I barely survived losing Katie the first time. But the second time, I was ready.

I stood at her bedside. I gripped her hand as tightly as I could. I filled the room with her favourite things: orange nail polish, the stuffed bear that always sat on her bed, her favourite knit sweater and an old friendship bracelet.

My parents stood on the other side of her bed. My mom was crying. My dad was a stoic anchor. I couldn't cry if I wanted to. I was hollow from the inside out, a barren desert. A wasteland.

I glanced at Katie's face and saw all the life it was once flooded with. I could picture her toothy grin, her bright laughter, feel her scrawny elbows jutting out when I gave her piggyback rides. I could feel her ruthless gaze, that hard steel that melted into silk in a flash. Katie was more like me than I had ever realized. We were jagged around the edges, but soft as cotton within.

A doctor entered the room and suddenly, the lights were dimmed. He asked a question to my parents. From the corner of my eye, I watched my father nod and pull out his phone. Then a song was playing. I barely registered it, but I pulled the memory out from somewhere deep in the past. It was Katie's favourite song. The one she'd be dancing to every summer night when I fell asleep on the couch.

As the doctor prepared for the end, I could smell the s'mores Katie used to burn. The vanilla perfume she loved to drown herself in. The waffles my mom baked for her every Sunday morning. I could feel her tiny hand holding mine when we were kids; I could see her wide eyes staring up at me, making me feel like the bravest kid in the world.

I needed time. Hours or days. Seconds, even. I would taken anything. Any last moment to sit here with her, thinking maybe she could still hear me. Maybe she could wake up. Maybe she would make this all okay again.

"Wait," I said. The doctor turned towards me. My parents watched, confused. "I need a minute with her."

When the room cleared, I pulled back the blanket on Katie's bed and laid down beside her. I wrapped her in my arms, cradled her head against my chest. Something tore through me, ripping me open from the inside out. I waited to cry. Nothing came.

After all this time, I still couldn't find the words to say to her. Sorry and I love you didn't seem like enough. Instead I held her hand and closed my eyes. I pictured her asleep beside me and we were kids again, tucked away on the grass in the backyard, grass stains on both our knees. I could see the vast open sky above us. Feel the sun on my skin, the wind in my hair. I pictured her up there, finally sleeping on the clouds. Safe and happy. Alive and bright. Katie, the girl in the sky.

My eyes opened and we were back in the dim hospital room. Her eyes were closed. I brushed the hair off her forehead. I kissed her cheek. I told her that I loved her. I hoped that wherever she was now and wherever she'd soon be, that she could hear me. That she would believe me.

The door creaked open and the room filled with people again. I stood at Katie's side, clutching her hand. Don't leave me, I thought. Not yet. Not ever.

My mom fluffed out her pillow as she shook with sobs. My dad tucked her in, pulling the blanket right up to her chin. I stood there, a buoy out at sea, lost somewhere in the night. I never took my eyes off her. Not for a single second. Not when the machines turned off. Not when my mom buried her head into my dad's chest. Not when the room fell silent and I knew she was gone.

The world seemed to shift right on its axis. Everything went dark when Katie did. All the light was pulled from the world, disappearing with her. And every scar on me that had begun to heal was torn right open. She was gone. Gone gone gone gone. I wanted to sink down with her. Bury me with her. Take me with her. Anywhere but here, in this crushing world that felt impossible to breathe in.

I sank onto the bed beside her. I held her face in my hands. You're okay now, I thought. You're okay. It's okay. It'll be okay. I told her all the words I wished someone would tell me.

Faintly, I heard the door to the room open. Someone walked in. I felt her stand beside me, heard the tears the fell down her cheeks like water ebbing downhill. Eden placed her hand on my shoulder. It was pulling me apart, limb by limb. I shut my eyes. I choked back the sobs, the tears.

It was our second time in this hospital now, losing the same girl. I thought the pain the first time would end me. But this— this was endless. A black hole. No other sadness would ever compare. I'd give anything to feel the pain I felt that summer night. It was a fraction of this. This was crushing, unescapable. I was ash littering the ground. The fire had fully burnt out.

Unaware of where I was going, I stood up. I didn't want to leave Katie's side, but these four walls were moving in, threatening to crush me. Why run? I thought. Let them. I squeezed my sister's hand for what was painfully the last time and stumbled into the hallway. Everything was spinning. My eyesight was blurry. Had I managed to cry? To rid of the smallest scrape of sorrow inside me?

I made it down the elevator and pushed through the hospital doors. I gulped down the fresh air like a drowning man. I kept walking, kept moving. Crossed the street and then another one. It was the middle of the night. There were no cars, no people. I stopped when my feet gave out, just fell to the ground and tucked my head between my knees.

I felt like a stone plucked up and dropped into a lake, doomed to sink beneath the murky tide; like a wanderer dropped in a forest with trees lining every side, without a compass or a sign; like a boy that lost his youth too soon and scrambled hopelessly to put his life back together again, piece by broken piece.

The agony felt endless. The pain a deep well inside me. I was weighted by grief; it had only been minutes and I was already too weak to survive just that. How would I go on? Continue? Stand back up and keep living some semblance of a normal life?

And then the wind blew. It rattled off wind chimes at a nearby shop. My heart stopped. That sound, that carefree jingle—it was Katie's laughter. All of a sudden, the shadows seemed to part and some shred of light returned. I could see Katie skipping down the sidewalks. I could see her smile, bright as the morning sun. The world was still filled with her. Memories and moments took over the air. She was everywhere, alive through me. I wanted to wrap my hand around her arm. Stay, I'd say. She would this time. There was nowhere left to go.

I'd tie a string around her arm and the other end around mine. I'd tether her to me. We'd get lost together this time. We'd fly through the clouds as one. She didn't need to be scared anymore, I'd be with her every step of the way. And she with me.

I could picture her standing in front of me, seeing the mess I had become. Sitting on the sidewalk like some broken lump of clay. Get up, Katie would say, rolling her eyes. So dramatic. Katie, the girl that never sat still. Katie, the girl who never gave up. My sister, the girl who held my hand and walked with me.

And I knew, deep down, this was the last thing she'd want. She wouldn't want her death to be the end of my life, the end of my happiness. She'd want it to be the beginning. She'd want me to be restless, alive. She'd want me to be like she was on those summer days when she'd bounce around the house, full of movement and life until her very last breath.

Would Katie want me to sink to my knees? Would she want me to stop keeping score and give up? To barricade the doors, lock them up and swallow the key? I knew the answer.

My bones screamed, my heart was in shambles, but I stood up. I kept walking with no idea where I was going. Just knowing that she'd want me to go somewhere.

I'll do this for you, Katie, I thought. I'd fight for her. I'd live for her. I couldn't believe that she was gone for good. I knew she was up there somewhere. Nestled between clouds. Looking down, smiling.

I had to believe it. I had to.

___________________

welcome back. i'm bringing you

the end to this book. hope you enjoy

and thanks for being here with me!