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I watch one of his 'stories' on social media. And then I hate myself for doing so.

My ex is at a party right now. I could've guessed that. Ever since Logan started college, partying is all he does.

I chuck my phone to the end of my bed and it just barely slides off the edge. I drag my hands down my face, then rub my eyes with my knuckles.

Why do I care? Why can't I stop wondering? It's pissing me off! I don't even like him! His posts are always boring, nothing to see.

But I'm not even sure what I'm looking for every time I open social media to check his 'story'. To see him post something about himself being gay- or at least bi or pan- so I know I'm not crazy? Him writing something that's secretly for me only? He used to do that when we were together in secret; post a quote or an inside joke of ours that no one would understand, except me.

I don't know what I'm hoping for every time I check my ex boyfriend's profile, but it makes me hate myself even more than I already do.

And I also hate today.

Christmas. I fucking hate Christmas.

My last Christmas was me heartbroken, getting bullied by my own 'sister' and ex-boyfriend, crying in the bathroom, and wondering how much it would hurt to slice my skin open with a razor.

This Christmas, I'm spending it with my boyfriend of almost two weeks... who's in the closet and takes a step away from me the second someone walks by.

I get it. Trust me, I get it. I've been living in this shitty small town in Florida for barely a month. If I had a dollar for every homophobic bullshit that spewed out of these shitty teenager's mouth at Austberg High School, I'd be rich.

So I understand why Reid's terrified to come out. Plus, his horribly religious parents (the type who shove their views down your throat) are homophobic. It's no wonder.

But every time Reid moves his hand so it's no longer touching mine, or tells me 'not here' when I try to hug him or kiss him in public when no one's around, I'm right back to my Sophomore year with Logan. And I'm just waiting to walk in on Reid cheating on me.

Reid's different from my ex, by a long shot, I know that. He's the most beautiful person I've ever met. He's kind, and emotional, and witty, and he makes me want to be patient for him, so I'm trying. But every time I close my eyes, all I see is Reid kissing someone else, touching someone else.

All I see at the end of this relationship is me crying in the bathroom again and fantasizing about all the things a razor could do to me. And I fucking hate it.

I wasn't supposed to like Reid. I just wanted to hook up at a party, have meaningless sex, and move on. But then that didn't happen, and I got to know him, and now I feel like I'm going crazy. And it's only been barely a fucking month of me knowing him!!

I almost want to break up with him now, just so I can save myself from another inevitable heartbreak. But I won't because it's Christmas and he's coming over in a half hour. That would be shitty. Maybe tomorrow.

I bury my face in my pillow, still under my covers that I refuse to get out of, and I groan, but I really want to scream instead.

Fuck, I hate that I'm thinking about breaking up with him! I don't want that, I like Reid. But he's going to end it with me, I know it. And I'll be in love with him when it happens and I can't go through that again.

"Sweetheart, Reid's here!" My mother shouts to me.

Fuck, he's early. And he's walking in my room.

I sit up, seeing his flawless face, and scan my eyes slowly down and up his body before meeting his beautiful green eyes. "Hey," I greet because I know he loves when I check him out and I love it just as much.

Reid blushes, and the thought of breaking up with him flies out the window. "Hey," he responds shyly. He brings his arm that was around his back, out and stretches it towards me. There's a gift bag in his hand.

We agreed on small Christmas gifts for one another considering how fresh our relationship is. My gift for him is wrapped and placed on my nightstand, which he keeps eyeing.

I paste a grin on my face- as if I wasn't just having a mental breakdown- and grab his other, empty hand, tugging him to me. A cute yelp falls from his mouth as he and his gift lands on me. It's infectious, Reid's beautiful smile that he's giving me from above. His hands are on either side of my head.

"Kisses before Christmas gifts," I tell him.

"You're naked," he states as if he just realized that I don't have a shirt on.

I chuckle, "I have boxers on, but I could get naked for you," I offer, teasingly with a wink so I could see him blush again and he does. Then I tell him, more seriously, "sorry, I haven't gotten ready yet."

Reid shrugs, "I like it when your shirtless," his face heats up even more and he buries his head in my chest as if he's embarrassed he said that.

I chuckle, lifting his head back, "And I like it when you're pantsless," I tease and before he can react, I pull him down and finally press my lips to his.

And this. This is what I try to hold onto each time we're out in public and I can't have him. Kissing Reid is like a drug, and I crave him all the time. From the second we kissed at that party four weeks ago, I've been hooked.

We kiss slow and meaningfully. Then our mouths open and my tongue is tasting him and we're both getting too much into the kiss. My hands are in his back, his are on my cheeks.

I slid my hands to his ass. Before we take it too far, Reid pulls back and sits up, straddling my waist. He places the gift in front of me.

"Gifts after kisses."

I smile, accepting the present, and sit up once Reid moves to sit next to me. "And yours," I say as I grab my present for him off my nightstand and hand it to him.

He has a silly, childlike grin on his face that almost makes me chuckle because he's so God damn cute. He's too good to be true. Just ruin me already, Reid. Get it over with, I'm begging you.

But he doesn't, not then at least, and we open our presents, and we spend our first Christmas together.

Then, New Year's came along, and even in that short amount of between Christmas and New Years, I'm already feeling stronger about Reid... it's too much.

"Five! ...Four! ...Three! ...Two! ...One! Happy New Year!" Everyone shouts over the noise of the news that's shining through the big tv screen in my house.

My mom always hosts a party on New Years Eve. So, a bunch of neighbors I still have yet to meet, are over along with Reid's friends. But Reid and I snuck off to my bedroom right before the grand Ball Drop in New York, so we could kiss in private once midnight struck.

So when we hear everyone shout "Happy New Year" and our phones read midnight, we kiss. And we don't stop kissing until I'm on top of him in my bed, my mouth traveling to the soft skin of his neck.

Reid's right hand is at the back of my head, his left hand slipping up my shirt.

I sit up and yank my shirt off, Reid's eyes never leaving my body. I'm leaning over him again, my hands on either side of his head. We're looking into each other's eye. "Happy new year, baby."

Reid smiles from ear to ear, "happy new year." And we're making out again, his tongue in my mouth tasting like the sparkling champagne we drank not too long ago. I can feel us both getting excited and an angelic groan falls past Reid's lips when I press my groin to his.

I'm tugging his shirt off, so we break our kiss to discard it. Before I return my mouth to his, Reid puts a hand on my chest to stop me. He looks nervous. "I don't think I'm ready to go all the way, I'm sorry."

"Reid-"

"I know I've had sex before, but I was really uncomfortable and I didn't -"

"Reid," I try to get him to hear me, but he continues.

"I mean, I want to with you. I'm just not mentally ready for that, but we can do other-"

"Reid, hey," I finally get his attention, my hand pressed on his cheek. "I will never go further with you unless you ask. Do you understand?" I ask because he needs to know how serious I am about his consent and him feeling safe with me.

He nods shyly.

"And, you don't have to apologize. Ever. You won't offend me by telling me no. Okay?"

Reid nods again, voicing, "okay." He pulls my lips back on his then tells me, "thank you," against my mouth.

This makes me disturbed; he's thanking me for something that should be a given. But Alyssa taught Reid that he has to apologize for not wanting sex and being thankful when his 'no' is taken seriously. I wish I could beat the shit of Alyssa. I hope she rots in Hell.

But I try not to think too hard on my hatred for her. So, I focus on Reid and how he feels as we kiss and only place my hands where he allows them to go.

Touching is the furthest we go tonight.

Laying with Reid sleepily in my arms, I smile warmly to myself. Then a thought pops up. I have not thought about my ex once today. It was like I forgot that he existed. And I don't even care. I don't feel like I need to check his social media and it wasn't even that long ago the last time I did.

My mind feels at ease until I think about why I don't care anymore. Reid.

Fuck, don't fall in love with him, Grayson.

He'll destroy you.