after lunch, i went back to gyeom's place with suho because gyeom and the boys had to record some vocals for their album.

gyeom came back around 10 at night, and up until now, he and i have been in his living room watching anime.

he wasn't too into anime but i wanted to show him perfect blue, so we watched it.

from there we started talking about his life as an idol and the kind of hardships he went through to get to where he was.

i listened intently to his stories and analogies. he made me realize how idol life wasn't as glamorous as it looked.

as we talked more about ourselves and how much we truly related to one another, i realized how this wasn't just a fling anymore.

this thing that we had going on wasn't going to be quick and easy, or just something he'd look back on in a few years.

it gave me an unsettling feeling. i know what this kind of thing leads to.

friendship, relationship, uncertainty, heartbreak, the cycle repeats.

i didn't want to do that to yugyeom.

i see it every time i talk to him, the look in his eyes.

i see his feelings for me deflowering.

i hate it.

i hate that i can't give him what he so desperately wants from me, with me.

he's so sweet, so charming and funny, and of course very handsome.

he doesn't need someone like me.

"kanpo, are you ok?" gyeom gingerly touched my knee with his fingertips.

shit i spaced out.

i nodded, "yeah i'm fine." i tried to subtly slip my knee from his hand.

he noticed, "are you sure?" he furrowed his eyebrows.

i nodded and stood up.

"you should sleep gyeom." i said trying to smile.

"alright i guess, do you want a shirt of mine for something to sleep in?" he stood up as well.

i shrugged and nodded.

he took my hand and led me to his bedroom.

i wish he'd stop touching me.

then again he's just used to it.

he gave me a big black shirt and some basketball shorts.

"well there you go, are you gonna sleep in here?" he asked placing his hands on his hips.

"i think i'll just sleep in the living room."

he gave me a confused look, "we've slept in the same bed before though."

"i know it's just," i hesitated. i felt tears sting my eyes.

i held it in, i felt my throat burn from the tension.

why the hell am i crying? what's wrong with me?

gyeom gently took my chin with his hand and raised my face to meet his eyes.

"what's wrong love?" he rubbed my cheek with his thumb.

god here it comes, the tears.

the droplets streamed down my cheeks, "i'm sorry gyeom i just can't right now." i pushed his hand away and left the room to go to the bathroom.

i put on his clothes and took my own off. i rubbed my eyes and splashed water on my face.

i tried to concentrate on my breathing but it only got heavier.

the tears came again, and my breathing got worse.

i sat on the floor and traced the tiles with my finger and matched my breathing to each time i touched a corner.

i got up and splashed water on my face again, grabbed my clothes and left the bathroom.

gyeom's door was open a crack when i passed by.

we met eyes for a moment but didn't do anything.

i sat on the living room couch as gyeoms smell consumed me.

his clothes reminded me of the nights he spent at my place.

i feel selfish, having had a panic attack and being rude all of a sudden.

i stood up from the couch and went to gyeom's room and gently knocked on the door.

"mm?"

i opened the door further and saw him with his head in his hands. he looked up at me.

he patted the spot next to him on the bed.

i made my way across the room and sat down.

"i'm sorry." i said.

"don't be, you were overwhelmed. i don't know why, but i know that's the case. it's okay, it happens." he shrugged and was about to put his hand on my thigh when he hesitated.

i took his hand and put it against mine to measure, mine were significantly smaller.

"how'd you know?" i removed my hand and let his hand fall in his lap.

"it used to happen to a lot of us in the group during our trainee days."

i nodded, "i'm sorry, it's just with everything going on, i'm not my best self. i'm a mess, i'm over analyzing everything. i'm truly grateful gyeom, thanks for letting me stay here." i turned and looked at him.

he turned to look at me, smiling tenderly, "anything for you."