I guess I thought my parents would change their minds about Katie. That a week would pass and they'd realize taking their daughter off life support would turn out to be a mistake. It seemed pretty obvious to me. Selfish, but obvious.

The three of us were sitting in the hospital room. It had become our new family room, the only place we were all together. My parents were on the couch and I was on the edge of Katie's bed. Her feet stuck out from the blanket and her toenails were painted yellow, no doubt by my mother's hands. If anything she should have chosen black, for the funeral we'd have to plan.

I looked away. I closed my eyes, clenched my jaw. My fingers twitched for a cigarette. I pushed the weakness down.

The doctor walked in, long white beard and round stomach. He was smiling in that soft way doctors did around us. Like anything a bit rougher would rip us to shreds. He was right. It would have.

They started talking about Katie's options. Again, I tuned out.

I thought about Eden. How I still hadn't told her. I think I was still waiting for my parents to change their minds. For a banner to roll down from the ceiling that read "Gotcha!" Once Eden knew, it was all over. It became real. And it was easier for me to keep all this pain inside. I didn't want to pass it on to her. Not when she had only just started to feel happy again.

But if my parents went through with this. . . I didn't know how much time Katie had left. How many days we'd have to say our goodbyes. They had to make their choice so I could make mine.

I reached into my pocket and felt the rigid edges of the cigarette pack. I ran my finger against it, reminded myself to keep breathing.

I closed my eyes. All I saw was black and I wondered what Katie saw. I hoped she saw blue. That there were clouds and sunshine and that sound the sun's rays make on summer days. I didn't want her to spend an eternity staring into a void of darkness.

How do you say goodbye to your little sister? How do you say goodbye to someone who isn't present to hear it? I needed her to wake up, right now, for just one second. I needed to tell her I was sorry. There were so many words I had to say.

Then I heard those two words again, "life support." It was my dad's voice this time. I opened my eyes and the doctor was nodding. I read his lips. Whenever you're ready. That was the problem. I never would be.

Pulling the plug felt like giving up. And I couldn't give up on Katie. Not before I could give her the sky.

When the doctor left, my mom was crying with her head on my dad's chest.

"Don't do this," I said, not recognizing my own voice. "She can still wake up. She's still fighting. I know she is."

I turned to my sister. I grabbed her hand, I brushed the hair off her face. Her eyes were closed. Her skin was pale. The study hum of the heart-beat monitor played around us. I squeezed her hand so tightly, begging her to wake up. "Please," I whispered, blinking through tears. "Show them you're still here, Katie. Show them."

But she only lay there, lifeless. Not moving. Not breathing on her own. No witty come back this time. No yelling. There was no smile, no grip from her fingers. She was here but she wasn't and, god, I knew what that felt like.

"Truman?" My dad again. He was crying through the words. I didn't look. I already knew what he would say. "It'll happen in two weeks."

I couldn't breathe. Pain ripped through my chest. My heart was burning. Breaking. I tried to stand up and stumbled back down. No. No no no no no. I grabbed Katie's face. I said her name. I screamed her name. I begged and I begged and I begged for her to wake up. Right now. There's no time left. You have to wake up.

I felt hands on my shoulders, pulling me back. I fought it, tried to push them off. I needed another minute with her. Fourteen days wouldn't be enough. I needed these sixty seconds too.

I screamed her name, tried to reach out and grab her hand but I couldn't move with my dad holding onto me. So I gave up. I fell to the floor. My head hit my knees and I curled into a ball beside my sister's body. I wanted to shrink into myself. I wanted to disappear. More than anything, I wanted to switch places with her. Take me instead. Kill me instead.

I grabbed the cigarette pack. I held onto it like it was the only thing keeping my heart beating. I sat up. I pushed past my father. I ignored my mom's tears. I stumbled out of the hospital room and down the hallway, never letting go of those cigarettes.

I must have been losing my mind because I kept wishing for Eden and then she was there, in front of me. The elevator doors opened and I ran to her. She looked like an angel, bathed in yellow. I knew I was imagining it, but I tugged her to my chest anyway. I waited to feel whole again. Waited for the love I had for her to stitch me up and sew me shut.

It never happened.

I grabbed her face. I let her go. I walked into the elevator and watched the door shut. Eden spun around, watching me. Her lips were moving, eyebrows creased in the middle.

She's not real, I told myself. None of this is real. None of it.

Her hand reached out but the doors were already closing. And then I was moving, down down down. Closer to Earth. The cigarettes were still there, in my hand. I held them tighter. My throat was burning. My eyes were watering.

When the elevator doors opened I ran through them, down the hallway and straight outside. The sun hit my face first, then the wind. I sank down right there, on the sidewalk, in the middle of the hospital entrance. I fumbled for a lighter, ripped open the fresh pack and stuck a cigarette between my lips. I lit it. I breathed. I lay down, resting my head on the cold ground.

I stared up and all I saw was the concrete ceiling above me. It wasn't right. This isn't right. I got on my knees and crawled until I saw the open sky. Then I lay down and stared at the blue. Better, I thought, blowing smoke up into the sky.

Then I closed my eyes. I told myself if Katie was leaving, then so was I.

It could have been an hour that passed, or maybe a minute, before I heard someone call my name. There were footsteps. Then a hand shook my shoulder. I opened one eye. Eden was kneeling beside me. Her eyes were red. Her cheeks were stained with tears.

I reached up to touch her, this angel, and she pulled away.

She wasn't saying my name—she was yelling it.

She wasn't shaking my shoulder—she was punching it.

Eden was screaming. Crying. And I forced myself to sit up. Forced myself to focus, to stop staring at the sky. I heard my own voice but couldn't make out the words.

She was yelling, pushing my chest over and over. I kept stepping backwards. The cigarette fell from my lips.

"You knew!" she yelled. "You knew about this for a week and you didn't tell me? She's my best friend, Truman. My best friend. You're not the only person that loves her!"

I bent down, scrambling for the cigarette I dropped. Eden grabbed it from my hand, threw it across the sidewalk. She kept screaming. I kept blinking.

She grabbed my face, yelled my name. She pinched my cheeks. "Truman?"

"I'm sorry," I said, walking backwards.

Her hands fell to her sides. I could see the heartbreak on her face, in her eyes.

"I couldn't tell you," I kept saying. "I couldn't make it real."

Eden ran to me, pounded her fists on my chest. She was crying, sobbing now. I reached for her, tried to pull her into me, but she fought me. She stepped away.

"You should have told me," she cried.

"I love you," I said. They were the only words my mind could think of.

Eden shook her head. "You shouldn't," she said. "We shouldn't love each other. We can't." She looked down at her hands, touched her thumb to her pinky. "We can't do this anymore, Truman."

Whatever shred of light that was left inside me burnt out once Eden turned around and walked away.

___________________

hello. i promise for real this time, regular updates will resume weekly! stay tuned.

also: i've been contemplating writing this on the Episode app. for those of you who have read my work on Episode, thoughts? x

in case you missed it: my book RIVALS is being published! head over to my instagram for more details!