Serena

Christmas was finally here!

There was a festive spirit in the air all around me.

The Christmas Market was a few days ago and it great success with so many people coming to support it.

Our stall did pretty well too. Elias has baked an array of Christmas-themed goodies and I made my carrot cupcakes, and I had Elias to help at a snowman-themed icing on top of them. It was only really fresh cream and a little carrot design, but people believe what you tell them when it comes to food. Especially dessert.

The Hunter family came to support us as well, which of course, included Liam. By sheer coincidence, I wasn't at the stall at that time, instead I was in the store, bringing some more of the cakes.

I didn't have to face him then, but I got the message about Christmas Dinner and it was expected of me to be there.

My parents even called me, telling me they were going to be coming to the dinner and also kindly informed me they'd stay with me too.

On Christmas Eve morning, I was greeted with my parents at the doorstep with presents in hand, and extra cheerful.

We were actually meant to spend Christmas Day with the Hunters and the thought of that wasn't exactly putting me in the cheeriest of moods.

It most definitely wasn't them...it was just me. I felt lost.

Everything in my life was in order, yet there just seemed to be something missing.

Liam wasn't my missing piece, I know that, but he was like my unsolvable puzzle.

When my parents asked me if I was going to be joining, a question they already knew the answer to, since I was still sitting in the living room with my joggers on and with Daisy lying by my feet.

I told them I couldn't and they didn't push. After they left, I decided I couldn't be at home.

Being at home alone on Christmas like this was usually okay, but right now it felt as the whole room was closing in on me.

So I thought I couldn't use some fresh air, as well as Daisy.

This was the reason why right now, I was standing by a frozen lake, with Daisy running about and playing.

Just as I was admiring the winter view...

"Rena."

The sound of his voice had me frozen, more than the lake that I was stood in front of.

I didn't want to turn around.

Every part of me was screaming not to turn around and yet, I knew had to finally face him.

When I turned around, I saw Liam standing right in front of me, enough that he if he reached out, the tips of his fingers would just touch my coat.

His face looked a little red from the cold, his coat and scarf wrapped around him, but what caught my attention the most were his eyes.

Despite all that's happened between Liam and I, he's never looked at me this way.

I couldn't quite describe the look he was giving me. The anger was clearly present, but it was the hurt and disappointment that got to me the most.

"Liam?" I questioned him. "W-what are you-"

"-Doing here?" He finished off my question for me. "That's actually a good question, but I'd rather you answer that yourself," he said, crossing his arms.

The way he asked seemed like he knew the answer already, but of course I knew that wasn't true.

If he knew anything, I wouldn't of felt like this.

"I..." just as I began to say, Liam let out a hummed sound with a skeptical look on his face.

"Yes, please go on," he started and gestured forward with his hand. "Tell me why you are standing here alone at some random place, rather than being at the Christmas dinner you're supposed to be at?"

He gave me this incredulous look, and I knew that whatever answer I would give me, he wouldn't believe me.

"Liam-" once again I started, but not knowing what I'd even say to him.

He instead stepped forward, his arms now by his side. "Go on, Serena. Lie to me. Give me a good excuse that I can then go back and tell my daughter, who has been sitting on the staircase, waiting for you to walk through the front door."

I felt a pang of hurt in my chest with the image of Bea waiting for me eagerly, that was now etched into my mind.

"Give me a reason that I can go back and tell Bea, letting her know why her favourite person, in the world, isn't at Christmas dinner, but instead standing at a lake alone," Liam continued and I was left speechless.

He then looked around, his eyes on the lake.

"Is this better?" He asked, and then looked back at me. "Is being here, really better than being near me?"

"What?" I ask him, still not understanding what I should say to him.

"Don't lie to me, Serena." Liam told me, shaking his head, his eyes almost pleading me not to tell him anything that wasn't the truth.

He closed his eyes, letting out an amused breath and looked back at me.

"I don't know what the hell I've done to make you not be able to be in the same room with me," he said, but it almost seemed like it was more to himself. "You've avoided me for weeks on end, not answering my calls or anything. I thought we were past this point?"

The problem was that he didn't know.

He didn't remember and it hurt.

The one moment I thought my long-suppressed dream had come true, and to him, it wasn't even a memory.

"We are-" I wanted to say we were past that point of being some kind of enemies.

"But?" Liam interrupted me, waiting on and answer, but I gave him nothing but silence.

He then ran his hand over his face, from clear frustration.

Liam then gestured towards me. "I left dinner in search of you-" he told me, his eyebrows knitted together and then waved the arm about, "-I called everyone, until finally Danny told me where you were."

His words had left me shocked. "Danny told you?"

Of all people to tell him where I was, Danny would be at the very bottom of that list.

Soon as I left my place, Danny called me to ask if I had decided on what I was going to do about the dinner and if I wanted to come join Sara and him, for dinner with their parents.

I politely declined, but told him I was going for a walk by this lake. I had seen it a few days ago and it looked so beautiful, it just seemed like the place I wanted to be.

I really didn't expect Danny to them reveal that to Liam, someone I didn't even think he liked.

"Surprisingly, yes." Liam said, and then ran his hand through his already tousled hair. "God, Serena, what is it that I've done so bad? Why are you punishing Bea, for any mistake I've made?"

I didn't want to hurt Bea, ever. I didn't want any of this to happen.

"I'm not," I said, my voice cracking as I tried to keep myself composed.

"No?" Liam questioned harshly. "Avoiding me, also means staying away from Bea. The girl loves you so much, she even got you a Christmas gift and was so excited to show you, until we were told you weren't coming."

My heart broke even more.

"I-I'll come see her tomorrow," I said, avoiding Liam's gaze.

"That isn't the point," he shouted, and then just shook his head. "Rena, just tell me, please. Why are you doing this?" He sounded exhausted.

I took a step back, shaking my head. "I-I can't."

He was pushing me over the edge with his words, but there would be no going back for us if I were to tell him the truth.

"You can't?" He asked, and when I said nothing, he nodded. "Fine."

I looked at him, as he took a step towards me.

"Then give me a good enough reason as to why I'm not with my family right now? Give me a reason, that I can go back and give to Bea?" He questioned.

"Stop." I told him, my voice soft, barely audible.

I was frozen in my state, as Liam took another step towards me.

"Tell me a lie, that will justify your absence from the dinner, and put a smile back on my daughter's face," he said, sounding harsher with every word.

I shook my head. "Please, don't." I whispered, my eyes burning with unshed tears.

His words were becoming unbearable.

With one last step, Liam was right in front of me, and held onto my arms in a tight grip. It wasn't painful, but I still couldn't take it.

He pulled me towards him, and I tilted my head up to look into his eyes.

"Tell me why you can't stand being around me anymore!" He asked, and I had reached my breaking point.

"Because I love you!" I yelled.

My words hung in the air as there was nothing but silence surrounding us.

Liam's face morphed into shock and I felt his grip on my arms loosen.

He stumbled from me, as if my words had sent him reeling.

I could feel my heart racing after finally confessing my secret to the one person who seemed have remained oblivious to it.

"I'm here, away from everyone, because it hurts so much to be near you!" I confessed. "It hurts that my Dad, Sara, Danny, nearly everyone knows that I love you, except you," I told him.

Liam looked stunned by my truth, his eyes wide as he stared at me, as if waiting for me to tell him I was joking.

"Rena-" he murmured.

"I can't do it," I shook my head, the first of the tears falling, as I quickly wiped them away. "I pretended to be okay for all my life, I can't do it anymore."

Liam's face dropped further, clearly not expecting any of this. He blinked a few times, mouth agape, as if trying to think of something, anything to say.

When he tried to take a step closer, I took one back.

"This isn't how my Christmas is meant to be either, Liam." I told him, placing my hand over my heart. "I'm not meant to feel a crushing weight on my chest. I'm not meant to be away from everyone I love, because it pains me that they know something, you'll never know. I'm not meant to hurt like this. I'm meant to be happy."

He stood there, in what seemed like a daze but I knew he heard me loud and clear.

"I don't-..." he began to say, but couldn't finish his own words.

"I'm in love with you, Liam." I admitted it again, my eyes brimming with tears. "Can't you see? God, haven't you ever seen it? I've been in love with you for so long."

I let the few tears fall, not bothering to wipe them away, knowing that there would be more to follow anyway.

"That day you crashed your bike outside my house, that was the day you became it for me. I was five and stupid, but to me, you were magic. You made me happy," I told him.

"I have loved you ever since I've known you," I confessed.

It was the my worst mistake. I fell for him before I even knew what it meant and it only ever cause me hurt.

"Rena, I-" Liam began to say, stretching out his hand I shook my head, moving away from him.

"No, please," I said, and Liam stopped in his tracks, his arm falling back to his side.

"I've started now and I don't think I'll ever have the courage or stupidity to ever say this again. Please don't stop me, not now," I begged him.

I'd had kept quiet for so long and I didn't want to anymore.

I held onto my feelings and it was like digging at an open wound.

"Do you even understand how hard it's been for me to fall for you, over and over again, and yet have you never feel anything for me, except as your friend?" I asked him, and he looked down guiltily.

I wiped my cheek with the back of my hand, feeling the cold air hurting even more with the tears running down my face.

"I still bared it," I told him. "I thought, at least being your friend still meant having you in my life. Just because I loved you, it didn't mean you had to love me as well."

"But then, you fell for Julie," I said.

Liam who was looking down at this point, snapped up his head towards me.

His eyes were wide with realisation, as if remembering I was there throughout it all.

"You asked me to help you in making her your girlfriend. Like an idiot, I accepted, because I knew you weren't mine but it didn't mean you couldn't be hers," I added.

Liam just continued to look at me in shock.

"Julie was my friend. This sweet, innocent, kind-hearted girl became my friend and I wasn't surprised that you'd fall for her, anyone would," I said, and wiped my cheek again. "For the both of you, I just acted okay, acted like my heart wasn't falling apart piece by piece."

"I watched, as the two of you fell in love," I said softly.

When I looked at Liam, I saw his eyes shut tightly, he looked like he was in pain listening to my confession.

"Everything was still okay. I could be around you and not feel like my heart was being crushed. I could laugh with you, and it didn't pain. I was at a place, where I knew I loved you, but I will still okay," I told him.

At a certain point, being in love with Liam wasn't all pain. I had him in my life and some of the best moments with him too. He was my friend and that was enough.

"After you lost Julie, I didn't even think twice, instead I basically ran to you. I didn't think you needed me but I wanted to be there for you," I said.

I had been out of contact with them for about a year and a bit, before tragedy struck, and I didn't care about the past or pain at that point. It just seemed very little compared to losing Julie.

"You know why I left?" I asked and Liam looked at me, his eyes filled with sadness.

"Because I was scared. I was living this life, a life that should've been Julie's and then I felt you may come to hate me for it. It didn't feel right and so I left," I told him.

We had a really bad fight at the time I left and only now was I telling him the real reason behind me leaving.

"I didn't even-" Liam began to say, and I assumed he was going to say he didn't think that, but I felt like he would've. It was too much, too soon.

"But again, when we met and after all that bitterness, when we seemed to have resolved things, I thought, once again we were at that place. You had a place in my heart, but I was in love with Will and it didn't hurt being near you anymore," I told him.

After years apart, I had a new life, a life I had began to build with Will. I was in love with him and although the closeness with Liam was hard, it wasn't crushing.

Liam was just an old love at that point.

"Then slowly, it was like everything was falling apart," I said.

"Rena, stop-" Liam tried to tell me, but I wasn't listening.

I looked him as my lips quivered. "You helped make me smile again, and my stupid, stupid heart started falling for you again. I didn't want to, but I did. Although, I was never going to act on it. I wasn't going to set myself up for that kind of hurt, knowing that you don't feel that way about me."

Liam shook his head. "I do-" he began to say, but I cut him off.

"And then...we kissed," I told him.

There was a heavy silence that hung in the air.

"I kissed you," Liam whispered, but it seemed more like it was to himself, like he was recalling it.

But it was too late.

"And you didn't even remember," I said, my voice breaking as the lump in my throat began to feel suffocating. "You brought up all my hopes and dreams, that I kept pushing down, only to shatter them all with just your words."

Liam moved closer to me and this time I didn't move back.

He wrapped his arms around me, as I placed both hands on his chest. I wanted to push him away but I couldn't find the strength in me.

I felt exhausted.

"Are you that oblivious to my feelings? How did everyone else see it, but not you?" I asked him, my head was bent down, as I clenched my hands into fists, grabbing his coat.

Liam tightened his hold on me, resting his forehead against mine.

"Rena, please-" he began to say, but I shook my head.

I look up at him, my eyes glassy from the tears, that just would not stop. "All my life, it's been you, Liam."

"Somehow falling in love with you, became the single most, painful moment of my life," I told him.

He held me close, but I shrugged myself away from him.

His close proximity has always messed with my mind, and I couldn't take it anymore.

At this point, Daisy was back from her long run and placed a stick by my feet. She barked and tapped her paw on my shoe.

I tore my gaze away from Liam and towards Daisy. Taking her leash out from my pocket, I placed it on her collar.

When I looked back at Liam, he looked regretful.

"So that's why I can't be around you, Liam. Because I don't know how to do that, and not be in love with you," I finally gave him the answer, he so desperately wanted.

When I began to take steps back, tugging Daisy along with me, Liam took steps forward reaching out towards me.

"No, Rena, please just-" he said so desperately, holding my hand.

"I'm sorry, I can't." I told him, pulling my hand from him and walked away, like I should've done a long, long time ago.