i've spent the past few days of winter vacation alone

i play japanese 80s city pop and autumn lofi beats on my mother's old vinyl players, sending a warm, soothing volume through this cold house, this cold room. a soothing volume, like poppies singing in the breeze by poppy lethe, soothing in a way so that i could fall softly into forgetting about you. ::::: the snow never stops these days. it falls softly, falling slowly into blurring the edges of a memory, the memory of blooming.

how strange it is, that the white snow brings the dark days.

over the past few days, i sleep, paint, repeat. reminisce, forget, repeat. over and over again. meaningless, in a peaceful way, the way i want to waste my life away. ::::: i hang my new art pieces over the living room walls, the paint still wet when i hung them on. tangerine paint swirling into periwinkle, and feverish green. dripping over the walls, into a colourway fadeaway faraway.

pictures of strawberry rain and windflower fantasies, wonderland constructed from courage. pictures of small gray cat toys that became life companions. pictures of waiting, waiting for something important. ::::: and the days pass by like pages flipping in a sketchbook, occasionally with pressed wildflowers scented with dreamy oneiroi in between, pages dull from repeating over and over and over until the days slip away like-

it's new year's eve today.

i watch the winter sunset glowing softly, threading through the snowflakes dancing a dance of death in the thin air ::::: wings falling the color of heaven ::::: something golden spreads softly over the sky, slowing dissolving into dull gray darkness as the minutes slip away slowly, but with conviction, of these blue december days.

another day is gone. another year is gone. a new year has come. a new era has come. an era that will begin with an empty feeling inside me, an era to begin with my heart homeless again ::::: another year to waste this young life again. ::::: something strangely sad aches in my chest. because i'm missing a piece of me. but where has it gone? where have i gone?

the jazz beats and japanese city pop continue to drown in the background ::::: and then, as if it were in a dream, a knock sounds on the door.

your face came into view, a face of the empty eyes and shrouded darkness, hidden in the warm caramel shadows that flecked the green ::::: your eyelashes hold snowflakes like the branches do. there's a smile on your face, but not enough to hide the shadows of the ghost of a boy you are, the tormented boy you are.

we stand there, not speaking for a few seconds.

i raise my hand. and before i know what i'm doing, my hand flashes over your face sharply, the sound of the slap almost echoing. your hand flies to your cheek, your eyes widening with surprise. we stare at each other, the air suspended, before your lips slowly rise into a smile.

your laughter flashes through the dull, darkening winter sky, as if they had the power to bring the dusk back and rewrite this entire year, and the next era that is to come.

"why did you do that?" your bangs fall into your eyes as you ask. you lift a finger and push them casually away.

i smile. there's something endearing about talking to you.

"you didn't come,"

your eyebrows arch in surprise.

"so you went?"

"yeah,"

"but you said you wouldn't, that's why i didn't go"

【auburn's pov】

she looks me steadily in the eyes, her gaze honest and holding a quiet dignity that takes my breath away.

"i'm sorry for lying that i was busy. i don't know why i did it,"

in the background, autumn jazz beats plays softly from a vinyl player in the corner of the living room. her eyes never waver as she continues, a steady rhythm in them, a window to her heart. she's a song that rhymes, a song that steadily flows, like paint dripping swirled colors down walls.

"but really, i wanted to be there with you,"

a strange feeling erupts in my chest, like that day by the bridge, and the water reflecting the city lights. when you told me that you would wait for me. (and for a moment you become you again, and not "her")

"i see,"

its as if the world was set into motion again, as if our conversation had frozen us into time. i glance at her, as her gaze shifts past me into the shadowed december sky.

"i'll be going now,"

"oh..."

i step on to the porch. the snow continues to rain down. i take a few more steps forward, before looking back, before saying the next words,

"come with me, let's see the fireworks together,"