6:29am. I turn off the alarm clock on my bedside table before it starts ringing. I have been awake for half an hour now, eyeing the time every two minutes, afraid I might miss it. I turn towards Juliette and place a soft kiss on her temple. I'm trying my best not to wake her up, I know she barely slept tonight, again. I remember it was close to 2 in the morning when she lifted the sheets to join me, allowing a draught of cold air to course on my skin. I had turned around her, half consciously and wrapped one arm around her shivering body. She was not shivering from the cold...but from the ache in her muscles as her body had spent the previous days fighting all the drugs in her system, emptying her bowels on a regular interval. 

Sunday was bad. It was the first day and withdrawal made her sweat profusely and gave her strong nausea. We spent the day on the couch watching one episode after the other, her shaking body wrapped in a blanket and in my arms. Sure her leg hurt but at times it was her back...her arms...her neck. She didn't complain but the way she clenched her jaw and grunted at times made me understand her state was getting worse. I asked her to tell me all the stages she was going through, I needed to know what she was feeling and how I could ease her pain somehow. I would bring her tea and a hot water bottle when she felt cold, massage her muscles when she felt them tense up and run a bath for her when the pain in her body was unbearable. I rubbed her back and held her hair up each time she had a fit of nausea, but as the day went, she preferred to be left alone in the bathroom. I like to think all my efforts paid somehow... but each time I thought she was getting better, something else came along and it was another cycle of hot water bottle, cuddling, massages, puking...and crying. Lots of crying.

Of course, withdrawal affects the mood and some times she felt more depressed than others and her depressed state is what scares me the most. She seems totally irrational when she's in one of her fits and no words I say can lift her spirit. I feel powerless in those moments and try my best to remain patient though I'm frustrated.

On Monday morning I got up to get ready for work and to drop Lily at day care but Juliette became frantic. She asked me to stay, not trusting herself to be left alone yet. Since Monday I've been working from home, leaving the door to my home office open at all times. I can't trust her either, it hurts to admit it, but I can't. I know she badly wants painkillers and she's fighting the urge to go out and buy some. It requires so much will power and I see in her eyes how she's struggling. She's barely talked to me since that day. I have become her enemy, the one keeping her prisoner, away from her medication, locked in depression that has become her inner cell. 

Since Monday she's spent all day in our bedroom, listening to the same music, on repeat. She pauses it just before my chauffeur brings back Lily home around 5pm. When she hears Lily she gets out and takes care of her and I stay close, always, in case she snaps. Her breathing is hectic, her patience to a bare minimum. She tries to focus on Lily babbling about her day but barely manages to utter a "hum" to let her know she's still listening, or trying to. She sits at dinner table with us and pushes the food around with her fork. She has barely eaten and I see she has lost weight again. When Lily is in bed her demons rush in and she collapses on the coach, exhausted from all the efforts the three hours with her daughter took.

So here I am, on Wednesday morning, getting ready for work, trying not to disturb Juliette as I know she won't have to fight any battles as long as she's asleep. I keep an eye on the bedroom door from my office, and when I see the handle moving I walk to her.

"Hey baby, can I get you anything?" I lean into her, aiming for her lips but she turns her head, giving me only access to her cheek. She sighs and walks to the kitchen, not answering my question. She opens the fridge and inspects its contents, then closes it. She opens one cupboard after another, then shuts the last one close in frustration and sits heavily on the bar stool, her elbows on the kitchen counter and her forehead pressed on her palms. I come behind her and rub her back gently. "Baby, if you crave for something, tell me, I'll order it for you."

"You damn well know what my body is craving for." She answers curtly.

I sit on the bar stool next to her, her legs between mine, and I force her body inside my arms. She's tense but finally gives in to my embrace, resting her head on my shoulder. I press soft kisses on the side of her head and I'm surprised she lets me.

"You want me to make you pancakes?"

She shakes her head no "You have work to do. I'm already a hindrance."

"No you're not. If I make some for myself, will you eat some?" She slowly nods and I don't need more motivation. I stand up and gather all the ingredients I need. I whisk them all, my back turned to Juliette but I know she's observing me, and knowing that stresses me out. I feel like I'm on the finals of Master Chef. I heat the pan and pour some batter inside. Once I think the first side is cooked, I flip it, never taking my eyes away from it. I have never cooked for Juliette before, now's not the time to mess up. As if sensing my anxiety, she stands up and presses her body behind me, resting her chin on my shoulder. Her hands are on my hips, taking me closer into her, and I lose track of time as her lips find the soft over sensitive skin behind my ear. Her hands move to the front of my jeans as she starts nibbling on my ear lobe. She pops one button open, then a second and inserts her hand inside my jeans, resting it on my panties. I like this mood switch better.

"Any conference call planned in the next hour?" She asks in between kisses on my neck.

"No!" I answer with a high pitched voice as she starts sucking on my vein.

"Maybe you should turn the heater off."

"Humhum." I have no idea what she said and what I agreed to.

 I grip the kitchen counter when her fingers start rubbing on my bundle of nerves.

"Baby?"

"Whaaaat?!" I exhale, my head bent backwards against hers.

She takes her hand off, making me sigh in frustration, but I suddenly understand why she did that...I smell burning and look downwards inside the frying pan. Juliette turns off the gaz and flips my body so I can face her.

"Sorry for making you burn breakfast, I couldn't help myself."

I raise an eyebrow at her.

"You have no idea how much watching you cook is turning me on. Come on." She takes my hand in hers and I follow her to the bedroom.

............

Juliette's body is shuddering under mine and she's panting while I'm trying to regain control of my breathing. What she thought would keep us busy an hour took us all morning and I couldn't care less about work right now. It's actually the first morning since Sunday she hasn't felt any nausea and I like to think I had my share in this.

"Baby we should have tried sex earlier as a substitute." I say playfully, kissing her breasts, ready to go again. But she's not amused. She pushes me off her and bends to the floor to reach for her spaghetti strap top she quickly pulls on her bare chest before lying on her right side, giving me her back to stare at .

Amelia, you're so dumb. Why remind her? I sigh at my own stupidity and run my fingers through her hair in an attempt to make her face me. But she's pouting. I know that if I don't do anything she'll be having dark thouhghts soon. I have to keep her mind busy and there's something I had been meaning to ask her.

"Juliette? Do you ever want to get pregnant?"

"Why do you care?"

Nop definitely not turning around and the mood has switched. I rest on my right elbow, my head above hers, and press my body on her back. I brush my lips tenderly on her neck and kiss her below her ear.

"I care because I love you. And I'd like to know if it's something you'd like."

"Is it something you'd like?" Slippery slope there Amelia.

"I asked you first. You can't return the question like that." I say, as gently as I can. I know anything can set her off now.

She turns around, lying on her back and I get my answer from her eyes, but I play stupid and wait for it anyway.

" When Kelly asked me that question it was her way to make me understand she wanted a baby...but what is it you said? There is zero chance you'd ever be pregnant?" Shit I knew she had picked that up. Dammit Amelia.

" I wasn't asking for myself. I told you I don't want to experience that. But it doesn't mean I don't want you to...if it's something you'd like."

"I have not thought about it in a long time... when Kelly and I had that talk, she was ready, her body was screaming at her it wanted it. I didn't get it but that's how she explained it. She wanted it and couldn't wait. She was a bit older than me but age really doesn't count. I was not ready and it scared the hell out of me...but I loved her so much and I knew I could do anything with her by my side. We chose a donour, she got pregnant immediately and nine months later our lives changed. For the best. I discovered I loved motherhood and the idea of being pregnant myself started to nag at me. I had loved witnessing the changes in Kelly's body, her breasts getting huge, her belly swelling in stages and resting my hand on top of it to feel Lily kicking was the best experience ever. I was wondering what it felt like for Kelly. But I gave up on the idea two years ago."

"And is it something you see in our future?"

"Honestly? I haven't seen that far into it. I need to sleep now, could you...just go back to work?"

Ouch. I was hoping this discussion would end differently...