"Dedicated to Touching"

Listen to "young and beautiful" by Lana Del Rey

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Dreams.

There is a different type of hurt and pain that throbs at the base of the heart, that kind of aching is ignited by the loss of a dream.

When I arrived in New York City, I had lots of dreams. Then I met James Andrew and lost half of them.

The common misconception is that pain and pleasure are often taken as polar opposites, two lines that never intersect, perfect parallels. But infact, the lines between those two things are very blurry. So thin and delicate.

James gave me pleasure and pain. I'm not blaming him for the things that happened, it takes two people to mess things up for one another.

Some feelings are addictive.

Whatever brings us pleasure tends to be desired even more by our brains, leading us to search it out. To chase it.

I chased James. I wanted the pleasure he could provide me. The comfort and validation of having a man wrap his arms on me was addicting.

Perhaps I wasn't even in love. May be my brain was lying to me so it might attain what it desired.

What was I, if not exploited?

Or even worse, I was truly in love with James and thus turned into a fool. A ludicrous little girl who spent her time running after a man who'd never love me back. And I got burned. Like a moth to a flame, I failed to stay away. And now my fragile delicate heart aches from the pain of being burned.

I hate thinking about him. But James visits me in my dreams. That's how I know am trapped. Because even though he ain't here, James dwells in my mind.

Free rent.

___________

I prepared delicious spicy lasagna for Enos and I.

It was a 'Thank you meal' for everything he had done for me. Its been a week since seeing my mother again. She is yet to wake up but her condition is drastically improving. Which is great news on my part, her health status has been worrying me.

Enos drove me to the state prison hospital each day so I'd watch over Brianna. He kept me company when I was devastated, miserable and badly needed a friend. There wasn't a single time he complained or claimed to be tired. Occasionally, I had to force him to get some sleep because he seemed so exhausted.

Yesterday, Enos returned every cent I lost when saving us. He even paid off each of his debts and that made me happy.

But he had to sell his car in the process of clearing everything he owed people. Enos loved that car, it was caluculatively expensive since it paid half the debts. He is using a rental car for the mean time. That makes me sad because Enos losing his car was painful for him. It was a gift from his father. So I understand his disappointment.

Hopefully, this lasagna might cheer the man up a bit. I carried the pot of food on a handy bag.

I knocked on his door expectantly. My hair was pulled back into a simple bun though I smelled like lasagna. I cursed under my breath because it was slightly embarrassing. Perhaps my natural scent might mask that.

He opened the door.

My eyes fell to his pleasant attire.

Enos was wearing a vest shirt that compliment his physsic and inked skin. He crossed his taut arms infront of his chest. The ghost of a smile haunting his pale lips.

"Aren't I happy to see you!" He has a great smile.

"Very happy." I smiled back.

Enos was dressed casually. I was suddenly hyper aware of my own code. Why did I wear this skirt? Come to think of it now, it's incredibly short.

His blue eyes slightly flickered as they landed on my exposed legs but Enos immediately gazed else where.

Ruffling my hair, Enos invited me inside, closing the door behind us. He tends to be a touchy person. I don't mind that though, Enos is not the creepy type. He's infact surprisingly gentle when he holds me. Like a child or a puppy.

It was eight o'clock in the evening, and knowing Enos, he hasn't eaten yet. We usually have dinner together at my place, but I had a different plan for us today.

"I made lasagna." I announced stepping into the living room with him ahead of me.

He glanced over his broad shoulder, amused. "So thats where that delicious smell is coming from."

My cheeks flushed.

I lifted the handy bag. "Right in here."

He groaned satisfied. "You're amazing. I absolutely love lasagna."

I lightly laughed at his excitement. "Then you must surely enjoy this. Its my mother's impressive recipe."

"God bless Brianna." He took the pot from me and placed it on the table. "Let me get the beers." He said.

I sat on the cosy sofa, placing my legs under my thighs. "And taquila." I yelled out.

"Sure."

After a couple of hours, it was obvious that we had too much to drink. That's exactly what I wanted. I came here to forget about my pain and misery.

To push back any crippling memories of James and the things I'd lost.

And It was starting to work.

Up until something inside my head managed to convince me that the burning alcohol wasn't enough. That I needed more and more to make everything disappear to the back ground, to drown and never emerge and taunt me again.

My eyes trailed to Enos who was sited next to me on the couch.

He had a taquila bottle against his red lips, downing the intoxicating drink to his guts. Enos had been stressed lately. So the alcohol was an escape from his frustrations. And he drank each drop religiously.

"So glad you came over tonight." Enos exclaimed, putting aside the bottle.

His lips were coated in a thin veil of virgin oil from the lasagna, which was quickly swiped away by his tongue.

"Yeah," I replied, gently sinking my teeth in my lower lip as blue eyes met green.

The alcohol was already in my head. Slowly corrupting my judgement and manipulating my senses. Boosting and triggering confidence that was to cynical for my honest and dignified upbringing. All centered around one perception.

The thing with alcohol is that, it creates ideas that make sense only when consuming it. And right now, those ideas seemed appealing.

"Love is blind Enos." A malicious but sad pitiful laugh left me.

He sighed. "And cruel."

I felt that.

I took another sip of whiskey and leaned my head on the sofa. "Its so unfair."

Enos chuckled bitterly. "Let's not talk about love. It makes me sad." His voice was spiteful and wavey because of the drinks.

"What if there was a way to feel better right now?" I said Intuitively, staring at my pale thighs and Enos's hands.

He raised a dark curious brow, "I'd openly take it." Enos confessed. "Anything to forget the pain."

I smiled.

You see, the deceitful trick of alcohol is that it enhances the desire for the things we crave the most.

Right now, for both I and Enos, the desire for relief was prominent. But mine was accompanied with something else.

Enos's hands flew to his chin, scratching the faint stubble.

I legitimately observed his big hand, inadvertently licking my lips as I noticed how perfect his fingers were.

Long enough to hit the most important spots, thick enough to feel them in.

That was where my drunken mind was slowly leading me too. I wasn't interested in Enos, atleast not emotionally.

But I'd be a liar if I were to say that I hadn't noticed how extremely attractive Enos was. He was a good looking man with perfect features that got paired up with a gorgeous hard flexible body.

Imagining how those tough muscles may feel when laid on top of me was a triggering scenario.

I acted upon it.

I got up from my side of the coach and slowly stepped towards him, careful not to drop anything.

Enos looked up at me Lazily, "Do you need something?" He asked, thoughtfully.

My eyes dropped to his lean gorgeous frame. The itching desire to be pressed under him invaded my womanhood.

I gently pushed the blouse off my shoulders, letting it settle on the carpet.

The look of surprise that flashed across his handsome visage was impossible to miss. Enos stared at me and quickly stood up to lift the fabric, but I took a step back, preventing him from covering me.

"What are you doing, Elisabeth?" He instantly turned around to shield his starving eyes from my glowing skin. "Are you insane?" His voice carried shock and something else, Tenderness.

I still had my bra lingering on the surface, cupping my breasts. I nervously nibbled on my lower lip and stared at the Adonis's broad shoulders.

"I want you." I replied softly, timidly.

"What?" He was visibly confused, and the alcohol wasn't helping. But the small array of hope was rested on his heavy voice.

The boosted confidence was currently driving me. I wasn't complaining though.

"I'm serious Enos." My voice charged with eagerness and emotion for him.

His reaction was immediate and expected. He couldn't make sense of what I'd been saying yet. "What are you talking about?"

"Enos..." I called breathlessly, taking a step forward. "I'm right here, so reachable and ready for you to take me in whatever way you choose. We can both take advantage of this." I cooed.

Enos's hands rested on his face. I'm certain his mind was racing miles just from how tense his body appeared. "You've had too much to drink." He blunted.

"And you've wanted me for years." I was brave enough to say. "There's nothing stopping you now."

My reply advanced Enos to turn and face me. He did not dare glance at my body as his dilated blue eyes met mine.

"From the confession you made that day. I know it was me that you adored from a far." I explained.

He stared.

"I was the only girl who moved to that highschool during your sophomore year." I announced.

Realisation hit him. "Shit.." he cursed.

Of course he missed that little detail. He was too busy winning trophies, excelling in life and being the center of attention to be aware.

"You can have me now." I offered, smiling sensually. Drawing Enos in with my captivating gaze.

He protested, seriously. "Not in your current state. Its the alcohol talking."

The way he was speaking to me dominantly was a serious turn on. An enormous on switch.

"So?" I fired back. "I still want you inside me." The temptation of my rolling letters made him weak, I could see it.

Enos lost his internal stability as I said those dirty words.

"Don't use my feelings for you against me." He warned.

Enos could be as mad as he wanted, but his primal manly parts still overpower his anger. I could see how his hot blood boiled for me.

And he had more to drink than myself, it's only a matter of time until Enos breaks.

"We have nothing to lose." I bribed sweetly. "Stop torturing yourself by holding back."

Enos began to shake his head. "Elisabeth, you aren't in the right mindset. You will regret this tomorrow."

Impatient.

"Leave tomorrow to worry for itself."

I moved my hand down to my pleated skirt and pushed it down my legs, letting it fall to my ankles together with the blouse.

I was standing with only a lace set plastering my body. Nearly naked.

"God help me." Enos looked above before his eyes landed on my almost naked body. His strength crumbling to the floor.

The anticipation grew inside me. "This can be yours."

I admit, the alcohol was taking a serious toll on me. I was more than just tipsy.

My own body was starting to react to his lustful stare. The core of my being was warming up, wanting to be touched, devoured and taken in the most sinful of ways by him.

Enos released a heavy defeated breathe. "I can't do this to you."

"And yet, you're hard." I licked my lips as I stared at his growing bulge. "You find me delightful."

He groaned, frustrated. "It can't happen Elisabeth."

I frowned. "You don't want me."

Enos looked me straight in the eyes. "Thats the only thing I've been doing for years. Wanting you in every single way possible and fantasizing about having you beneath me. But the circumstances......."

"Aren't important." I interrupted smoothly.

Enos pointed at the empty bottles of liquor on the flow.

I ignored that, getting impatient as I grew more eager to be with him. Especially after his wonderful confessing about how much he so desperately desired to sleep with me.

I appreciate being desired and wanted. There's no woman who does not enjoy attention and seeing a man thirst for her.

Obviously, I'm no different.

I began walking towards him and he instantly started to back away, until he sat back down on the large sofa.

Perfect.

"Elisabeth.."

I placed a hand to his lips, silencing him.

Enos had his fingers tightly wrapped around the arm of the sofa, as if to stop himself from jumping on me.

His selfcontrol crushing hard as raw emotions flooded him.

"Put your clothes back on." His words were coupled with both lust and fury, signaling danger and paradise at the same time.

I deliberately ignore yet again his threatening words, instead, I chose to straddle him.

Enos did not withdraw his fiested hands from the couch, that was the only thing holding him steady. Keeping the man from taking me while I sat on his lap.

"I'm so, so ready for you to make a mess of me." I wrapped my arms on his neck.

The instant I noticed the dilation of his stunning eyes, my lips twitched forming a smile.

_________