It's Christmas Eve and Lauren, the twins, and I are spending it with my family and tomorrow we're spending it with Lauren's family..

This is my first Christmas without my mom and Lauren knows it's affecting me.

"Honey it's gonna be okay. You know your mom would be proud of you making it this far. She's spending everyday with us. With you. She's watching you everyday,"She says rubbing my back.

"How do you know that? She isn't here. I can't hug her!"I cry.

"Y/N come on do this for her. You being happy would make her happy. You know that,"

"I don't know that! She isn't here! I can't see her smile or hear her laugh! This is the first year Lauren! The first year the twins aren't going to get present from their grandma! Why!? Because she isn't here and she's never coming back!"I yell.

"Honey you know if I could do something I would, but there's nothing anyone could do. Your family is waiting on us,"She says.

"I don't want to go. My dad is going to be there with his new wife, my step mother. She isn't my mom!"

"Shh, I know baby. I know,"

"Why couldn't it have been me? I was in the car! Why did god take her!?"

"Because god knew she lived her life the best she could. Maybe he took her so she didn't suffer later when something happened. Maybe this was to help her,"

"It should have been me Lauren,"

"Don't say that. It isn't your time. It was her time. Not yours,"She says.

"She came out dead and I only came out with a scar!"

"Y/N I know it's hard-"

"No you don't! You have two living parents! Who are together! You don't understand it at all!"

"It's almost been a whole year,"I mumble.

"I know,"She responds.

"Almost a year since I saw my mom laying lifeless on that hospital bed!"I yell crying.

"Do you know how much that fucked with my brain!? Lauren I didn't go in a car for months! I couldn't go anywhere without seeing her! Christmas was her day! She would go all out with decorations and food, and presents, and making us happy! I took all of it for granted! Lauren I see her! I woke up and saw her! Her birthday is in two days! I see her all the time! It kills me that I know she isn't there!"I continue yelling.

"Honey you need to talk to someone. Not me. A therapist,"Lauren says.

"I don't need to talk to a stranger about my life!"

"I know, but-"

I push her away from me.

"No!"

"Y/N-"

"I can't Lauren! I can't talk to anyone other than you about this,"

"Babe this is messing with you. I'm worried. Over the past couple days it's gotten worse. So much worse. The girls are worried. You scare them when you grab a cup and drop it because you see something. When your walking and you stop for no reason. When you break down crying while you're sitting on the couch. We are all worried about you,"She says.

"I can't Lauren!"

"Stop yelling,"She says.

"I'm not going to talk to a stranger!"

"Y/N, stop yelling the girls are in the room next to us,"

"I can't go Lauren. She isn't going to be there,"

"I know she isn't. Everyone else is, and she'll be watching you,"

"Lauren I can't go,"

"For the girls please,"

I stand up and she follows.

"Lauren you go. I can't,"

"Please Y/N. You're mom wouldn't want you to miss out on this,"She says.

"You don't know that! No one knows that! I'm not going to that house to see everyone! To see my dad and his new fucking family! His wife died and he gets married two months after! He was cheating on her! She didn't deserve it!"I hit her chest.

"She deserved better,"I continue hitting her chest.

She stands there not pushing me away.

"She should be alive!"

"She should be here with me! With my sisters!"

"It should have been me!"

"She didn't deserve to die!"

My punches progressively getting faster.

"It should have been me!"

"Not her!"

"It should have been me or my dad!"

"He didn't care about her! He had another daughter! Another girl! He got married again! He moved on! He treated her like shit! She fucking dealt with it! She should be alive not him!"

Lauren wraps her arms around my waist and she pulls me closer until I stop hitting her.

I cry against her chest unable to speak.

"Shh, it's okay baby. Let it out. It's just me and you,"She mumbles and kisses the top of my head.

"Are you sure you want me to take them?"She asks.

I shake my head.

"I want to be with you,"I mumble.

I grip her t-shirt making sure making she can't leave.

"I need you here Lauren,"

"Do you want to go to my family tomorrow? I can tell them we can't make it. They'd understand,"

I shake my head

She picks me up from my thighs and she sits on the bed with me on her lap.

"You know I'm here. I'll always be here,"She says.

"We can stay here, watch a movie, and cuddle,"She says.

"I want to go. If I can't go now how am I gonna bring myself to go next year and the year after that?"I ask.

I pull my head away from her shoulder.

She cups my face and brushes the tears off my face.

"Are you sure?"She asks.

"Yeah. I just need to shower and get ready. Can you get the twins ready?"I ask.

"Yeah of course,"

I get off of her lap but she pulls me back.

She cups my face and stands up to connect our lips.

I reciprocate the kiss.

This kiss just full of love.

I smile against her lips and she pulls away.

"There's that smile,"She says.

"I'm sorry for hitting you,"I say.

"It's okay. I can handle it. You needed someone to take it out on. I'm happy you trust me enough to take it out on me,"She kisses my cheek and brushes my hair back with her hand.

"I love you,"She says

"I love you too,"

After showering and getting ready we go to my cousins house.

Once we get there everyone gives me a hug and the twins run to the other kids.

"You look like you need a drink,"Alex says.

I look at Lauren, knowing she doesn't like when I drink because her whole family is pretty much against it.

She nods.

"You need it honey,"She says.

"Are you sure?"I ask.

"Yeah. I'll watch the girls you need a break,"

I peck her lips.

"If you need me find me,"I say.

"I won't need to find you. This is your break away from everything. Go get loose,"She says.

"I love you,"I say.

"I love you too,"

I walk with Alex to the small bar in the house.

"How are you?"She asks handing me a beer as I sit down.

"Could be better. I kinda yelled at Lauren. It's been hard, with Christmas and her birthday in two days,"

I take sip of the beer she handed me.

"How are you with Max?"I ask.

"It's fine. He's being distant though,"

"Bitch drop him,"

"I want to. He's making me feel guilty about not wanting to talk to him about things,"She says.

"I will find him,"

I down the beer and she hands me another.

As I start drinking the second beer Tia Chari sits down.

"How are you mija?"She asks.

"I'm fine Tia,"

She glances at my hand.

"It's her birthday soon isn't it?"She asks I nod and continue drinking the beer.

"Yup and I took it out on my wife,"I say.

I finish the drink.

"Slow down,"She says.

Alex hands me another drink.

"Tia she needs this,"Alex says.

Tia walks away.

I down the drink and a few more and someone grabs my waist from behind and I hit their hands away.

I turn around and see Lauren.

"Sorry,"I mumble.

"It's okay. It's nice to know you would push someone away,"She says.

"How are you?"She asks sitting next to me.

"I didn't know how much you could miss someone until now,"I say.

"Where are the twins?"I ask.

"With your cousins,"She says grabbing my hand.

Someone walks into the room and I turn to face the door.

"What the hell are you doing here? You aren't family,"I say trying to stand up, but Lauren holds me down.

"I'm your stepmom I'm family,"

"Why don't you just leave? You know that no one here wants you to stay,"Lauren says to her.

"Why are you talking to me? You aren't part of the family either,"My step mom responds.

"She is more family than you are. Where were you when my mom died? Fucking my dad!? Ruing their marriage!? She died and you married my dad! Who the hell are you to say who's family!? My dad isn't even family!"I yell.

"I'm here to see my grandchildren,"

"You will never replace their abuela,"

Lauren let's go of me and stands up.

She walks to the woman standing across the room and grabs her shirt.

"Get the hell out of here. My wife is going through shit right now and you showing up here is making everyone's day worse. Go and take your husband and your daughter and leave, before I do something I won't regret,"Lauren says and pushes her out of the room.

My stepmom scoffs and goes to my father.

They leave and Lauren sits next to me again.

I climb onto her lap and connect our lips.

She kisses me back.

"That.was.so.hot"I say in between kisses.

She grabs my waist and I gently grind my waist into hers.

"Baby anyone can walk in,"She says pulling away from the kiss.

I get up and lock the door.

"We just have to be quiet,"I say.

I connect our lips and she grabs my waist and pulls me over to the couch in the room.

I straddle her lap and slowly grind against her.

She places her hands on my thighs and she rubs circles on my upper thigh.

I wrap my arms around her neck and grind harder.

She lets out a breathy moan and pulls away from the kiss.

I trail my hands down her neck to her chest and I unbutton her white button up shirt.

Once I get to the last button I toy with her waistband.

I push her shirt off of her shoulders and she tosses the shirt on the floor.

She grabs the hem of my shirt and pulls it over my head.

Once the shirt is on the floor her hands trail down to my ass.

She gently squeezes my ass and I moan.

She captures my bottom lip in between her lips and I keep up with the kiss.

I trail down her body with my hands and unbutton her jeans.

"Y/N we can't do this here. You're drunk, and you're also loud when we do this,"She says pulling my hands away.

"I'm horny,"I groan.

"Control it at least until you're sober,"She says.

I get off of her lap and put my shirt back on.

She puts on her button up shirt and I button it up.

"Let's go check on the kids,"I say.

She grabs my hand and I unlock the door and we walk out.

Addison and Lisa look at us.

'Horny bitches' Addison mouths.

I roll my eyes and Lauren and I go to the back.

The rest of the day we just watched the girls and cuddled.