"Shit, I'm bout ta cum." I groaned as Asia continued ta give me head.

"You like it?" She tried ta deep throat but ended up gaggin and pushin me back.

That shit set me off. I just wanted to bust this nut and get on with ma day. She gone finish this shit and catch ma nut.

"Gimme that fuckin neck." I grabbed ha hair tightly in ma hand and begin ta fuck ha face.

I complete ignored ha while she gagged. I needed ta buss this nut so I can go on about ma day. A nigga needed some type of stress reliever.

"Fuck." I threw ma head back and let go of ha hair, allowing ha ta freely clean up the mess she made. "Shit."

She smirked at me while swipin ha finger across ha lips, making sure no kids were left behind. She moaned as she sucked on ha finger.

"Aug–" she started, but I quickly cut ha off.

"I gotta go." I said, avoidin eye contact with ha. I pulled ma pants up and side stepped ha.

She smacked ha lips, grabbin a wet towelette ta cleanse ha face. "Why? You've been doing this for the past month. Just stay here and let me please you."

"Because I got things ta do, Asia." She stepped in front of me and pulled me close ta ha.

"Mhm," She hummed against ma neck. "Things can wait, Aug."

She pushed me on the bed and climbed on top of me. Her lips begin ta roam ma neck.

"I gotta go, Asia." I said, but made no effort ta actually leave.

I don't know why I felt too weak ta leave. I needed ta leave because I did have some thangs ta handle, but I'm stuck hea. I'm mentally stuck in this relationship with someone I didn't wanna be with. I had love fa Asia and I didn't wanna see ha out hea bad, but she wasn't doin anything fa me. This situation is conflictin. Ion want her at all, but I don't have the strength ta leave ha because if she leave, who am I going to have so I can get over Sarah?

Sarah...

Sarah had a nigga feelin like a king sometimes. She prayed fa me whenever I battled the slightest inconvenience. She was always thea ta ride fa me, even in the midst of me bein wrong. Sarah loved the fuck outta me and I know she did. I felt ha love every time she talked ta me, walked with me, even some days whea we was ready ta fuckin kill each other. That's ma baybeh and I need someone like Sarah, not Asia. You gotta be able ta give me more than just pussy.

I sighed, tappin Asia on ha leg. "Watch out."

"Just stay. Five more minutes." She whined,

"I ain' no five minute nigga. Why you doin all this shit, bruh? I fuckin said I got business ta handle, back the fuck up, Asia." I snapped.

She jumped, quickly gettin off me. She grabbed ha house robe from the floor and put it on.

"August, what's wrong with you?" She asked, soundin concerned.

"Nothing, look man, I'a see you lata. I got shit ta do." I grabbed ma keys and walked outta ha apartment.

I ain' have time fa ha overly clingy ass. We wasn't even fuckin with each other like that fa real. She was just supposed ta be some pussy so a nigga could release some of this stress. I knew this bitch was gone start actin up.

"This nigga need ta pick up." I mumbled against ma phone, callin Simon.

"Fuck you want fuck ass nigga?" He finally answered.

"Nigga, I'll beat yo puss ass back ta nola, bitch ass nigga." I said, gettin right inna car and quickly pullin off. I ain' have no time ta waste.

"Damn, nigga. Who pissed in ya Cheerios?"

"Asia, whiny ass. She don't know when ta stop. I'm steady tellin ha I got shit ta do, she still tryna give a nigga neck and shit. Bout ta make me late fa ma damn appointment." I huffed, pressin down inna gas.

"Yo therapist gone be mad as fuck."

"Right, that's why I'm speedin ova thea now. Speed limit 60 and my ass goin 70. She already don't like a nigga fa real, I ain' bout ta have ha cuss ma black ass out."

Simon laughed. "True shit though. But real quick, how ya sessions goin? I ova heard mama talkin bout it."

"I'm tryin, that's all I can say. She tryna put a nigga back on them pills."

"Wasn't you on that shit befo meetin ma sis?" He asked.

"Yes nigga, that's why I'm not tryna go back. That shit had me trippin. I had insomnia like a bitch, I couldn't even concentrate on shit. Ain' no tellin how many deals I lost because that shit. I was abusin the use of it. They had me on multiple medications too. One fa the pain I had in my body, the otha one was fa ma mental health. A nigga was depressed."

"Damn, bro. What made you wanna stop?"

"Yo sister. I remember she came ova and saw allat shit in my bathroom and started cryin ta me. She asked me one question and it had me questionin ma trust in God and ma trust in doctors."

"What she ask?"

"She was like do you believe in God. And I said yeah."

"Do you know He can heal you from this, August?" She asked.

"I'm goin through some otha shit, baybeh. God can't heal me from this. I'm a fucked up nigga."

"You're not too messed up for Jesus. Look at everything I've been through. He healed me from a lot. I'm not fully there for my healing, but I'm content with where I'm at."

"Okay." I mugged.

She twisted ha lips and nodded. She gathered ha things, befo walkin ova ta the door. "If you believe in Jesus and you believe that He can one hundred percent heal you from whatever hurts you and make you whole, stop taking it. But if you don't, don't kill yourself. Take your medicine. Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief. I'll see you tomorrow August."

"She set ma ass straight. After that I ain' touched that shit again."

"I wish she was still hea. We need ha right about now. Prayer, scriptures, fasting. Man allat. I'm glad she helped you with that though. Drugs is a serious thing ta get stuck into."

"I feel you."

Once I made it ta ma appointment, I damn near ran inside the buildin. I was already a few minutes late and I didn't wanna make this crazy ass lady more upset.

"August Alsina." I stated ta the lady behind the counter.

"Okay, I'm gonna ring for Dr. Ross."

I nodded. "Thanks, love."

I sat down next ta this lady who had ha son with ha. Fa a split second I thought she was Sarah.

"How ya doin taday, love?" I asked.

"I'm fine." She smiled.

"If you don't mind me askin, what's your name?"

She seemed takin away by the question, but laughed anyways. "Sarah. What's your name?"

I gulped, "August."

"That's a nice name, August. Are you from here? I hear an accent in your voice, but I'm not too sure."

"Nah, baybeh. I'm from New Awlins. Whea you from?"

"This is going to make you laugh, but I'm from New Orleans too. I moved here when I was 17 after I had my son." She smiled at him.

"What's his name?" I asked.

"Kevin. After my dad." I could see sadness comin from ha eyes, but it went away as quick as it came.

"Wow.." I unintentionally licked ma lips while starin in ha eyes.

She blushed, gigglin a lil. "You got any kids August?"

"Yeah, I got a son. His name's Christian."

She smiled, "That's a nice name as well."

"So, how–" She quickly cut me off.

"Well August, I think it's time for you to pay attention, because Dr. Ross called your name multiple times." She laughed.

I licked ma lips. "My bad. I just find you so beautiful and intriguin."

"It's fine. Goodbye, Mr. Alsina." She waved, grabbin ha son once his name was called by the otha doctor hea.

"Alsina." Dr. Ross called.

"Ross." I mocked, takin a seat in front of ha.

"How you doing today, August?" She asked.

I sighed, shruggin ma shoulders.

"That doesn't seem good. What's the problem August?"

"I miss Sarah. It's hard not havin ha hea. Some days I feel like I got it, otha days, I feel like I need ha. I know thea's a difference between want and need, but I know what I need and Sarah is it."

"What have you been doing to cope with these feelings?" She gave me her undivided attention as I tugged lightly on ma chin hair.

I shrugged, licking ma lips. "Nothing."

"Have you practiced any coping mechanisms? Have you visited the place you imagined in you mind? Have you took multiple deep breaths in and deep breaths out?"

"No, I haven't. I did visit Sarah though. That helped me a lot because I couldn't stop talkin. I aired out ma problems, worries, and all this frustration. But it came back. I had a drink last week and almost killed myself. I stood almost two feet away from the ledge of a buildin. I almost jumped, but it was like a gush of wind pushed me back and kept me off the ledge."

"You know by telling me these things, I may have to evaluate you again and monitor you and your behavior until I see improvement. I think you should think about taking some antidepressants. This is something serious, August. You have so much to live for. Your son needs you. You need help, August and I'm trying, but you have to meet me half way. I'm here for you."

"I don't need no muthafuckin pills." I said gettin out ma seat. "I don't need that shit. You wanna know why I don't need it?"

"Yes, August." She crossed her legs, foldin ha arms over ha chest.

"I did all this shit year ago. Even before I met Sarah and it had me fucked up. At that time I wasn't smokin and I wasn't drinkin. I took Trazodone, Citalopram, and some shit because I couldn't sleep. I became addicted to all of that. I abused it and that shit had me inna hospital fa a whole ass week. I was snappin on niggas I knew loved me, I craved some deeper shit than just antidepressants. I started doing drugs heavily. The main thing I was on was percs and xanax. I can't go back ta that shit no more." I cried.

"August, breathe."

"I got a son na. I can't have him see me like that. I was all the way drugged up and fucked up. I still regret Sarah seein me like that. I refuse ta have ma son lookin at me the way Sarah did."

"And how did she look at you, August?"

"Like she was fuckin heartbroken and disappointed in me." I wiped ma face, breathin slowly. "Like a fuckin disappointment. Bro, I'm not a disappointment, Natalie."

"August, please sit." She demanded.

I sat down, wipin ma face again tryin ta get rid of any tears on ma face.

"What it sounds like August is that you have a serious case of major depression. Some symptoms of major depression are being tired and without energy, feeling worthless or guilty, trouble concentrating or making decisions and thoughts of suicide. What I'm going to do which will be up to you whether you decide to follow through or not is prescribe you something called Prozac. It's supposed to help you with your depression."

She wrote down onna paper what she wanted ta prescribe me.

"Dr. Ross." I sighed

"August, give this a chance. If you see an improvement, continue to take it. No improvement, well stop the prescription. This is for your mental health and your family. I've seen a lot of people who were attached to extreme depression and once they got prescribed some medication, I seen a huge improvement in their life. They're much happier and they understand what it means to live. August, before our session is over, I want to ask you a serious question."

"What?" I lifted ma head up, starin at ha.

"Have you ever been so happy that not even the devil himself or the spirit of depression could ruin your life?"

I slowly nodded, "Yeah, I have."

"What did you take?"

"I didn't take anythang," I paused, rubbing my two fingers against ma lips. "I prayed."

Okaaaay, sooo I'm single again. My boyfriend broke up with me and yeah, I doubt we're getting back together. We're just not compatible, we don't mesh well. I tried to force a relationship between us because I did love him, but I can keep having someone drain me mentally and spiritually. I still love him and I wish him the best, and if he finds someone else, I wish him nothing but blessings and peace. But right now, I can't do this anymore. As much as I wanna cry and do many other things to myself, I know when I'm weak, my God is strong.

I don't know... I can honestly say, I'm really lost. I'm using this story to escape my horrible reality and it's not doing a good job. I'm still unhappy, still depressed, and still feel worthless.

But, I'm trying to come up with a set schedule for the story. I'm thinking about once a week, every Wednesday. I obviously missed yesterday because I was busy with work and other things. But yeah, I guess enjoy.

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