Leaves lay scattered in all directions, from the chilly winter air, white surrounds me and Ryver, on every corner, mainly from the snow that has now taken place among the skyscraper sized trees, and the concrete dotted like puzzle pieces lay beneath our feet is the same, it's a gorgeous sight.

Amongst the chaos and buzz of the city, that rain around us, I find the best thing is the warm feeling of Ryver's large hand, laced with mine.

It's bliss, today Ryver and I had decided to take a walk in the downtown of the city, it was mainly my idea that I had brought to his attention a few days before, and he agreed, it was surprising.

Maybe not so surprising considering it's Ryver, but it was nice to have someone to do things with.

Cleo had said I'm a lucky bitch, and should stop my complaining. I knew she wanted the best for me.

At times it was difficult to decipher between genuine and fake, because even now trust was still difficult to give.

"Do you come here often?" Ryver asks, as we settle on a bench that faces the park, kids play on the playground that is off to the right, parents sitting close by keeping an eye on them.

Makes me miss my mother, the days that were simple, fun, when life had thrown bricks on my normalcy and forced me to adapt to a new me, one to many times.

"Not anymore, no," I say casually while staring at the lid of a paper travel mug, that is still steaming hot, in the cup is a vanilla latte, from a cafe close by, my fingers are firm on the bumpy material of the sleeve that is over it, to keep my fingers sane, from the flaming heat of what is inside.

"Why not?"

"I-I used to come here with someone, though on the other side," I say, trying not to let my voice waver off the center of calm, there is another park, on a completely different side from here, where I would go to often.

It was me and Parker's place before the dynamic of our relationship had taken a sharp turn, and the park wasn't a place for us anymore.

"A boyfriend?" Ryver asks casually, then adds, "You don't have to say anything if you don't want to."

"Yeah with a boyfriend, we don't talk anymore," I say not wanting to elaborate further. "What?"

"Just out of curiosity, was he your only ex? You know all of mine,"

I freeze mentally if that even is realistic.

But I wonder how I can answer that?

I don't consider the men I slept with after Parker exs, they were only people to prove my body wasn't his.

That it can be worshipped, and fucked by whoever I wanted.

I wanted to have sex on my terms, and my decision.

So I answer with what I consider is the truth.

"Two one who made me really happy but nothing close to love, and the other, it was just really complicated," I say, without mentioning names. "The second one was who hurt me most I guess, we didn't have many good moments,"

There are two exes, speaking literally.

Kai was my first boyfriend when we were about fourteen, we lasted two months, and truth is, it was a happy time, things were simple, I had parents, and love, I wasn't sad and confused.

We were two fumbling teens who knew nothing but that they liked each other enough to be dating.

It ended after we both got bored, but he did make me happy, but that could be because there was nothing serious about us.

I don't think Ryver had expected me to say that, but I want to give him as much as I can about myself.

"You' regret any of them?"

"No, you?" I lied.

"I've had one girlfriend before you and to be honest, I don't think I ever really cared for her but wanted to try dating and she wasn't difficult if that makes sense, so no too."

I try not to overthink this, but this is the first time either of us has said anything of our pasts always staying on the surface.

How much longer can I go, without telling him everything?

*~*~*~*

I was standing in Dean and Collin's kitchen, munching on a granola bar, when the first page of mayhem decided to enter my life, the first storm that would soon destroy every grain of happiness I spent ages putting together.

Things had been good, better than good, wonderful.

Why hadn't I thought that it was temporary was beyond me.

Nothing lasts with me.

Dean and Cole came into the kitchen, they were in the living room watching a show I didn't care for.

I was over at their place mainly since I was bored, Cleo had left only minutes ago, and Jake couldn't make it with an essay due soon.

"What?" I ask with my mouth still full of a bite of my granola bar, I didn't care much about manners with these two.

Anyone else I would have waited until, I swallowed and said something that sounds much more polite, though these two jerks were just stopping me from enjoying my food.

"Um," Dean nudged Collin, they had matched worried expressions making me worried.

"You guys okay?" I asked putting my granola bar on the counter behind me, focusing on them.

"Promise us you won't get upset, or do something stupid?" Collin said.

"I can't promise you that until I know what it is, you know that," I immediately grow anxious.

"You tell her," Dean grumbles to Collin when he nudges him.

"Why me?" Collin shoots at Dean.

"Are you going to tell me today?" I say now not knowing if I should be annoyed or anxious, or scared even.

"Parker he's out," Collin ends speaking, "we figured out and thought it'd be best if you knew from us, and..."

But I can't focus on his words anymore, the only thing I could think of is no no no.

No, no, no this can't be happening he could come back, he could ruin me again.

"Ensleey!" Dean shouts, but I'm already sprinting to the door.

"You need to calm down your fine, everything's going to be fine," Dean promises me, as he halts my sprint at the door, grabbing my arm.

"You don't know that, thanks for telling me I need to go," I say in a rush making sure my phone is still in my pocket.

It is.

I grab my coat off the hanger next to the door, placing it on hurriedly, getting ready to face the December chill.

"Ens, calm down before you leave," Collin calls out to me, from his spot behind Dean.

"Please, I need to get out of here," I say.

"Ens.."

"No just let me leave," they stare at each other talking in a way I never understood, "I won't be reckless,"

Lie, lie, and guess what?

I'm a big fat liar.

"Just-"

"No, I'm going, I want to be alone," I stopped Dean.

"Please call us later, and be careful," is Collins' reply after a few minutes pass, which seems to have lasted an eternity.

"I will," I say, not giving them a chance to say anything before rushing out the door, and taking the elevator down, and rushing out of their building.

I stand in the middle of the busy sidewalk. My arms wrapped tightly around myself.

Seeming to be my protectors at the moment.

Where do I go?

The answer seemed obvious after a while.

I take the bus leaving my car in the lot of their building.

I do the opposite of what I promised.

I be reckless.