It's Christmas and we are going to Lauren's family today.

We've never spent Christmas Day with my family because my Hispanic family refuses to celebrate on Christmas Day for some reason.

We always celebrate on Christmas Eve. Eat, have fun, open present on Christmas Eve.

Christmas is just for left overs.

"Violet, Gia. You can't be loud, Barrett is sleeping,"Lauren says.

"How do you know?"Electra asks.

"Auntie Christina texted me,"

I park the car and we get out.

I open the door in the back and Electra unbuckled herself.

I grab a few gifts in one hand and I pick Electra up with my other arm.

Lauren sends me a look.

"What did I do?"I ask.

"She can walk,"She says.

"I am aware of that,"

"So put her down,"

"Lauren come on. I do this all the time. Parents carry their kids at this age still,"I respond.

She rolls her eyes and I start walking to the door.

I knock on the door and Christina opens the door.

I set Electra down and she hugs Christina.

"Merry Christmas,"I say.

"Merry Christmas,"

I hand her the gifts in my hand so I could get the rest from the car.

Lauren looks at me.

"What Lauren?"

"Are you going to be okay?"She asks.

I look down.

"Yeah why wouldn't I be?"

"You broke down yesterday and now you're fine?"

I grab the rest of the gifts from the car and Gia runs to Christina.

Lauren and I walk inside and take our shoes off by the door.

We place the bags and boxes under the tree.

I take my coat off and hang it up.

Everyone looks at me.

"I'm fine. I have to make it past at least one year,"I say.

Everyone looks away.

The twins when they get older probably won't even know their grandma which is what sucks the most.

Lauren glances at me then back down.

I look at the twins and they go to Lauren.

They ask her something and Lauren freezes.

"What?"I ask.

"L-Lise can you take the twins in a different room?"She asks.

Lisa nods and the twins follow Lise to the toy room.

"Lauren why-"She cuts me off.

"They asked where their grandma is,"She says.

"What?"

"They noticed she wasn't there yesterday or today,"

Tears build up in my eyes and she opens her arms.

I crash into her and she holds me.

"I-I didn't th-ink they would notice,"I cry.

"I know honey,"

"She's gone,"

"I know,"

"Why her?"

"I don't know,"

She picks me up bridal style and I continue crying.

She carries me somewhere then sits down.

"Lauren I hate not having her here,"

"I know. I hate it too. She was my mother-in-law,"

"Why can't I let go?"

"It's hard to let go of something like this,"She says.

"Lauren I just want to forget. I want to forget everything. I want to forget I was in the car with her that day. I want to forget seeing her laying there lifeless,"

She rubs my back.

"I know princess. I'm sorry you had to experience that,"

"It's fine. I have to get over it,"

I wipe my tears.

"No you don't. Ignoring it isn't going to make it better,"Lauren says.

"Lauren this is my way of coping. Burying it deep down and ignoring it,"

"It isn't healthy,"

"It hasn't hurt me,"

"It can't hurt you if you don't acknowledge it,"She says.

I get up.

"Can we go back out there? We have to open gifts soon,"

"What am I supposed to tell the girls?"She asks.

"Tell them the truth. That their grandma died,"

"A few weeks ago you didn't want them knowing. It's Christmas I'm not telling them,"

"Okay,"

I open the door to the room and walk to the living room.

Everyone looks at me.

"Presents?"I ask.

They nod.

We hand out the presents and everyone looks at me.

"Can you all stop? The more you look at me the more I think about it. So stop. Stop looking. I'm fine,"I say.

I sit on the floor against the wall and Lauren sits next to me.

"I'm fine Lauren,"

"I know, you keep saying it,"

She grabs my hand and I lay my head on her shoulder.

We watch as Christina opens the things for Barrett, which is mostly food, diapers, wipes, clothes.

Then the twins.

"Mama who goes first?"Electra asks.

"You can open the presents at the same time,"Lauren says.

She wraps her arms around me.

I watch as our kids open their gifts with a smile.

They've been wanting this Barbie set, along with hot wheels cars so they can see which ones are faster.

I don't think they know it's faster depending on how hard you push it.

Soon it's my turn to open gifts and I mainly get clothes and money and I notice Lauren looking at me while biting her lip.

I slowly open the box where her present to me is and I grab the tickets from inside.

"Tickets?"I ask.

"To the Bahamas,"She says.

"It's not for a couple weeks so we can get tested before we go. Us, the kids,"She says.

"I love you,"I say smiling.

"I love you too,"

She starts opening her gifts and then she gets to mine.

She's been wanting this Polaroid camera for so long and so I got it for her.

She opens it and holds the camera in her hand.

"You didn't,"She says.

"I did,"

"It's so expensive,"

"Says the woman who bought four tickets to the Bahamas,"

She groans.

"You wanted it. For a long time,"

"I know. Thank you. I love you,"

"I love you too,"

Once everyone finishes opening their presents the twins play with their toys.

Lauren sets up her camera and points it to the twins, and Barrett who Christina laid in between the girls.

She takes a picture and once the film comes out she grabs it.

"Y/N,"Lisa calls me over.

I get up and walk over to the door.

"What are you doing here?"I ask.

"Your mom told me what you said to her. What Lauren said to her,"He says.

"She isn't my mom. Don't call her that. My mom is dead! She isn't my mom!"

"She is your mom. Your dead mom is another thing,"

My breathing picks up by pace as I try to control it.

"Christina take the girls to play in the snow,"Lauren says.

I feel someone's arms wrap around me and I push them away.

"Why the fuck would you say that!?"

"I was telling her the difference. Between dead mom and alive mom,"

I sit on the ground with my knees against my chest as I hide my face.

"You are such a fucked up person! You don't just bring something like that up!"

"She can't talk shit to my wife! And neither can you! She told me what you two told her and it pissed me off!"

"Yeah so that makes it okay to bring up her dead mom!?"

As someone rubs my back I push them away with as much force as I can, which isn't that much.

"Mami!"

"Electra go with Gia,"

"Stay away from Y/N,"

"She's my daughter,"

"And I'm her wife,"

The door slams shut and I still struggle to breathe.

"Princess breathe. It's okay,"

I shake my head.

I feel someone grab my hand as they place it on their chest.

"Copy me. Breathe in. Breathe out. In. Out,"

I start gaining control over my breath.

Once I get myself together I look up at Lauren.

"It's okay,"

I shake my head.

"How can you say it's okay? He's my father! He just basically talked shit about my dead mother! How is anything okay!?"

"Y/N I know that you don't feel good right now-"

"Yeah you can say that,"

"But that's why I'm here. So we can talk about it,"

"Talk about what? He's my father, he has a wife, my mom is dead. What is there to talk about?"

"Honey I know you're still grieving. We can go home if this is too much right now,"She says rubbing my back and pulling me into her arms.

I shake my head.

"Are you sure? We can go home now,"

"I'm sure,"