"So, do you wanna finally tell me what happened when I was passed out?"

I turned my head to the left and looked at Newt, who was holding a half-full glass of Gally's alcohol in his hand. He stared straight ahead at everyone who was gathered around the fire, all immersed in their own conversations and not paying any attention to us.

Newt and I were sitting on a log a few yards away from our friends, far enough so that we could only hear the murmurings of their voices instead of the actual words they were saying. They had the radio with them, Brenda occasionally switching between the stations to find something everyone would like.

The two of us had a few drinks with them, talking and laughing as though it's always been like that. For a few moments, it felt like we had lived on this beach forever, and we never lost the memory of our lives before... We all felt normal.

Newt had decided that he wanted to talk to me alone, so we had moved over towards a lonely log on the edge of the shoreline. It was just the two of us sitting there; I was facing the ocean, and Newt was facing our friends as if he were to look away from them, they wouldn't be there any more. I kept my eyes on his, needing to know if it was just my anxious mind that had asked the question, or if it was actually him.

He took a deep breath through his nose and let it out through his parted lips. "Everyone's saying that you went through a lot... Minho's acting more protective than usual, Vince almost didn't let me see you, you ran away when you saw me, which I understand," He nodded his head once, keeping his eyes straight. "I just wanna know if you're okay. It hurts when I know you're not, but it hurts even more when I know you're faking it."

I kept my mouth sealed shut as I looked at him, wishing that I could hop inside of his mind and know what he was thinking. I always wished I knew what he was thinking. Sitting on this log, nothing felt real. The ocean, the sand, him—nothing felt tangible anymore.

"Just..." He dropped his chin to his chest in defeat, sighing. "Just tell me what happened, Maisy. If—If it's something bad, I won't get mad, I won't overreact. I just wanna know if you're okay."

Newt finally turned his head, meeting his teary eyes with my numb ones. There's something in his soul that's pleading for me to open up, I could see it very clearly. Surprisingly, he looks exactly how I feel on the inside—tired, desperate. The way he was staring at me makes me feel like he's finally opened his eyes to the truth. He knows I'm not okay, and this time, he's not just going to let me brush it off like I have in times past.

I broke the eye contact, looking back out at the peaceful water with an emptiness in my heart that left me feeling helplessly out of place. In my mind, I searched for words to say...how to start this conversation. But nothing came to the surface when I was swimming in all of my thoughts. My brain was empty as well as the rest of me. Even with Newt here, providing as much love and compassion and empathy as he could, I felt empty.

"I've never been that good at opening up..." I spoke, swallowing down the lump in my throat.

Newt let out a shallow breath from beside me, turning his body around on the log so that now both of us were facing the ocean. "I know, it's okay."

I nodded, feeling the cold wind on my arms and face. Silence flooded the area between the two of us, a heavy silence that could only be filled by confessions of what went on behind Newt's back. Just the simple thought of everything made me want to throw up.

Just talk, Mae.

Licking my lips, I could feel my sinuses becoming clogged once again, a feeling I had grown too used to in these past months. I sniffled before shaking my head, feeling too ashamed to look at the man I loved in this moment. Bringing my hands to my lap, my thumb started to rub across all of the old scars that scattered across my palm like all of the things I wanted to say. They were all uncoordinated with each other, leaving me to feel helpless and like I couldn't talk about it even if I really wanted to.

"Is there something I can do to make this easier for you?" Newt asked, and I shook my head, pursing my lips now to hold everything in. I knew that we were going to be out here for hours... we had all the time in the world now. Nothing was going to stop him from getting these answers, I knew him and his perseverance well enough to not doubt that.

"No," I murmured, knowing that this was inexcusable. "No, I—I just don't know where to start."

"Why don't you start with telling me how you feel right now," He mumbled, and I finally lifted my head to look at him and his reddened cheeks, telling me that he was shoving down everything too to stay strong. "Forget about what happened while I was sleeping for a second, okay? Just tell me how you feel right now."

His voice was soft, delicate. It made me feel safe despite all the horrific truths I was going to have to vocalize instead of letting it eat me alive. Now the thing that scared me was allowing it to eat both of us—that was the last thing I wanted. I didn't want to bring him pain, no matter how much he deserved the truth. But deep down I knew I had to face those fears. It would just be worse if he found out from somebody else who thought he already knew.

I nodded my head, preparing myself to open the doors to my trauma.

"Um, well r-right now I-I'm really nervous, obviously," I started, feeling my heart beat with every syllable that was coming out of my mouth. Glancing Newt's way, I saw how focused he was on what I was saying. He nodded, understanding and listening with everything he had. He's always been a good listener. "I know you said that you weren't gonna be mad, and I know that's probably true, but I can't help but feel kind of...um...scared."

"Scared of what?" He asked, gently pushing me.

"Scared that you'll be mad, because I'm mad at myself," I closed my eyes at the first confession of many, turning my head to look away from him as I wasn't able to keep eye contact. I was mad at myself—furious even. "All this time I've been getting upset at Minho when it was myself I was really mad at. I was...I was yelling at him and—and I would kick him out of my tent. Wouldn't speak to him for days. I was so awful to him because I hated m-myself so much. And I guess I just took it out on him, which I'm also mad about."

From the corner of my eye, I could see him nodding, taking it all in, but his eyebrows were furrowed.

"Wh-Why are you mad at yourself?" He asked in a whisper, confusion tearing apart his brain as he tried to put everything in it's place while I spoke to him.

I dropped my eyes to the floor, not being able to keep them in one place. I knew he wanted me to look at him while I told the truth, but the shame of everything was too much. My vision darted around the occasional rock in the sand, seeming to look for the words I so desperately needed to say. The prolonged pause should've given Newt enough time to try and piece things together, but I spoke before he had time to ask me.

"D-Do you remember the morning where you pushed me into the shelves?" I asked, faintly seeing him blink, then move back in shock.

"Um..." He started, clearing his throat as he removed his gaze from me, flustered all of a sudden. "Are—Are you talking about what we did before that? Or something after?"

"Before." I nodded.

"Oh," He reached his hand up to scratch the back of his head. "Yeah, yeah I remember. Why?"

I sniffled once again, pressing my thumb to the middle of my left hand. I had the words put together in my head, ready to put them out into the universe, ready to shock him to the core, but I was too slow. Newt suddenly let out a short gasp to my left, making my head finally turn towards him.

He was pale. He stared at me like he had just seen a ghost. His eyes were wide, life draining from him in a matter of seconds. He had figured it out—I thought that I was going to have to tell him but he figured it out. Or at least it looked like he did. He abruptly shot to his feet, taking a big step back at he faced me.

My eyes fell to him, guilt enveloping me as I watched him piece it all together. I could feel my breaths become heavier as he turned around, his hands flying to the back of his head and pulling at the hair. No longer facing me, I watched in misery as Newt tried to contain himself. He was moving his hands from one limb to another, his hair, crossing them over his chest, then he doubled-over and rested his hands on his knees, looking as though he had just ran a marathon.

I stayed silent, my trembling lips trying to seal the tsunami of cries that wanted to rip out of my body. Newt turned around, his eyes filled with tears as he crossed his arms over his chest again, guarding himself. My eyes darted down to the sand, not able to look at him anymore.

"Are you—I mean... D-Did y—" He struggled to speak, wiping the edges of his mouth with his fingers, flustered. "Did you have a kid?"

I sucked in a sharp breath at the question, placing the palms of my hands on my knees and rubbing up and down, shaking my head vigorously. Newt released a long breath, his body sinking into the relief he probably felt. His hands fell from his abdomen, reaching up to wipe the stress out of his eyes. I watched him as a tear fell out of my eye, not knowing how to feel.

"So..." He started again after he had relaxed, and I folded my arms over my stomach, bending down and folding into myself. "We have no baby that I need to see or anything like that?"

I shook my head again, beginning to rock back and forth.

Silence again. It was becoming too much to hold in now, my lip uncontrollably shaking while tears streamed down my face. I remembered the first night. It was just like this. Silent while I was wallowing in my own self-pity and self-loathing. The physical and mental pain were so hard that night that I didn't think I was going to wake up the next morning. But I did. And now here I am, reliving it with Newt, who is relieved.

The cold tunnel in my chest only grew as the moments passed, my shallow breaths becoming more noticeable to the person in front of me. Newt uncovered his eyes, looking down at me. My hands were shaking as I clenched my stomach, a sickness choking me out. The tears shot out of my eyes and rolled into my own mouth, allowing me to taste my heartbreak of the situation. I could no longer see through them.

"M-Mae?" His concerned voice only causes me to clench my middle harder, wrapping the fabric of my sundress on my fists. My head began to shake as I felt his presence move closer, coming to sit down next to me once again. "Mae what...what's wrong?"

A sob escaped my lips as I rocked back and forth. I couldn't hold it in anymore. The cries shook my body as I sobbed into myself feeling Newt place an arm over my back and pull me into him. My face was burning up and my body was physically shaking in every way possible. I shut my eyes so more tears fell down onto my wet face, I was really beginning to fall apart now.

"Maisy, wh-why are you—"

"I was gonna have a baby, Newt," I cut him off with the truth before he could ask another question. "I was gonna have a baby b-but I didn't. I was pregnant. Th-There was a p-problem with me and it died..."

I sobbed, removing my trembling hands from my middle to cover my face, catching the tears in the palm of my hands as I continued to cry. I remembered the night—the night that I woke up to an unexplainable pain in my stomach. I'd found out I was pregnant about a month before, giving me enough time to accept the situation and maybe be even a bit excited about it. The idea that there was going to be a person that Newt and I created together running around in the Safe Haven brought me stress at first, but when I thought back and relished in the feeling, I found myself growing anticipated. A human being that looked like the love of my life and me mixed together—I thought that there couldn't be anything more beautiful than that.

But I should've known that my joy wouldn't last. I went to bed that night with my hand on my stomach, it having cramped a little during the day, which I thought was normal. I don't remember how long I'd been asleep before I awoke, screaming at the unbearable pain in my abdomen. Minho was the first one to come rushing into my tent, scared as ever as he noticed the blood on the sheets. He thought I was dying—so he called Thomas, who had also awoken and ran to me, to go get Vince. He brought in some stranger that supposedly was a doctor before everything, and she told me that I was going through the process of having a miscarriage.

The pain lasted a couple hours, and neither Minho or Thomas left my side during it. They were up all night, talking to me and trying to calm me down because they knew that my crying only made the pain worse. But I was so devastated that I couldn't hold it in. My body had rejected the only thing that brought me happiness since Newt had been knocked out—before I was a hollow shell of a person who never smiled fully. The trauma was there, but the reality of having something to look forward to brought me out of it. And now it was gone. Just like that. In one night.

"Wh-What?" Newt breathed as I shook my head, continuing to rock back and forth. I could feel him move closer to me, my words burning a hole in his heart. "Mae, what do you mean—you were pregnant? Wh—I don't understand.."

His denial of the situation made my heart break more, I knew that his mind was in such a whir that he couldn't think straight. Hell, I couldn't think straight. I sniffled as another sob escaped from my lips, feeling him sit back down on the log and place a soft hand on my back, trying to calm me down enough so that I could talk. As much as I wished to never speak of that horrible night again, Newt deserved to know what happened. I wasn't the only one who experienced the aftermath of the miscarriage, Newt was going to be a father. He was going to be such a good father, and now he didn't have that chance.

I sniffled again, rubbing my tear-stained face one last time before swallowing my cries and facing him again. My body still shook as I gripped my knee cap, looking at his face that held the expression I was so afraid of seeing. It was pain mixed with disbelief, mixed with regret, confusion...so many emotions. His skin was pale, sweat beginning to form over his hairline as he licked his bottom lip nervously, waiting for my answer. I wanted to tell him it was a joke—that I was never pregnant and that everything was okay. But everything wasn't okay, and you could see the heartbreaking pain so visibly in his features.

I cleared my throat, grounding myself as I sifted my eyes to the sand, not being able to look at him. "Um...well I-I was pregnant and I had a miscarriage. Th-The lady told me it was inevitable, meaning that I wouldn't have had a child—that I was going to lose it one way or another. Uh...apparently when I went into WICKED to get you the serum, Janson kicked me a whole bunch of times in the stomach, messing up some of my internal organs and making it an unfit spot for the b-baby. I'm sorry, Newt. I-I

never—"

"I'm gonna stop you right there, Maisy," He interrupted, gently grabbing my bicep and turning me towards him. I let a shaky sigh pass through my lips, heart beating at what he was going to say. Newt licked his lips once again, eyes glistening with tears he was holding in. The boy swallowed, throat clenching at the action before he opened his mouth to speak. "Don't ever apologize for something you had no control over. It's not your fault. We've talked about this before, and things that are out of your control aren't your fault. It's your body, okay? You did absolutely nothing to make it reject that kid, understand? And I'm not mad at you. I could never be upset at you for something like that. All I feel is love for you, and I am so disappointed in myself that I couldn't be there for you when you were going through that..."

"You didn't have any control over it," I mumbled, scooting close to him as he inhaled sharply, bottom lip beginning to tremble as he held it in. "It's not your fault either. You're here now, okay?"

He nodded gently, his lips pursing into a frown he had no control over. It was like he finally realized that we were going to have a family, but the complications prevented it. I tilted my head to the side, trying to silently inform him that it was okay to cry. Lips parted, Newt let out a whimper before completely losing it as I did. His head lulled forward, forehead crashing into my chest as I wrapped my arms around him, trying my best to shield him from whatever pain was invading our bubble wrap.

His body shook with sobs as he clutched his stomach exactly as I had, the roles now being reversed. I listened to him cry, feeling my heart break in my chest at the noise. I shook my head slowly, knowing the hurt he was feeling. My hands went to the back of his head, fingers knitting in his oily roots. He held onto me with no desire to let go, burying his face into my stomach as though he was trying to come into contact with the atom of a child that was once inside of me.

I kept clutch of the back of his head, tears spilling down my own cheeks as I let him cry it out. The ocean waves applies a background noise, something that we were both supposed to find comfort in given how long we've both dreamed of sinking our feet into the salty water, reminding me of a memory that now felt so distant from this one.

Once upon a time, Newt and I sat together, discussing our dreams of the future if we were to ever escape the claustrophobia that lurked within the four concrete walls. That was such a great night, I remembered that it was also the first time we discovered how much we loved to kiss each other, and where we also made the vow that somehow kept the two of us going. I felt a connection with him that night.

Now look where we were; crying over the loss of our unborn child on the beach of the dream we finally reached, finding it empty after all this time.

There was a heaviness in my chest that physically pained me. His cries tore through the protective barrier I had put up that allowed no emotion to pass through it. I continued to rub my hand down his back while my other fingers gently managed his scalp, trying to provide some kind of reassurance I was sure wasn't getting through to him. Newt's hands moved from his abdomen to wrap around my lower back, one resting on my knee while he scooted himself closer to my body.

"Why does this always happen to us?" He sniffled in the middle of a cry.