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We won our basketball game, like we always do. Friday night, after a school game, is always the prime time for a high school party. Which is exactly where Alyssa dragged me to.

Luckily, all of our friends are here, not just me and Alyssa. And yet, I couldn't seem to get much time with my friends. Alyssa just wanted to grind on me and make out with me all night. The only time I got away was to get us drinks.

And man, was I drinking.

About three hours in and too many drinks to count, Alyssa grabs my hand, whispers something in my ear, but I can't really hear due to the loud, pounding noise of drunk teenagers and blasting music. All I know is she's tugging me along upstairs to a random door.

As soon as the bedroom door was shut and locked, Alyssa's arms are around my neck and she's kissing me like no other. I don't feel too sure about this, but the alcohol that's flowing through my system is helping me to not think so hard. Hesitantly, I place my hands on her waist and kiss her back.

We both begin to move to the bed- though I think Alyssa's the one moving us more than I am. She breaks away from my lips and lays down on the bed, moving back until she's against the head board. She motions for me to come to her.

Just tell her you have to go to the bathroom. Pretend like you're sick from the alcohol. Don't do this, you know this is wrong.

Ignoring my inner thought, I crawl onto the bed and position myself on top of her, my hands on either side of her on the bed to keep me up. She smiles almost shyly before reaching for the back of my neck and pulling me in for another make-out session. Way too soon, Alyssa's hands grab the hem of my tee shirt and my heart rate immediately picks up pace. Not in excitement, but in dread. And that's when I start to sober up.

How far are we going? Does she want to have sex with me? We haven't even been dating for a full week! Then again, she gave me a blow job on our first date. I let her lift my shirt over my head but the more we continue, the more I feel nauseous. She takes her shirt off herself, revealing her navy blue bra.

I pull back from her. "Maybe we should stop. What if someone walks in?" Yeah, I did use that excuse. "Maybe we should wait until we have more time and we're not feeling rushed," I laugh nervously, scratching the back of my neck.

"The door's locked, no one's coming in. Don't you want me?" She asks with puppy dog eyes and a pout.

"Uh..." not like this, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. "I- I do. But-"

"Great!" she chirps then sits on my lap, straddling my waist. "I want you, too. Wanted you for a while actually," she smiles shyly then brings her mouth to my ear. "The longer we waste time talking about it" she whispers in what I assume is supposed to be a sexy voice, but actually sounds kind of creepy. "The less time we have for... sexual stuff," Alyssa says then pushes her lips against mine, forcing her tongue into my mouth. She pushes me to lay down on her bed and immediately starts grinding herself on me, but honestly, I feel like throwing up. Which happens to be a common feeling I have when I do sexual things with Alyssa.

"Mm, stop," I murmur against her lips then gently nudge her back. "This is your first time..." I don't even know where I'm going with this, but I somehow manage an excuse. "I don't know, I thought you'd want it to be special. I don't mind waiting, ya' know."

"Thanks for being so concerned, but I don't care about it being special. Why do you seem like you aren't into it? You're a teenage boy, shouldn't you want to have sex?" My stomach churns at that and I feel disgusted and ashamed of myself. I should want this, right? Alex and Preston wouldn't hesitate in giving Alyssa what she wants. "What, are you gay?" she chuckles bringing me back from my thoughts.

My eyes widen in panic, I open my mouth to deny her accusation, but she speaks first, "You wouldn't want that rumor going around school, right?" Her tone makes it hard to tell if she's being serious or not.

What the Hell? What does that mean? Is she insinuating that she'd tell people I'm gay if I don't have sex with her? No, Alyssa wouldn't do that, right?

"What?! N- no! I'm not gay! I just-"

"Then stop worrying about me, okay? Just relax." I swallow the lump in my throat and Alyssa's back on top of me, kissing me powerfully.

Just relax, Reid, and go with it. You're a teenage boy, you should enjoy this. Why do I always seem to make that excuse; I should want this? I want to want this; I want to listen to the voice in my head so badly, but I can't stop feeling like this is a huge mistake. I'm not even hard as my girlfriend's palming me through my skinny jeans.

Maybe it's not the fact the I don't want to have sex with a girl, maybe I just don't want to have sex with Alyssa. I mean, I was good friends with her before we started dating. That's why I feel weird kissing her, right? I only see her as a friend and having sex isn't something friends do.

I think about stopping her again, but I don't want her to tell people I'm gay for not sleeping with her, or make me feel bad about myself. So I continue. I let her lips travel to my neck and give me a hickey, and I allow her to start to unzip and unbutton my pants.

I'm still not... excited. Maybe I should think about something else. Someone else. Grayson pops up in my head before I can stop it. I think about his arm around me that night I slept in his bed. What would it be like with Grayson on top of me? With his hands rubbing me, his lips on my neck. I want to feel his abs under my finger tips and stroke his- I'm hard by the time Alyssa manages to pull my pants off.

My thoughts linger back to Grayson, imagining his mouth wrapped around me and not Alyssa's. I moan at that. I let Alyssa continue having her way with me even though I'd much rather be anywhere but here.

Alyssa seems to like being in control, and honestly, having her on top helps my Grayson fantasy seem more realistic. Am I a shity person for thinking of someone else while with Alyssa?

Suddenly, my hand is between her legs and I know I definitely didn't move it there.

"You need to, ya' know, prepare me for-"

"Right," I say cutting her off. I'm about to begin my task of 'preparing' her until I chicken out and remove my hand. "I'm sorry, but we've only been dating for barely a-"

"I lied, I'm not a virgin, I lost it to Zach Stine last year. On our first date. Honestly, I'm surprised us two haven't done it sooner. You're just over thinking. I mean..." she grabs my dick. "obviously you're into it." That wasn't from you. "And like I said... you don't want people thinking you're some fag."

My heart clenches in pain. I lean up, cupping the side of her face and press her lips to mine. "You're right. I'm just nervous." Then I flip us so I'm on top and kiss her eagerly.

Later tonight, when I'm laying next to a naked Alyssa, I have never regretted anything more in my life than giving up my virginity to her. I wish I could take it all back.