《I Do. (August Alsina)》I Do, 30
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"Sarah, baybeh, ya gotta eat."
"I'm not hungry, please just put it in the the refrigerator. I'll eat it later," I whispered, wrapping the blanket tighter around me.
"No, you said dat at least a hunnid times befo'. Jus take a bit." August said sitting next to me on the bed.
"August, please."
He grabbed my face, looking me deep into my eyes. "Sarah, if you don't eat, I'm takin you back ta da hospital and I'm leavin you thea."
I sighed looking away from him. I began to take very little bits of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich August made.
August knew I didn't want to go back to the hospital seeing as if I was there for two days because my blood pressure was high and my heart rate was low.
"See, progress. Na, befo Christian wake up, you need ta make sho, you straight. Ion wan see no tears, no sad faces, and allat shit. He feed off da energy ya give him. You sad, he sad."
I nodded and looked away from him. "I'm not hungry anymore."
He sighed and took the plate. Once he sat it on the dresser, he sat down next to me. "Look, I'm not tryna make it seem like I'm inconsiderate of ya feelins or ya emotions, but fa weeks ya son seen you not eat, not sleep, cry outta da blue, and lock yaself innis room. He watchin you and not only is he watchin you, he's followin you. He not eatin as much, he stay up all night, he lock his self inna room and cry."
Hearing August say this, my heart broke even more. My baby probably thought I didn't love him anymore.
"I'm such a bad mother." I cover my face, crying into my hands.
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"You not. I've seen you go ta hell and back fa dat lil boy. Dis jus a lil bump inna road. Na, go get clean. He bout ta wake up in a lil." August said, kissing my check.
I really thank August for helping us. Throughout this nightmare, he's been watching both Christian and I. August has fed us, cleaned after us and watched over us. I have to pay him back once I'm alright with myself.
While running my shower, I stare myself in the mirror, trying to discard the memories of Raymond. I just couldn't believe my eyes when I seen him at the door.
I know I shouldn't continue to let this hover over me and my life, but when something like that happens it's hard to just let me. I didn't have the pleasure of giving my virginity away. It was taken away from me by someone who I envisioned a future with.
Someone who I loved and trusted.
Someone who I planned on giving the world to.
It's crazy how I planned and envisioned a life with a man who would deceived me and put me in harms way.
I blink my eyes, wiping away the single tear that rolled down my cheek.
"You are beautiful. You are kind. You are an amazing person, woman, and mother. You will not let this bother you anymore. Lord, I need help. Help me to believe that I am beautiful, that I am an amazing mother or person. The events that happened in my life has scarred me to when I don't know my worth. I'm scared, Jesus. I'm trying to get better, but I'm lost. I'm broken. I feel worthless."
I cried out to the Lord, holding my head down.
"Lord," I sniffed, wiping my face. "I'm not okay. I know I'm not perfect and I know I did somethings in my past that were horrible, but why am I always going through hell? Why can't I be happy? Who's going to have my back when I'm down? When I just want to end it all? When I look in the mirror and hate the person who's staring back at me? Who gonna have my back and lift me up? Who?"
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I shake my head, breaking down in front of the mirror.
I heard the door open and I quickly wipe my tears. I turned and saw August with Christian on his hip.
"Hey," I smiled, rubbing my eyes.
"Mommy, you okay?" Christian asked.
"I'm fine," I put on the biggest, fakest smile and did a little laugh. "Don't I look fine, baby? How are you?"
He shrugged, then looked at August. "I'm tired."
August looked at me for a minute then back at Christian. "Let's go take a nap."
My heart broke as they left out the bathroom. Christian didn't even give me a second glance. He couldn't even look at me.
I gotta talk to him. I don't want my baby to feel like I'm neglecting him.
As I'm walking out the door, August walks in and slightly pushes me back.
"Sarah," He sighed, shaking his head.
"I tried."
"You ain try hard enough. I tol you, he watch ya erry move. You givin off da energy dat you'on wanna be around him. Like, I said I undastand sumn fucked up happened, but don't shut ya chile out because ya feeling fucked up." He snapped.
"I'm not." I yelled.
"Who da fuck you yelling at?" He looked me up and down.
"You! I'm not trying to shut Christian out. I'm scared. Do you not realize someone who caused me so much hurt and so much pain literally came knocking on my door? I've been having nightmares about this man, and to actually see him, scares me. The way he eyed me was terrifying, the way he grabbed me, made me want to die. I'm sorry that when I look at my child, I see him. I see my abuser, my rapist, and someone who nearly killed me with him bare hands." I sniffed, wiping my nose.
"And I undastand dat, but I heard you say multiple times dat ya son ain' the one who hurt you, so why treat him like he is? He tol me inna room dat you ain' love him anymo'. While you sitting hea, crying bout dat punk ass nigga, ya son downstairs cryin because you ain't been showing him any love. I'm not tryna dismiss ya feelins, but you gone have to do somethin, because you not gon have lil man in thea feeling depressed because his mother ain' showin no love or attention."
"Okay," I bit my lip.
"Good and if I'm not outchea yellin at chu, don't raise shit at me, ya heard me?"
I nodded. "I hear you."
He nodded, rubbing his hands together. "na wash up and straighten yaself out so you can present a betta you ta ya son. You got an hour befoe he wake up."
I nodded again, biting the inside of my cheek.
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