Adam's POV

I was ugly sobbing in John's car.

"He-he's just so handsome," I cried, wiping at the tears on my cheeks. "I fucked things up so baaad."

John patted my hand and took a turn into my neighborhood. "I don't really feel that bad for you."

That made me cry even harder. "It's not fair, Jim...his new boyfriend is so sexy."

"My name is John. Holy fuck. Not you too."

"If I were Aidan, I'd rather tap hot underage ass than...old, ugly, fat—"

"You're not that fat."

"Look!" I pulled up my shirt and pointed at my soft tummy. "I'm doughy! His new boyfriend has abs and a teeny tiny waist so small...you can see right through him."

"...I mean, he's a vegan I'm pretty sure, so..."

"Ugh!" I sobbed into my hands. "Does being a vegan give you a tight ass?"

"Heh, wouldn't know, I've never been vegan or had a tight ass."

We pulled up to my house and I cried even harder. "We used to live here together! I'm living in a shell of what used to be happiness!"

John slid out of the car and helped me out. "Well, it's nice to know that you're a miserable drunk. C'mon, you need water or some shit. And for your information, his new boyfriend looks like the girl from LazyTown. So you don't have to be that jealous."

I didn't know what that was, but I let John herd me inside without complaint. He was trying to make me feel better, so that was nice of him.

"Besides!" John scoffed. "Welcome to being in your forties. You get doughy. That's life. No point in crying about it."

I sat on the couch and stared mournfully at my stomach. "Aidan's not doughy. Aidan looks like he's made of steel."

"He doesn't drink beer."

I blinked and stared. "What does...huh?"

John handed me a water bottle and looked, judgmentally, and the beer cans scattered around the living room. "He drinks straight liquor. Less calories. Plus, he's let himself slip since dating the pixie. He used to spend all his time working out, drinking alcohol and protein shakes."

I tried to imagine what Aidan had looked liked at the club, but I didn't remember him looking like he'd let himself go. John was definitely just trying to get me to stop crying.

"Thanks," I said mournfully. I hiccuped and drank the water. My stomach turned again. "I'm not still in love with him, just so you know."

He snorted.

"I'm not! I'm just...so mad," I groaned. "I dated him and felt inferior. I cheated on him to make myself feel superior, but then I just felt even more inferior than before... and now I'm not even dating him and I still feel this way. Why couldn't he have dated someone average? Kinda old, kinda ugly, kinda average! Only Aidan fucking stupid head Demos would find a hot blom blondshel...no. A hot. Blonde. Bombshell. Fuck."

John patted my head. "I know what's wrong with you."

I looked up at him. "What?"

"You're a petty and disgusting human, just like me," John decided.

"Heyyyyy."

"No, it's true. You don't want Aidan, because he doesn't make you happy," he summarized. "But you don't want Aidan to be happy, because you're a petty and disgusting human being."

My jaw dropped. I processed that. Slowly. Then I started crying again.

"I'm awful," I sobbed.

"But I'm the same way!" John cheered. "Here, let me talk to you about my feelings for Aidan Demos."

I didn't care. But I was way too drunk to politely stop him.

"I've been in lust with him for years now," John sighed. "He's the best fuck I've ever had. When I dream, I dream of him keeping me in a cage besides his bed and only taking me out to torture me sexually."

I wanted to vomit, but this time it wasn't because of the alcohol.

"You're fucked in the head," I complained.

"Shut up, lemme finish," John snapped. "Eventually, I thought that was love. I put more time—"

John went on and on and on and I chose to just tune him out. He was probably saying stuff that was super sweet and thoughtful, but the pattern of my wallpaper was way more interesting.

"—learned to get over him," John finished with a smile. "Would I still totally smash Aidan Demos? Of course. But can I find pleasure in other people, sexually? Yes."

I clapped for him.

He glared. "You're a sarcastic piece of shit."

"Whatever!" I whined. "So we were both fucked up emotionally by the same man."

"No, if you'd pay attention, you'd know that I learned the distinction between being—"

"BLAH blah. Whatever! We need to get over him!" I decided. "Starting with one simple task—"

"Also, weren't you the one who fucked him up emotionally? By cheating on him and teaching him that the people he loves most can betray him?"

"John! Stop... stop interrupting," I sighed, waving him off. "We need to get over Aidan Demos. Well... I'm over him, I just need to learn to live with the fact that he's fucking. A kid. Who is way hotter than I ever was or ever will be."

John grinned an evil grin. "And what's the best way to get over a man? Get under a new one."

He was right. The future was so clear. I needed to fuck Jerry McQueen to get Aidan Demos out of my system.

"I know," I said, grabbing John's arm to convey urgency. "If Aidan can manipulate a college student to bend to his will, so can I! I'll fuck Jerry McQueen until I never feel jealous of Finn and Aidan ever again!"

John facepalmed. "No, holy hell."

"What?"

"You texted me saying that he's using that as blackmail to make you give him better grades that he deserves."

The alcohol made me honest. "No, he deserves As," I corrected. "Besides using occasional bad language, his essays have wonderful logic and reasoning behind the theses."

John stared at me. "You are scum. Why do I talk to you?"

Why was freaking John of all people calling me scum?

"Fuck you," I slurred. "This is the beginning of a new era. Imma...I'm gonna beat the living shit out of that Robert crackhead. And Jerry's gonna sleep with me."

"Alcohol makes you delusional," John noted. "You should probably never binge drink again. Master Robert would use your bones as a toothpick to clean his teeth out after he eats you."

"Ew."

"Also, Jerry isn't gonna fuck you," he drawled. "He hates you. You had passionate hate sex, which is always fun! But it's generally a one time thing."

My heart sank. "Nobody else has fucked me in years. I have no other hope."

John wiggled his eyebrows. "That's where you're wrong." He gestures up and down his body. "Wanna piece of this? Because you could have it."

This was my life now.

I groaned and nodded. "Okay, fine. I guess... I guess all we have is each other."

John grinned and made an obnoxious, excited squealing noise. He hopped into my lap and wrapped his arms around my neck. "I'm so happy you've finally come around! This'll be so much fun."

Yup.

This was my life now.