed and opens his arms wide for me. I crawl up next to him and settle into his arms, laying my head on his chest. I whisper, "I pray to God you're my last too. Though, I don't know if he'd allow that," I grumble the last part.

My boyfriend chuckles then wraps his arms around me and gently grazes his hand up and down my back.

"I'm sorry," I felt the need to say once more. "I really wanted to-"

"Shhh," he squeezes me tighter. "You don't have to apologize. Please don't think that you ruined anything because we have so much time. All I care about right now is being here with you."

God, how can anyone not love Grayson? If my parents only could see how much he makes me feel safe and cared for, shouldn't they want that for me?

"I..." Grayson started after a few minutes of a comforting silence but stopped himself.

I look up at him with raised eyebrows. He looks as though he's figuring out the best way to word what he's trying to tell me. "I don't know why I kept those photos. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I was being nosy," I admit.

"Yeah, but I should've thrown them away. I honestly forgot about them. But I want you to know, he means nothing to me," Grayson promises. He takes a deep breath then says, "The reason we moved-"

"You don't have to tell me," I shake my head. "I see how much it hurts you to think about it, and I don't want you to relive that."

"Thank you for saying that, but I want to tell you. It's not even a big deal," he snorts, but it was humorless and I can see that's far from the truth. "My dad was married before he met my mom and they had my half-sister, Olivia. They were only married for a few years then he divorced her for my mom, but my mom and dad never got married even after having me. Then they broke up and he went back to his ex wife, Lauren, and they had two more kids."

"Jeez," I comment.

"Yeah, so I bounced around from my mom's to my dad's a lot. Olivia and I got along great. We were basically best friends. Until my sophomore year. This guy, Logan, moved in next door. And Olivia and I were completely infatuated with him and he knew that. He'd flirt with us both and string us along," Grayson explains then adds "I wasn't out at the time, but he must've assumed I was gay considering how much of a fool I was around him," he rolls his eyes at the memory.

"Anyway, we started doing... stuff, but he didn't want to be 'official' with me and was against the idea of coming out. Which was okay at first until I fell in love with him."

I hate how jealous that makes me feel. I want to be Grayson's only love.

"but he never wanted more," my boyfriend continues. "So I stayed silent. Then the summer before my junior year, I caught Olivia and Logan having sex."

I sit up so I can face him. "Grayson, I'm sorry. That's horrible," I say sadly.

Grayson sits up as well, us two sitting crisscross. His head hangs low and he plays with my figures while he speaks, "That's not the horrible part," he looks back up at me. "I was obviously upset and confused. But I got angry at Olivia, not Logan, and told her Logan was with me. He denied it and said I was making it up cause I was 'obsessed' with him. Olivia hated me after that and Logan and her outed me to everyone.

"I mean, people for the most part, were accepting. Which I think is what pissed Olivia off even more and she let that be known. Everyday she'd find a way to tear me down and humiliate me and Logan was no different."

For the first time since I met Grayson, he starts tearing up, but he quickly wipes his eyes and clears his throat. "It... it got really bad. I got really bad. And, uh, half way through my junior year, I... I tried... tried to-"

I cover my mouth with my hand, knowing what he's trying to say. And when tears actually start falling down his face, my heart breaks. No, shatters. I can't imagine a world without Grayson. I don't even want him to finish his sentence.

Luckily, he doesn't, "My mom found me and I went to a psychiatric hospital for a month after that. Then I transferred to the high school near my mom's, but somehow, the word got out that I went to a hospital for almost killing myself. Which, of course, asshole high schoolers always have something shitty to say. So my mom decided it was time for us to move." Grayson takes a deep breath. "So yeah, that's why I'm here."

I have no idea what to say if there even is anything I can say to make that painful memory erase from his mind. "Thank you for sharing that part of your life with me. I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I'm sorry I put you through something similar. There's no excuse for how I acted when we first met."

"Trust me, you two aren't similar in any way. You were dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia. Logan was just cruel and manipulative."

"I'm still sorry. You didn't deserve that."

Grayson gives me a small smile then kisses my nose, "I forgive you," he whispers, looking into my eyes so I know he means it.

Him sharing such a personal time in his life with me is a big step for Grayson and it makes me happy that he trusts me. But I also feel heartbroken hearing everything he went through. And then him forgiving me for how shitty I treated him makes me feel guilty because I don't know if I deserve his forgiveness yet. At the same time, I'm relieved to know he doesn't feel resentful towards me.

I have too many emotions but one that stands out from the others is how much I love this blue eyed boy in front of me. So I'm going to tell him. "Grayson, I'm..." I take a deep breath now feeling nervous. I intertwine our fingers. Touching him always puts me more at ease. I open my mouth to tell him how I truly feel, but Grayson cuts me off.

"Wait, before you say anything. Let me go first."

Those nerves in my body set back on fire.

"After everything that happened..." Grayson starts then rewords himself. "I'm just," he sighs then grabs my face with his hands as if what he's about to tell me is the most important thing, "I care so fucking much for you, it's overwhelming how strongly I feel for you." His voice lowers to a whisper, "But that's terrifying for me. So as much as there's certain... words I want to say to you, I'm just not ready for that," his hands glide down my arms.

The nervous fire in me simmers down and I can take a breath. "That's okay, there's no rush. But just so you know, those certain words are how I feel for you and much more. So you don't have to be terrified of me denying my feelings anymore or turning my back on you. I don't think anything could change my mind about how I feel for you."

And I truly mean every word I say... I just hope I dont live to regret them.