I have to pretend to be happy.

I have to pretend to smile.

I have to pretend that I'm still okay.

I clearly looking myself through the mirror of my bathroom. I finished brushing my teeth and also putting some moisturizer in my face. But still I feel so incomplete. Ah.. I'm not that Can anymore. This is not the old Can anymore. This Can that I'm seeing in this mirror is the Can pretender. I pinch my both cheeks and trying to curve my lips upward to form a smile. I pity myself so much.

I suddenly remember that the first time I initiate the kiss here in this spot. The time I kissed Tin and agreed finally that I will dating him. I shake my head because that's not necessary for this time.

Before I breakdown, I leave immediately that bathroom and changed myself into school uniform.

Remember Can, pretend to be okay. And try to move forward step by step.

---

"You don't have to do this Dae" she weirdly pick me up early in this morning. Now we are currently walking down the streets.

"What Can?" seriously? acting so innocent?

I've stopped from my walking and face her.

"This Dae. You don't have to this again. Your house is way beyond far from my house and its kinda wasting your time and effort" I frankly said. She shrugged.

"Well if its you, it doesn't matter" I'm now starting to irritate.

"Dae!"

"You know I'm not only doing this to win you back as my friend before, but also you to realize that I'm just always here. I can wait till.."

"Till what Dae?" I know what she now up to. I can see that to her face and I can feel it.

"You can love me" how can be she so straightforward person.

"No." I turn myself back at her and continue to walk. But she grabbed my arm and made me face her.

"If I go back to my old self, to Dae that you used to be your friend. That Dae who was pure and innocent. You will like me right? I can do that right away Can" I'm shaking my head and gently push her hands to my arms.

"Its enough that I was the one will pretending. Dae you cant go back to the past anymore, even if you want. Dae lets just be like this, I can be still your friend, but don't expect me to give back your feelings for me. I'm sorry Dae, its enough that I forgive you" I thought she was going to be angry just like the first time she try to pursue herself to me but instead she smiled at me.

"Maybe its not the right time I guess. Its okay Can" but I can feel it that she fake it. I patted her shoulder.

"You will find another better man than me" sounds so cliché right? I just saw and heard this line from some random movies that I watched.

But If I will tell myself that line. I don't know how like? Is there another better man than Tin? But if he was a great man why the hell he dumped me?

---

Is there any other day that I don't screw in school. But today was the worst. I was not able to myself, first I didn't listen to any lecture from my prof, second I was just damn space out, third I was called out because of that, fourth was worst because that prof kicked me out to her class because I talked back to her, that may sound so rude. And here I am, hello detention.

That was the first time I was humiliated in class. I shouldn't bring my own personal feelings to other people cause I might hurt them or annoyed them. I was so stupid.

"What happen to you Can? This is not you" my gang welcome me outside of the detention room. Cha-am who asked me that, remember sometimes she like to tease me but this time I don't feel to talked to her the way I used to.

"You shouldn't attended class today if you still not okay" yep I already told to Good everything happen.

Cha-am and Pond looking so confuse to us.

"We don't know something right?" Pond the nosy one.

"I don't one to be nosy just like this idiot guy who stand next behind me but I'm dying in curiosity here"

"Ah I don't if I can tell you tha--" I cut off Good.

"We broke up. So yeah I'm like this. I feel wasted!! You know what? I cant stand pretending that I'm okay because I'm not. That's why I force myself to attend school because I don't want to lock myself in this shit situation and cry all by myself. I'm so tired of thinking of what I've done so bad or wrong, why he break up with me?" the biggest fear I might done for doing this to myself is to breakdown. This is the perk of having first relationship, I don't know how to cope it out. I don't know to act like okay, I don't know how to go back to myself.

Cha-am hugged me and patted my back. I cried like a child that who was stole a candy from me.

Its still heavy for me. This feelings I have.

"Can lets just go home" Dae asked me.

I wipe my tears and pull myself to Cha-am. Everyone looking so worried at me.

"No. I just need to be alone" I stand up. Sniffing my nose while trying not to cry again.

I turn my back to them and started to walk away from them.

"Can.. wait--"

"Let him be, he was in despair state we have to let himself.." I heard Good lecturing Dae. I didn't hear the whole part of it because I've was really far away from them.

I found myself in Tin's hiding out place. Where I flashback the first time I meet him. That we threatened each other that day. I can only smiling with those little memories. I was about go to step further when someone grab me in my arm.

It was Type. He look everywhere and feels like he assuring no one was watching us.

"What are you doing here?" Type is still gripping my arm. Why do I feel I'm not welcome here?

"I just want to see Tin.." I don't I look so pathetic right now. I just said that I'm going to move on but look here I am, looks like I'm stalking him.

"You are not allowed here. Not anymore Can" he said then he lose the grip of my arm.

"I don't understand, what did I do wrong? I'm just here to hear explanation from him" I'm really pathetic.

"You don't have to understand. You guys broke up already. You have to go back to your normal life, you must forget him and all of us" with that he left me speechless and dumb.

Did Tin really hate me so much and he even his friends want me shut off of their lives.

---

a/n : im kinda hurt writing this chap, hi guys thank you for those reactions i really appreciated it!! hope you stay tune for coming chapters thank you 💙💚