Liam

Bea held my hand as we made our way back from the park, skipping in her step as I held onto her tightly, in case she tripped. I wanted to be prepared and ready to pull her up, before she'd hit the ground.

My Bea is everything to me.

I promised myself and Julie that I'd always be there for her, ready to protect her. Never letting her get hurt.

"I had so much fun at the park today," Bea beamed up at me.

Her smile was like sunshine, enough to brighten whatever room she was in.

"That's great, princess. We'll go again another time," I smiled at Bea and she smiled back at me and carried on skipping along.

I was thankful everyday to my daughter with me, knowing that there was a chance I could've lost her too.

Whilst dating, Julie and I occasionally spoke about having kids, with me saying how I wanted them to be exactly like her and she wanted them to be like me.

After getting engaged, Julie told me about her plan. She had that white-picket fence dream, and wanted two kids at least, with a family pet, preferably a cat.

We had a plan. That didn't include her leaving me, barely a year into our marriage.

I love Bea, with all that I have, but no one could love her more than Julie, who gave her life up so our daughter could see the world.

I wish, more than anything, for Julie to be with us, but I know I can't have that. I just had to be strong now, for Bea.

"Daddy?" Bea looked at me as we got into our apartment.

Within the last few months, we had moved into a new place, in New York, after coming back from Australia.

When I first moved away, it was just to get away. I needed a break from everything. I couldn't stay in the same place, where Julie and I had shared a life. We had shared dreams and plans, but without her, everything felt incomplete.

It was a big change at first, but slowly thing became bearable. I wasn't sure if I was living, but each day didn't feel like a struggle. I missed her, but it wasn't as unbearable anymore.

When my firm asked if I would possibly head up the New York office, I said yes. I liked living in Australia, but it wasn't home, and my Mum really wanted me back.

New York wasn't exactly home, but it was closer than an entire ocean away.

I had visited the my old house, once. I had asked my parents to sell it shortly after our move.

I couldn't stay in the same house after everything, not when the place just reminded me of Julie.

She had decorated the place. When we moved in, she was so excited. She had always wanted her own place and to make it into something from her dreams, and I was so happy to give her that.

After she passed, it didn't feel like home anymore. Nothing did.

However, this apartment and this move, felt better. It weirdly felt positive in a way.

Bea also loves life here and nothing makes me happier than making her smile. She doesn't really miss our old house as much as I would've expected.

"Daddy, you're not listening," Bea tugged at my jacket, with a pout on her face.

"I'm sorry, honey," I smiled. "What's wrong?"

"Do you know if that nice lady will come back?" She asked me, whilst I took her coat from her.

"The nice lady?" I asked Bea, as she ran to sit on the sofa, her little legs dangling off the edge.

"The lady at the party. Aunt Tiff's party. Is she your friend?" Bea questioned.

It took a second for me to realise that Bea was referring to Rena and I froze.

"I like her," she cheerfully said.

I smiled at her words, finding it amusing how their interaction must not have been that long at all, yet she already liked Rena.

Bea only ever saw the best in people. It was why sometimes I had to keep a close eye on her, since she'd happily make friends with anyone that just smiled at her. It was a little worrying at times.

As I walked into the kitchen, to prepare dinner for both Bea and I, she followed me, taking a seat at the dining table.

"The lady looked really happy to see us," she added. "She's really nice. She called me a bumblebee," Bea said, when I glanced over to her, she had a wide grin on her face.

I just nodded along to her words, however my mind drifted off to the past.

Whilst lost in my thoughts, I hadn't even realised the tight grip I had on the chopping board, which had my knuckles turning white.

I quickly let go, before I cut myself and tried to think of more positive things.

This happened sometimes, my mind would drift and I would go to a dark place. I tried my best to not let it happen often, but occasionally, it just did.

"Sweetheart, please get yourself ready for dinner," I asked Bea.

"Okay," Bea jumped off the chair and ran towards her room, only to run back with the most innocent look she could muster, knowing all too well I wasn't going to say no to anything she asked me with that face.

With her hands behind her back, she used her right foot to draw circles on the tiled floor.

"Can we have spaghetti for dinner?" She asked.

The plan was to make something entirely different, but I guess that wasn't going to happen now that my little girl wanted spaghetti for dinner.

I narrowed my eyes at Bea. "If you promise to not make a mess, then yes."

She grinned up at me, showing off her little pearly whites.

"No promises," she said and ran away giggling to herself.

"Bea, come drink your milk," I called out from the kitchen, stirring the warm drink in my hand.

My Mum always made sure that I have milk before bed. I used to make a fuss, but she'd chase me around the house until I had it and she'd would tell me how it contained all kinds of nutrients that I needed to grow big and strong.

I didn't believe her at the time but right now, I stand at six foot three and I am pretty muscular. I felt like it was partly due to the milk. Now, I want my baby to be strong as well.

Bea's little feet pattered on the hardwood floor and she came running to the kitchen. I had to always remind her not to run, but of course she still did anyway.

Dressed in her penguin pyjamas and wrapped up in her fluffy elephant robe, Bea came in and immediately sat on the chair.

"Does it have chocolate inside?" She asked, as I put the mug down in front of her.

She'll only drink her milk out of her reindeer mug, something that my Mum bought for her last Christmas. She's quite possessive over her mugs.

Bea peered over the mug and scrunched up her nose in clear disgust.

She then looked at me like I was stupid and shook my head at her.

"You know that's not good for your teeth," I pointed out.

"But you drink it," she replied.

Being bested by a three year old, wasn't exactly new to me anymore. Sadly, Bea always had a way to one-up me to get her own way, or just render me speechless.

I wasn't a fan of this behaviour, but it was better than other stuff she could be doing at this age, like throwing tantrums or being incredibly stubborn.

She wasn't wrong. I'm thirty and I liked chocolate milk. I'm exactly proud of it, but it was like a habit now.

"Fine, I'll put the chocolate powder in," I relented, as my daughter grinned at me.

She probably had a mental tally going at all the times she got her away and that wasn't a number I ever wanted to know.

We both sat down at the table with our chocolate milk. It was a father-daughter tradition for us, one that, according to Bea, could never be broken.

"Daddy, I told Madeleine that I was going to have the best cake on my birthday," my little princess said, as she drank her milk.

Bea's birthday was hard for me, but I always tried to keep a smile on both her face and mine.

The guilt of not having her mother here to celebrate with, always ate away at me.

I knew if Julie were here, she'd probably insist on baking the cake herself. She'd probably set a theme and order all kinds of extra things to fit in with that, even if it wasn't unnecessary.

Bea's birthday was usually spent with us spending the day together. She was too little to remember much about it, but I would take her out.

Just her and I.

For her third birthday, my parents flew over to Australia and we threw her an animal kingdom party. She was really into Lion King at the time and so Mum planned it all.

Planning things wasn't exactly my strong suit, but making Bea happy was, even if that meant I had to spend the day in a Lion costume, whilst she dressed in a baby Lion costume.

"And you will, but you have to tell me which one you want," I told Bea.

Cake was sacred for Bea.

"I want that Red one," she then said, and I thought for a moment about what she meant and then I remembered the cake we got her for her last birthday.

"Red Velvet?" I asked.

"Yes!" She shouted happily.

That was the cake we bought for her last year and she's loved it ever since. There only other person I knew that loved red velvet cake to this extent.

"Alright then, I'll place an order for that" I said and Bea grinned back at me.

I drank the rest of my milk and Bea did the same. When we were done, we both had milk moustaches on our faces. I wiped mine off and reached over to wipe away Bea's, as she giggled.

"How do you want to celebrate your birthday this year, sweetheart?" I asked.

I didn't want to ruin Bea's birthday, so I'd rather have her tell me what she wanted, than to guess something and get it completely wrong.

It didn't help that she was into a few things right now, like Lion King, Aladdin, Frozen, and weirdly, E.T.

I couldn't combine all that into one party.

"I want a big party with all my friends," she replied.

Ever since we moved and Bea joined her new school, she seemed to have no difficulty in making new friends. I didn't understand how it was so easy for her, but it was, and she wanted them all to be present for her birthday.

However, that alone didn't help to prepare for her birthday. I wanted to sigh at how she was unknowingly making this very difficult for me.

Instead, I just smiled at her. "Sure."

How was I going to plan this now?

Bea then tugged on my sleeve. "Can we invite the nice lady?"

Her question completely caught me off-guard and my smile instantly dropped into a frown.

""Her name is Serena. And she's not your friend, Bea," I told her and then got out of my seat to put our mugs in the sink.

"But isn't she yours?" Bea questioned.

I knew that my daughter had no other intention other than curiosity when she asked the question, but I felt this pain deep within my chest surfacing once again.

I sighed, leaning against the sink with my hands resting on the edge and my head down.

"You've never talked about her," Bea said, in a low tone.

"Please, Bea, enough about her," I tried to tell her, but of course she didn't listen.

"I think she was crying today" Bea then said, her own voice sounded softer than usual, like she was upset too. "She looked so sad, like when I ask you about Mummy."

At that, I snapped. "Enough, Bea!"

I hadn't even realise how loud my voice was, until I saw Bea flinch back and her face drop.

Her bottom lip trembled as a whimper came out of her. Like an immediate effect, her eyes welled up with tears, making the green in them shine even brighter and it only hurt me more.

"Oh, sweetheart. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to shout," I said, stepping forward, trying to rectify my mistake.

Before I could get close to her, Bea ran off to her room, leaving me to inwardly curse myself, running a hand through my hair.

I never yelled at Bea. How could I just lose it like that?

I'm such an idiot.

I quickly went into Bea's room. I needed to apologise straight away.

As soon as I entered the room, I spotted the big lump under the covers of her bed and heard the sniffles that were coming from inside it.

It broke my heart to know that I had made my daughter cry.

"Princess?" I questioned, but instead of a response, I saw her shuffle further into the covers.

My daughter was trying to hide from me. God, I'm such a monster.

"I guess she's not here as well." I sighed and sat on the edge of her bed.

I saw her favourite teddy on the side, this green little turtle she loved and took it in my hands, facing it towards me.

I was going to have a conversation with a stuffed toy. It's interesting being a Dad.

"Oh, hey Clover." I smiled at him. "You haven't see my daughter have you? She's about this tall-" I gestured with my hands, "-with, green eyes, brown hair and a big smile."

I heard a giggle and knew my plan was working.

"No? That's alright. I think she's mad at me anyway. I shouted at her and was mean. I wish she was here so I could say sorry. I feel so bad," I said, making my voice softer.

I was exaggerating to draw Bea out from under the covers and make her talk to me, but that didn't mean that I wasn't truly upset too.

What I did was bad and I knew that. But I needed Bea to talk to me.

In the next moment, Bea popped out from under the covers and launched herself at me. Wrapping her little arms around my neck.

I didn't waste time in wrapping my arms around her too, dropped Clover in the process.

"I'm here, Daddy. Don't be sad," she said and I smiled at her words. She could be sad herself but still wouldn't want me to be.

"Oh, Bea. I couldn't find you anywhere," I hugged her and then pulled away to look at her.

Her cheeks were a little pink as was her nose. I could see a few tear streaks and wiped them away.

I pressed my forehead against hers. "I'm so sorry. I was a meanie. Forgive me, please?"

To my surprise, Bea shook her head. "No," she said.

I pulled away to look at her. "No?"

I felt myself panic internally, until Bea smiled at me. "You have to give me ice cream first," she said.

Not being able to help myself, I laughed.

"How a three year old knows blackmail, I'll never know," I said to myself, whilst pulling Bea in for a hug.

"What's blackmail?" She mumbled against my shoulder.

I chuckled. "Something you're very good at."

I picked her up, hanging her over my shoulder and she squealed when I stood up. Bea then began giggling hysterically, causing an immediate smile to come over my face.

"Let's go eat some ice cream, so you can forgive me," I said and Bea's response was to just laugh.

This was my life. Bea and I. And I was content with that.