You can think you've run away from something or someone,

But actually....

You've been carrying them with you the whole time.

"About last night," Enos began to speak but I stopped him.

"Just keep driving." I said. "I don't want to talk about it."

Or even think about it.

It makes me sick.

"It's a normal thing Elisabeth, you mustn't feel embarrassed about it." He said calmly, keeping his eyes on the road. "I understand stuff like that happen."

We were headed to the Florida State prison. After talking with Attorney Trovatto about an hour ago at his law firm, he gave us a permit to visit my mother before her release on Tuesday.

It's a three hour drive from Orlando to that place.

Enos offered to take me there. It's his way of making it up to me after what happened the other day at his house.

"Don't go on about that." I asked him. "It's not something am proud of."

Flashes of that dream kept coming back to me. It felt so real. And honestly, I wish my mind was more respectful of my decisions.

I could never sleep with James again if I were to be conscious and in the right state of mind.

Just remembering that dream makes me want to drown myself.

I truly convinced myself that I left everything behind when I flew to Florida. Thoughts of James hardly crossed my headspace anymore. He hasn't been on my mind for a while up until last night.

It's really disappointing to discover that my heart is still clinging to things of the past.

If only it were possible to rip the organ out.

I would've done that along time ago.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of Betty." Enos kept talking.

I can't be in this car anymore.

I might throw up in here.

"Stop the car." I told him.

"What?" He frowned.

"Hurry up before I make a mess." I held my stomach tightly.

Enos hit the breaks immediately and pulled over the driveway.

Stepping down the vehicle, I rushed to the furthest tree behind the sidewalk while Enos run after me.

I threw up the breakfast I had this morning.

Enos tapped my back as I emptied my guts. "Are you done?"

"Yes." I nodded, standing up straight.

Looking around, the long road to the state prison wasn't busy. Infact, few cars moved by it.

No houses from miles away, just fields and acres of farm lands.

It wasn't a sunny day.

"Let me get you some water." He went to his car.

"I want to sit out here for a while." I announced.

"Sure. I'll keep you company." He offered, returning with a water bottle and handing it to me.

We sat on the grass by the edge of the fields for a while.

I felt at ease as a calming peaceful silence settled.

I laid flat on the grass and gazed at the cloudy sky.

Enos lay beside me as well.

"Are you nervous on seeing Brianna again." Enos was referring to my mother.

"Yes." I confessed. "It's been a year without communication."

Because she never once replied to any of my letters.

Enos held my hand that was between us. "I can accompany you once there, if it's okay."

I agreed. "Thank you."

Enos smiled.

"Can I ask you something?" He questioned.

"Is it about last night?"

One thing I've picked up about Enos is that he never lets things slide. He addresses them regardless.

"Kind of."

I nodded. "Go ahead."

No point prolonging the inevitable.

"The guy James, are you in a relationship or something?"

I found out from Enos last night that I tend to speak when dreaming.

The embarrassment.

I don't think I've ever been more embarrassed in my life. Enos practically heard the things I was dreaming about.

"We weren't in a relationship." I replied. "And I hate talking about us because I feel pathetic and ashamed."

Sadly.

I shouldn't have set my eyes on James.

I was suppose to deny his advances at the very beginning.

"Do you love him?"

"Why asking?" I faced him.

Enos's eyes appeared grey because of the weather. Mine probably carried the same shade.

"Cause you've been dreaming about him." He replied.

"Once." I rephrased.

"You called out for James the previous night as well." He informed.

God.

I closed my eyes and pressed my lips together.

I'm starting to hate myself.

"There's nothing wrong with loving someone Elisabeth. It's not pathetic either."

I tried not to sigh. "You're only saying that Enos because you have no clue of what happened. Perhaps if you knew, then you'd look at me differently from how you see me now."

"And how do you think I'm looking at you?" He asked.

"As if I'm innocent." I said simply. "Far from that. "

"I don't see you as innocent Elisabeth. I never have."

I shifted my eyes to the sky.

"I'm a horrible person Enos." That is how I've been feeling. "I hurt people that don't deserve to be."

It's a difficult truth to swallow. But am very much aware of what a disappointment I can be. Especially when I ignore warning signs and red flags.

"You aren't the first person to hurt someone else." Enos said. "The difference is that you regret what you did. Whatever it is."

That doesn't make me feel any better.

"You asked me if I love James." I reminded. "Yes I do."

Enos nodded. "Then don't be ashamed of thinking or dreaming about the man."

"I should be ashamed though. I did something bad."

"Which is?" Enos seemed curious.

"I allowed myself to fall for someone who isn't mine. There's nothing more pathetic than that." I told him.

The expression on his face was neutral.

"Then I guess that makes me pathetic as well." He said.

"What?"

"You're not the only person on earth that has wanted someone they cannot have. Nobody can teach a heart who to love. It doesn't work that way." He explained.

"But that doesn't excuse what I have done." I frowned.

"You got involved with him right?" Enos looked at me. "An affair?"

I fixed my eyes above as I confessed. "Yes. And I curse at myself everyday for pushing through with it."

I was wrong.

"When I was a sophomore, this girl moved into our school." Enos began, I listened quietly. "She was the silent type, never mingled with people and always prefered hiding away at the library or bleachers. I don't know why though. And somehow, I couldn't help but notice her. No matter where I turned to, I spotted her in the crowds and corners. The longer I watched her, the more I began to realise how extremely beautiful she was. I liked her hair the most and how she would use the long strands to hide her pretty face. I wanted to talk to her and so I tried getting her attention. But not once did she let me get anywhere near her."

"Not once?" I asked, surprised.

Enos was practically the heart throb of our high school. Who wouldn't want to talk to him?

"Never." He confirmed, chuckling. " I eventually started to grow feelings for the quiet girl. I began noticing her more and more often. It got to that point where I could not get her out of my head. As creepy as this may sound, I started walking ten feet behind her when she took the road home everyday. Just to make sure she was okay. I thought I was losing my mind."

"You were seriously whipped." I said. "Did you confess how you feel?"

Enos frowned. "When I finally admitted to myself that I had fallen for her, it was already senior year. I so badly wanted to tell her that I loved her silence, her movement, her intelligence and her hair. And everything else about her. I didn't know much about her, but for the little I picked up, I adored each. But we were leaving for college and I figured, what's the point? She eventually left town and that was the end of everything. There was nothing I could do."

I felt sad for Enos. He sounded so hurt.

So I squeezed his hand to comfort him. I didn't know what to say.

"What's sad about this is, if I had just one shot with her, even if it was an affair, I wouldn't hesitate to take it." He was being serious.

"I spent three years adoring this girl in the dark, infantuated, wishing I could even touch her, talk to her, walk with her around town hand in hand. I was crazy about her and she didn't even know it. As pathetic as this may sound, I would not turn down an Illicit Affair. Perhaps it means I'm a fool and an idiot but that would've been more than enough for me." He confessed without a stutter.

Desperate people do desperate things.

That sentence has never hit me hard as now. Hearing Enos confess that to himself made me realise that bad decisions are made mostly by those who are in love.

Those people who only look at one person and convince themselves that nothing else matters.

The people who make grave mistakes in the name of love.

US.

"What are you trying to say Enos?"

"That don't hate yourself because of the bad choices you made. Regret and guilt are unavoidable and necessary but don't let those emotions kill your spirit. If you don't forgive yourself Elisabeth, you won't have a future."

I tried to pardon me but It ain't working. And I tell myself that it's only a matter of time but who knows?.

"I don't know how to forgive myself." I stated my truth. "Especially since I put myself and others into that kind of situation. I broke a man's heart by being with another. That can't be changed. "

"You've said it yourself, what happened can never be changed. But it doesn't mean that you can't change." Enos said, then continued. "I've done horrible things too. Everybody at a certain point has done something they regret. I could've choosen a different path and avoided hurting others but I didn't. And I was wrong, but we can all learn from our experiences and turn things around for the better."

"I want to be a better person." I announced. "I really do."

"Me too." He confessed. "I so desperately want to be more than this."

"What now? How do we get there?" I asked.

I was desperate for change. I never wanted anything more as much as to be better than this.

"We move on and hope that there's a forgiving God." He sat us up. "And we think of other people before ourselves."

I added. "We put ourselves in their situation and save them the pain."

Enos nodded.

"Exactly, And guide our hearts the best way possible. Hopefully, it will follow." He continued. "But first, we forgive ourselves and learn to live with the consequences of our failures."

"It's hard." I told him.

"But possible." Enos assured. "We'll do it together."

"Together."

What settled in the back of my mind as we walked to the car was this,

There was only one girl who moved to that High school during Enos's sophomore year.