Liam

"Pick your outfit for today, Bea," I told my little girl, as she finished putting her things away in the toy chest, in our living room.

Bea dropped all the toys in the chest, closed the lid, and then dramatically wiped her forehead, as if she were doing hard labour.

"Are we really going to see Granny and Grandpa?" She asked me, with a twinkle in her eye. She came to sit on my knee, wrapping her arms around my neck, as I held onto her, in case she fell.

"Yes, sweetheart. Tiff and her parents will be there too," I told her, moving some stray hers away from her face, as she looked up at me.

Tiff had called up and said there was a dinner arranged for tonight. She didn't really say why, but just that it was a little family gathering. When she said my parents were going to be there, I couldn't exactly refuse. It had been a while since Bea had seen them too.

"I can't wait," Bea grinned.

"I know, which is why I need you to choose something to wear for dinner," I told her, and she kissed my cheek, before jumping off my lap and tugging me to her room.

She liked to tell me about her outfit choices and occasionally wanted my opinion about it.

Bea rummaged through her closet and pulled out a red dress. I knew it was one of her favourites, not just because of the colour, but also because it would flare out when she twirled around. Something she loved to do.

"I want this one," she smiled and I nodded in approval.

"And my bumblebee tights," she said, with an even wider smile.

Ever since Bea laid her eyes on those tights, it'd become her favourite clothing, more than anything I've ever gotten her. It was sweet to see, although I didn't want her to wear them out.

"I don't think they will go with your dress, Bea," I told her and she frowned at my words, looking from the dress she picked out, to the tights she was now holding in her hands.

"But I-" she was about to protest.

"They were a present, right?" I asked and she nodded. "So maybe wear them for special occasions?"

Bea paused at my words, as if she were processing. "Like my birthday and yours?"

I found it so sweet that she included my birthday in her special occasions.

"Exactly," I replied.

"Okay," Bea said, putting away the bumblebee tights and pulled out a white pair instead. "I'll wear these ones."

"Perfect," I told her. "Do you need help, or you got this?" I asked her.

Bea grinned and raised her hand to give me a thumbs up. "I got this, Daddy."

I couldn't help but laugh at her actions. This was coming from the same girl who assured me that she had this yesterday, but then got stuck putting on a jumper.

"Alright. I'll go get dressed as well then," I nodded.

"You have to look pretty for Granny and Grandpa, " Bea said and I shook my head at her words.

I don't think pretty was exactly the look I aspired for, but for my little girl, I'd look pretty as hell.

"I'll try to," I said, before making a move to my room to get dressed.

Tiff hadn't really specified whether we had to dress formal or casual, but I knew my cousin, if she was putting on a dinner, she wanted everyone to dress up. She was annoying like that.

I had to at least match Bea's level of beauty tonight, so I had that to keep in mind as well.

After I got dressed, I walked towards Bea's room to check up on her, knocking on the door first.

When I walked in, I saw her all dressed up, buttoning up her cardigan over her dress.

"You look beautiful, sweetheart," I said, stepping towards her.

Although, I noticed that the buttons of her cardigan were done incorrectly, so I crouched down, fixing them myself.

"Thank you, Daddy," Bea smiled, giving me a kiss on the cheek and I kissed her nose, causing her to giggle.

"Do you think Granny will like my dress?" She asked.

"I know she'll love it," I told her.

Once I stood up, I held my hand out to her. "You ready to go?"

Bea shook her head and suddenly I was confused.

"Can you help me with my hair, please?" She asked, pointing at the messy bun that she currently had, with some random bits of her hair sticking out.

I picked her up and helped her stand onto the bed, so that she was at my eye-level, whilst Bea held onto my shoulders for support.

"How do you want your hair today?" I asked her, as she removed the hairband from her hair and the process looked as if she was yanking out her hair, yet she still didn't have a look of discomfort on her face.

Bea then pulled up half of her hair. "Like this-" she said, "-with the pretty clip."

"Alright then. One princess look with the pretty clip, coming up," I said and proceeded to do my baby's hair.

"Grandpa!" Bea yelled, as soon as she spotted my Dad in the living room.

"Munchkin!" My Dad then yelled out in equal enthusiasm, opening his arms, for Bea to then jump into. "Oh how I've missed you, my dear," he said, as he hugged her close.

"I missed you too, Grandpa," I could hear Bea mumble as I approached the two.

My Dad held Bea in one arm, as she held onto his shoulder. "How was your birthday? You're four now, such a big girl."

Bea giggled at his words. She really did like to point out how much of a big girl she now was.

"I had so much fun. I had a big party," she told him, opening her arms wide to gesture how big her party actually was, nearly knocking my Dad's face in the process.

My Dad, of course, didn't mind, instead laughing at her actions. "I'm sorry I couldn't make it, but I have your present with me," he told her.

"Present!? Where?" Bea looked around frantically.

"You'll get it after dinner. Your Granny is excited for you to see it," Dad said and Bea pouted, clearly not happy about not getting her present right now.

"Hey, Dad," I finally greeted him.

It's funny how his son could be standing right next to him, but he doesn't even acknowledge my presence when Bea is in front of him. Although, I would never mind being second-best to Bea, she immediately attracts all attention when she walks in the room.

"Ah, my handsome son, who has most definitely taken after me," my Dad responded once he saw me, giving me a pat on my back.

I rolled my eyes. "A simple 'hi' is enough. You really had to compliment yourself too?"

Dad grinned. "Of course I did. Your Mum doesn't do it enough," he said.

Bea twisted her body around, looking around the room. "Where is Granny?" She then asked.

"She is upstairs," Dad replied.

I heard my name being called and turned to see my Aunt Lucy and Uncle Stefan walking into the living room.

"How are you, Aunt Lucy? It's been a while," I asked, giving her a hug. I hadn't seen them since Tiff's engagement party.

"It really has been, Liam. I'm so glad to see you looking so well," she said.

We had spend quite a few years with them in Australia, it was a bit weird not to have them around as often anymore.

I felt a tug on my arm and I looked beside me, to see that Bea had her arms outstretched towards me.

"Aren't you a cute little princess," Uncle Stefan complimented.

Bea nodded. "I am."

She really wasn't a shy one. Bea had always been outgoing and friendly from the moment she could talk.

Uncle Stefan let out a loud, boisterous laugh. "She's definitely your granddaughter, Peter," he told my Dad, who grinned in response and kissed the side of Bea's head.

"Don't I know it," he said, proudly.

"Come, let me get a closer look at you, sweetheart," Aunt Lucy said, taking Bea from my arms and she happily went to her, clearly loving the attention she was getting from everyone.

I went towards the drinks trolley and grabbed myself a glass.

Family reunions like this made me feel happy for Bea, especially when she smiled seeing her grandparents. However, that hollow feeling in my chest would occasionally begin to ache.

I walked out the room, glass in hand and found myself in the study.

"You alright, son?" I looked to the doorway and saw my Dad standing there with a frown on his face.

I gave him a small smile. "Yeah, it's just a little weird having a family dinner. Even after four years, my family doesn't feel complete," I sighed.

My Dad let out a deep breath and stepped further into the room, next to me. "I know a little bit about how you feel," he said and I looked at him confused.

"You do?" I asked him.

"I was in high school when I first met your mother," he said.

"Dad, I know the 'how you met my mother' story," I told him. I didn't exactly want to hear this story right at this moment.

My Dad smacked the back of my head, which caused me to wince. "Just listen you brat," he said, as I rubbed the place where he had just hit me. "As I was saying, I met her in high school. I hadn't seen her before, but when I did, I was a goner. We dated and then broke up that same week."

"I know this story, Dad. You broke up, but then got back together in your last year of high school after you did a lot of grovelling, after which Mum finally gave in," I finished for him.

Dad snorted in response. "Clearly your mother has been telling you her version," he said and I smirked, because that was the truth. "But for the time being, let's go with that," he then said.

Looking away from me, Dad developed a faraway look, staring into nothing. "I was so happy to have her back and we became one of those solid couples-" he said with a smile, which then faded.

"The summer before college, I was meeting her for a date one day. She was just across the road from me, but I didn't see her. I called her and all she said was turn around. I did and instantly smiled. She started walking towards me, and out of nowhere this car came and..." he trailed off, not even finishing his words.

I looked at him in shock, "I-I never knew this."

Dad shook his head. "It wasn't really essential to the 'how I met Emma' story and I hate talking about it, which she knows too, and therefore doesn't."

"What happened after?" I asked him.

He let out a deep sigh. "I nearly died myself, seeing her laying on the road like that. I didn't even register my legs moving, but I remember cradling her head in my lap, her blood on my hands," he looked down at his hands, as if reliving the memory and still being in pain.

"Dad, maybe you shouldn't-" I tried to stop him, not wanting him to continue if talking about it was going to hurt him.

He shook his head. "No, it's okay. The trip to the hospital was a blur, but the waiting period whilst she was in surgery was gut-wrenching. I felt my heart stop every time I saw a doctor or nurse walk-by, thinking they had news on her."

"How long was Mum-" I began to ask.

"-Too long," Dad quickly answered. "She was in a coma for a few days, but they were the longest days of my life. I felt like I aged hundred years in each of those days and simultaneously died as well. Seeing my Emma open her eyes and looking at me, was the best thing I could've ever wished for," he finished, his voice going quiet towards the end.

We both just stood there, not saying anything, as I watched my Dad close his eyes.

"Dad-" I said, breaking the silence and he looked at me.

"Your pain must be immensely greater than mine, Liam. If what I suffered in those few days, is what you've been going through for four years."

It was always difficult when people would tell you they understood how you felt, but they didn't truly know. They could only really assume. However, hearing my Dad say it, I knew that he was aware of how I felt.

"I'm scared, Dad," I confessed.

I probably sounded like a little, frightened child right now, but that was what I felt right now. Frightened.

A concerned look then came over him. "Why?"

"What if it stops hurting completely?" I asked.

"Will that be so bad?" My Dad questioned.

It wouldn't, but then that's not exactly what concerned me.

"But what I forget?" I asked.

I didn't know what was worse, forgetting her or remembering her.

After these years, I had come to terms with her...but at times I would think of my family, Bea and I, and the crushing guilt I didn't include her in the picture, it'll kill me.

If I continued to live my life, would she hate me? Would the guilt ever go away? Would it mean that I didn't care?

Dad let out a sigh and held onto my shoulder. "If you're holding onto pain to remember her, then you've already lost her. The good memories are just as powerful. Keep those."

"You're strong, Liam," Dad squeezed my shoulder. "She wouldn't have left, if she didn't trust you to be strong enough to handle it and be there for Bea as well."

"I know," I replied.

My last moments with Julie, she would remind me that I was strong enough to bare this, to still carry on and not break.

I didn't believe it.

"Okay now. Let's hug and have enough of this soft moment," Dad said, snapping me out of my thoughts. "I don't think I can do it for longer without your Mum catching us and then holding it against me," he added and pulled me into a hug.

Just as we parted, the door to the study opened. "There you both are," Uncle Stefan said, as he walked in. "It's rude to just leave and have your own conversation?"

"Piss off, Stefan," Dad replied.

Once we all returned to the room, Bea immediately moved towards me, holding up her arms and carried her.

A few moments later, my Mum and Tiff appeared at the doorway, however, they weren't the only ones.

I was surprised to see Rena with them.

Bea also seemed happily surprised, instantly trying to wiggle out of my arms. I set her down and she ran towards Rena, crashing into her straight away.

After talking to Bea, Rena looked at me and she smiled. Did she know I was going to be here? By the awkward expression on her face, I doubt it.

I should probably say something. At least greet her.

Before I could speak, Tiff announced that dinner was ready and we all began walking. Although, I didn't miss the way Rena's lips turned upwards at the mention of food.

During the dinner, just listened to the conversation, which was mainly everyone getting to know Rena. I was proud of her, she had accomplished a lot.

However, when Bea mentioned that she was struggling with her food, that caught my attention.

I don't know what it was, but when Rena began to help her, it hit me ten-fold that she was really gone.

Sometimes, I wished more than anything for Bea to have her mother. I loved being there for Bea, but I also wondered how it would be if she had her mother helping her with her food, with her hair, helping her choose the outfits.

I didn't mean to even say anything out loud, the next thing I knew I snapped. I yelled at Rena.

The way she looked at me, I didn't know if she was afraid or hurt, but I couldn't take and like a coward, I had to leave. I just snapped, right in front of my daughter.

I didn't even want to think about what Bea may be thinking of me. Was she scared of me? I hope not.

Desperately needing the fresh air, I walked straight to the garden.

I don't understand myself anymore. What is wrong with me? There is this consuming anxiety within me, the constant doubts and questions about myself. I'm scared of what I feel within me.

Burying my face in my hands, I let myself feel overwhelmed for a moment.

I would hold myself back, mostly for Bea, but also for me. I thought that I had done well pretending to be completely okay, but it wasn't easy keeping yourself together all the time.

Just as I let myself have this one moment, I heard Rena's voice.

She shouldn't be here. She shouldn't see me like this. But of course, she wouldn't turn back.

Everyone said that I had to move on. Get past it. Go on with my life. But not her.

All that she said, all that she tried to make me realise, I knew it was true. However, it was only when I felt my own heartbeat under the palm of my hand, I realised I was alive. I felt like I stopped living five years ago, but I was here.

I was okay.

I had to live.