"what's holding you back?" gyeom asked me

"a lot," i mumbled, looking down.

"like what?" his voice got soft.

"i don't know i've just," i licked my lips nervously, "i've been hurt a lot, and i don't think you need to deal with that."

he shook his head, "i'm prepared to be supportive of you and your struggles, whatever they may be."

"i know, but why would you? what's in it for you? you didn't have to let me stay at your place. you didn't have to meet me. you didn't have to do anything involved with me, and you still did, why?" i turned my head to meet his eyes.

i could see he was hurt, "i didn't have to but i did because i care about you. i care about you and your life and the things that bother you. what's so confusing about that?"

"well i just don't see why you would do anything that doesn't benefit you, so what's in it for you?"

he shook his head, "what's in it for me? you, you're what's in it for me. i wanna uncover you and know all of you."

"but why?" i squeezed my thumb inside my hand, making it pop again.

"is it so hard for you to comprehend that there's people who are actually interested and invested in you?"

"yeah, cus one moment i'm at the top of someone's priorities, and all of a sudden i'm dethroned because they finally get what they want."

"who hurt you?"

i shook my head and turned away.

"maybe you just don't want to let yourself be happy."

that caused me to turn back to him, "well what if you're right? what then? happy you finally uNcOvErEd mE?"

he furrowed his eyebrows, "why are you trying to stop something good from happening?"

"who said this would be a good thing? what if it's all just a waste of our time?"

"you're not a waste of time." he frowned again, i could see the hurt building in his expression.

"why do you want to be with me? genuinely, why?" i felt my voice rising.

"i want to build something special with you, i want to share my good moments and my bad moments with you, i'm not just trying to figure you out like a damn puzzle piece." he started raising his voice too.

"but what if—" he cut me off.

"stop!" he yelled as he stood up and ran his hand through his hair, exasperated.

"why can't you just accept an opportunity with good expectations?" he said shaking his head.

i stood up too and looked at his frustrated, hurt expression, "have you ever thought that maybe not everything is happiness, and new opportunities and that there's actual consequences to decisions?"

"so i'm just a big fucking sack of consequences to you?" he started raising his voice again.

"well look at the mess i got myself in." i raised my voice back at him.

"what mess??" his face contorted between exasperation and confusion.

"this! us! this whole fucking thing where your friends met me and you all of a sudden have feelings for me, and you got all fucking pissed at an older coworker!" i yelled, using my hands to gesture to the situation.

"oh i'm sorry, my bad for having the wrong idea." he said sarcastically. "have you ever thought that maybe someone actually gives a fuck about you and your life, and what you have to offer? have you ever thought that maybe not everyone is out to ruin you? that someone actually fucking cares about you?" his voice escalated louder, "i fucking care kanpo! i want the best for you, i want to give you my all, and if you can't accept that then i'm sorry for wasting your fucking time!" he yelled it all, his voice cracking at the end of his sentence.

he turned away from me as he covered his eyes with his arm.

he let out shaky breathes. at this point i realized i was also crying.

"what's so wrong with caring?" he whispered as he turned back to me, his eyes bloodshot slightly, tears still flowing.

i wiped my tears and sighed, "i think i should go."

"kanpo you can't just run away from your problems." he grabbed my hand.

i shook him off, "i need to go home."

he shook his head, "please kanpo, just give me a chance."

i felt the tears still pouring down my cheeks, "i'm sorry gyeom, you shouldn't have had to deal with me."

"you were never a bother to me, love." he got closer and hugged me and kissed my forehead.

that was what caused me to break down in his arms.

i sobbed and cried against his chest.

"what if i get hurt again?" i sobbed.

"you won't baby, i can promise you that much. you'll always be able to confide in me." he rubbed my back as he cried with me.

we got into his bed and i cried into him for what felt like all night.

he let my cry with him until i fell asleep.

and somehow, when we woke up the next day, we were still in the same position, his shirt still damp with tears.