《Life in a Spiral.》Puja Season.
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After the months of moonsoon and rain drenching soils, autumn came as a sign of relief. This is the season of mourning. Yet, there's a different joy in nature. This is the time of Durga Puja. My first puja after marriage. I want my husband to spend atleast one day with me and seek blessings from the Goddess.
I have decided I will make Rohan get out of the house atleast one day among the four days. Last year our puja didn't go well, due to Aisha dii's illness.
Today is Sasthi. Having no one to accompany me I have decided to visit the Pandal alone. I wore a floral long skirt and paired it up with a blue pearl necklace. Yet, the visit to the pandal didn't soothe me, instead it heaved my heart. I feel lonely, I feel weak from inside. Melancholy grips every part of my heart. Everyone in the pandal was enjoying the company of their loved ones; some with family, some with friends. I returned home quickly as I couldn't tolerate the happiness around me while my heart was mourning for someone's love and presence.
Saptami passed in absolute boredom. Rohan has taken leave only on Astami, Nabami and Dashami. Today he will be spending the entire day in his office. Today some relatives will be coming, so I would be having some extra work at house.
"Today you and Rohan will have to stay together", my mother in law said.
"There is no extra room to accomodate for the relatives. Besides it will spread rumours if the relatives see a newly wedded couple sleeping in different rooms."
Somewhere my heart smiled and my brain chided it for making stupid expectation of coming closer to Rohan and find a bit of space in his heart.
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"What ! I have to share room with Anjali?"
Rohan glared at his mother.
"Yes, everywhere your wish can not be granted."
Dejected, he decided to shift the couch in my room.
"This is originally your room, so I would be sleeping on the couch. You sleep on the bed."
"Guest should sleep in comfort. Moreover when the guest is husband himself, the wife needs to ensure he sleeps well. So I would be sleeping on the couch. You sleep on the bed."
No way I am going to step back from an argument. If he is Mr. Stubborn, I can be Mrs. Stubborness.
"Don't argue, I am already tired. Just sleep."
"My room, my rules."
God bless me, I am applying my rights on the owner of the house.
Dejected and defeated with my stubbornness, Rohan decided to sleep on the bed and I slept on the couch.
"Will you go out with me tomorrow?"
"No. "
"Please..."
"No, I said."
"Please.. Rohan.."
"Can't you understand? I won't . Go out with your friends."
"Atleast one day you can go out with me..."
"WILL YOU STOP NAGGING? I SAID NO. LET ME SLEEP."
Rejections always hurt. More when rejections are from the person you love. My heart is cold irrespective of the changing seasons. Hot tears soaked my pillow. I didn't even realise when I have fallen asleep with my muffled tears and red eyes.
"Hey, did you place this bedsheet over me?"
"Yes..."
"Why Rohan?"
"You were shivering, this was the least I could do."
Before I could thank him for his kind gesture he went out of the room.
I don't understand this man. At one moment, he is cold and ruthless. The next moment he is loving and caring. He is a mixture of all kinds of human behaviour. Sweet and charming, cold and ruthless, loving and caring, distant and careless, and not to forget deeply attractive at times.
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Today is Astami. The most important day of Durga puja.
As I drape the red saree, I blush remembering how Rohan had helped me to tuck in my saree one day. Today I have mastered the skill of draping sarees. I match my saree with minimal jewellery and place the anklets around my feet.
I have decided to ask Rohan for the last time to take me out.
"Rohan, will you please go out with me?"
"No, please don't request. I am in no mood."
Rejected for the nth time, I decide to call Natasha to accompany me. She didn't come alone, but brought her boyfriend along with her. I couldn't tolerate the cute lovely expressions they were giving to each other. I felt like a hindrance to their sweet moments.
"You enjoy. I will go back to home. I have some work."
"You can stay with us, we won't mind."
"No Nats, it's okay. Thanks for the company."
On my way back I bought ice creams for everyone in the house.
"Why did you return so early?" Rohan enquired.
"I wasn't feeling good."
"Sick?"
"Yes, sick of your rejections. "
"You could have hanged out with your friends. "
"Everyone is busy with their loved ones."
"I am sorry. I just don't like to go out."
"You can atleast have the ice-cream. "
He didn't reject this though. I watched his varied expressions as he enjoyed the ice-cream. The way his lips moved when he ate the chocolate part of the ice cream, how he reacted to the coldness when he reaced the inner core. Unknowingly, a smile curled up on my lips as I watched him.
"Thanks for the ice-cream."
"My staying with you doesn't make any difference to you, isn't it?" I blurted out suddenly.
"I like your company but you know well I don't love you as my wife. This marriage is only a companionship. "
"So, you won't mind if I move out of your life?"
"You can, if you wish to. I won't stop you. "
This was the thing which I was afraid to hear. I don't need to stay in his house any more. Nothing is going to change ever, between us. I am tired coping up with his rejections. When my stupid heart starts believing that he would love me one day, he says something contrary to my belief.
"I will go to my parents house tomorrow. Anyway, you won't be missing me."
"Yes, you should visit them once in a while."
I will leave for my parents house on the Nabami morning. This time I won't be coming back till Rohan himself asks me to come back, even if this lasts a lifetime.
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