fingers run down my cheeks like

w i n d and

w h i s p e r s and

darkhair and blackblueeyes

and you

"look at me,"

the thin gray-brown october grass // tickles my neck and locking into // my hair and i feel sensation // returning through my veins when // your fingertips touch mine // blurry petals of sight above me // your breath mixes with my asphyxiated gasps // your eyes are the first color to sharpen in my // trembling vision // and

"you had a panic attack,"

your voice is an ocean

the only constant in a universe // where chaos is the norm // where the sound of disorder is the only thing that will // never change

i take hold of the syllables // falling over your lips // spilling into my frozen veins // making a ladder with them and i hold on to them // because you're my lifeline // and slowly the sound of the ocean teaches me how to pull myself up

w o u l d y o u b e m y w o n d e r l a n d ?

you stay kneeled beside me when i sit up // your hair brushing through the cracks of my fingers // and when i move my hand they tangle like vines // until they can't be unraveled

"are you alright?"

humiliation blooms bleeding red flowers // the color of the sunset // yet no one knows when a red flower bleeds // the numbness numbs the scorching discomfort until i muster enough nobility to lie

"yes,"

my head is a room of broken glass beneath a plastic sky // tainted with carbon minoxide // blue methane // and a deteriorating ozone layer i can't fix (can't fix can't fix) // they say my world is dying but i say it's already // dead // my mind feels hot and cold at the same time // a fire hotter than the sun // mixing with rain // and neither can cancel each other out //

blue black bruises bloom blackholes in my battered vision when i attempt to get to my feet // nebulae glowing green blue throwing dust // the color of the aurora borealis // into empty vacuum // gravity pulling at the strings of my muscles // my bone marrow // and alluring me to drown in the earth // yet i hold on to the sound of the sea until i stand

"i'm sorry," your voice is tender like a scarlined bruise // far away like another galaxy yet as close as the wind kissing my cheeks // but oh darling, it was never your fault

"don't worry. i liked the view,"

figments of sea wash through the cracks of my mind // we head down the small road // created by the times i came down here to listen to the ocean // (and fantasize about drowning) // gray dirt // eroded of all color // mixing with swirls of beige sand

i just want to let go of my tattered lifeline and sea if i have the courage to survive and i hope i don't because all i want to do is to dissolve like rose petals in cyanide tea

w o u l d y o u d r o w n w i t h m e ?

your eyes scan the shoreline // chasing the wind like a star would do a speck of dust // the ocean and sky make your eyes seem gray // your dimples peak out to the world from the corners of your lips // you look at me as if you want to be my friend

maybe we could be friends?

your eyes are ivylined facades // hiding crippling darkness // your soul is made of crumbling cigarettes and something so dark that no one could ever make out of it alive // but why do i want to be there?

could you be my best friend? i'll tell you all my secrets / i'll tell you all the times that i wished that i could die

we don't talk about what happened on the cliff // i know that you wouldn't want me to prod // yet if i could be i'd write you 100 letters of apology // scrawled on candy wrappers and leftover origami paper // tied to balloon strings stained with alice's tears

"why do you like the ocean?" you ask

"because it's the only music you can listen to that makes you feel alive, or at least want to, and make you want to sleep and dance and watch a sunset at the same time. because it's the only one who listens."

they lived along the cracks sprawled over the earth // searching for crystal rivers while crying salt and hail // yearning for the moon to pull them away with the tide

they add volume to my waters and i use their tears to weave songs of clinging to the edge of the waterfall // of soaring off the edge of the world // of finding wonderland // of drowning and ending the painstaking cycles of withering and shredding into pieces

their skin caress my shoreline // shoes soaked with water enriched by memories and // bottles filled with torn notes that were never delivered // here and now i write the song of their story

i write of blue dolphins of starlight diving into the sky // away from the world // of wildflowers blooming to face the sun // sunflowers by the sea, waiting for the moon to rise // a new star born from the nebula of another // of minds shredding and fading and breaking into pieces pieces pieces

because the beautiful are never meant to be together // they are a beautiful tragedy

we stay quiet // listening to the ocean // a song of blue dolphins of starlight diving into the sky // away from the world // of wildflowers blooming to face the sun // sunflowers by the sea, waiting for the moon to rise // a new star born from the nebula of another // of minds shredding and fading and breaking into pieces pieces pieces

a beautiful tragedy

your fingers brush mine // skin seeping through the cracks of my palms // filling my missing pieces // your cheeks soft like the faded moon peering over the darkening horizon

could you be mine?

could you be my wonderalnd?

"try to catch me," you lean forward till your voice brushes my ear

before i can catch my breath you're running away down the shoreline // the flying foam flowing around your shines like white silk // the cinnamon sun is minutes away from meeting the horizon and melting into the ocean

you are my sun

your laughter is the color of june sunsets stranded with pastel wind // the color of the ocean song // piercing through the void i'm drowning in

i feel alive for the first time

snowflakes of sea spray tangle in your dark hair // as i sprint after you i am finally free // free // free // f-r-e-e

but beautiful moments aren't meant to last // how tragic it is that i can't even be a beautiful tragedy

it is not an ocean of saltwater drowning me but it is the ocean in my mind tainted with blood red suns that witnessed all the bloodshed of humanity // i am the bane of my existence // drowning as you run away from me

just let go, the ocean says

she can't save you

no one can ever save you