this is to the boy I loved during the time I wrote this story.

I will always love you.

until my bones are nothing but the roots of soil-bound flowers.

the earth and water.

and the dirt under your fingernails.

so please remember,

the sun on the day I met you and the moon the night we kissed.

for it inspired me to write this.

thank you for making me the person I am today.

thank you for loving me when I didn't think I was worthy enough.

I never stopped loving you.

I hope you are well.

you're forever embedded in this story.

so thank you for that.

and everything.

***

"The secret of blue is well kept. Blue comes from far away. On its way, it hardens and changes into a mountain. The cicada works at it. The birds assist. In reality, one doesn't know. One speaks of Prussian blue. In Naples, the virgin stays in the cracks of walls when the sky recedes. But it's all a mystery. The mystery of sapphire, mystery of Sainte Vierge, mystery of the siphon, mystery of the sailor's collar, mystery of the blue rays that blind and your blue eye which goes through my heart."

– Jean Cocteau, from "The Secret of Blue," Tempest of Stars: Selected Poems (Enitharmon Press, 1997)

***

"The one subject that hits the hardest is love, whether it's platonic, romantic, loving it, gaining it, losing it ... it always hits you hardest. I don't think people want to hear me talk about going to bars, and how great everything is. The champagne popping ... who wants to hear about it? I don't want to hear my favorite artists talk about all the amazing shit they get to do. I want to hear, 'How did you feel when you were alone in that hotel room because you chose to be alone?"

six months later

With skies saturated in liquid gold, and parted white clouds that glowed across our quiet town, contrasting against that morning glow perfectly. Dripping gold, dripping sunlight and morning dew, ghosting the heavy lids I peeled open to the smiling sun. It was like fine honey, something about it tasted so sweet as I inhaled deeply and let my sore lungs relax.

It was when I shuffled against the old moss green couch that I realized a body was next to my own, blonde messy locks spiraled out over my chest as the unknown girl snored lightly into the sweater she snuggled into. I sighed softly, trying to adjust my body without disturbing the girl.

My friends were all plopped around the green backyard, some in sleeping bags, some on the couches that laid around the grassy grounds. Ethan and Sierra slept soundly down on the ground below me, a little too loved up as they cuddled in their sleeping bags. Her red stained cheeks contrasted against her dark hair so nicely in the morning, in love with the man she laid against. She had his name tattooed on her knuckles now, an act of love that made my stomach churn.

I let a yawn escape my parted lips, staring at the sleeping group around the yard. I recognized them all as my friends–except this girl sleeping against my skin and burning into my lungs.

My body felt so numb from my chest and down to my dangling legs, I was completely submerged in a hazy set of mind that numbed me. You're probably still drunk, I told myself. I stiffen in my skin, trying to regain the feeling in the tips of my fingers and toes. A buzz tingled in the skin down my body, my bones crunching together as I strained next to a sleeping body and the back of a rain stained couch.

"Leave already," the blonde whispers against my bare skin as my heart races, her hot breath left goosebumps down my core and I feel my heart push into my sore bones as she shuffles on the couch.

"I won't bite," her tone was playful, a smirk on her pale lip as her eyes remained closed. "Again."

I chuckle nervously before pushing myself up off the back of the couch and landing on my feet in one swift movement. I was a little too hasty in my departure, but I was thoroughly confused by her statement and what it meant about my previous night.

I also needed water desperately.

I let a relieved moan escape as water trickles down my throat, the cool liquid seemed to soothe my aching throat instantly and I felt refreshed already. I take a deep breath as I lean against the kitchen sink, I noticed a few of my friends starting to wake up and socialise, Ethan and Sierra were kissing each other good morning and even Richard had a girl named Rachel clung to his arm as he scrolled through his phone. I felt left out, something darkening shadowed over me and I missed the feeling of having someone there.

That connection was such a hard thing to grasp, no matter who you are or where you are in life, romantic affections are always so mysterious. But they plague the world like an infection disease, only death isn't always the ultimate end but rather growth or knowledge. A broken heart is something everyone wants to know about. That broken hearted girl from the boy next door, that boy who had his heart torn from his rib cage from the new boy in town, those parents that divorced after fifteen years together.

The blue eyed girl who met a blue boy, broken together and broken apart.

Everyone wanted to talk about those kinds of love.

I supposed it was easier to talk about that, when love blooms is takes over. Contorts your bones and blood, your veins and soul, it possesses you and chemicals buzz through your brain flourishing happiness and love. But it's too intense, like a bright light that leaves you blind when it's turned off, and you're left in nothing but darkness.

"Styles?" Richards voice echoes behind me, I soon realise the water is still running and my glass is just sitting under the tap overflowing. "You all good?" He chuckles.

I shake my head, quickly turning the running water off and emptying my glass. "Yeah," I reply breathlessly. "Just hungover is all."

A girl soon follows in the back door with nothing but shorts and a tee over her curvy body, brown hair messy and wild but when her red lips curved to a nervous smile as she saw Richard, I ached a little inside.

Her eyes were green, like lush trees inside a pine forest and although nothing like the girl

I thought about, I swear they looked bright blue when the sun hit them a certain way. Her body was rounded, curves across her stomach and thighs and skin so perfectly porcelain you wanted to run your fingers over it.

She pushes up on her toes as Richard snakes an arm around her, smiling like a fool.

"I should get home," I spoke so softly. "Got college in the morning." Was my overused excuse.

Not that it wasn't true, but I could function on two hours of sleep at college if I needed too.

No I needed to go, to paint. Z left his studio open for me after he moved to London, and ever since then I had spent every waking hour I could inside–painting. I painted all I could remember of my broken heart, I painted over every detail I could of her blue eyes and ruby lips, I painted the smell of her perfume and how it felt inside my lungs, like a spring mornings inside a vanilla scented home that was filled with light and love.

Painting was always my easy escape, my therapy on bad days and my embrace of love when I felt the loneliest. But now painting was more than that, it was my memory of her, it was my sanity without her, it was my heart ripped out of my chest and smeared on a canvas.

It was my life more than ever now.

My walk to the studio left my mind at ease, too much social interaction seemed to exhaust me these days and escaping made me feel new again. I was tired, but I never felt more alive with that fresh morning air filling my lungs as I walked along the familiar street.

Something in the air changed though, like a ghost haunting behind your bones, invisible but somehow it still managed to eerily whisper inaudible words inside your soul, lifting the hairs on your neck and back.

I stopped in my tracks, and that was when the car drove past me. Slowly at first, then it took off down the street and left my body breathless.

It couldn't be.

My heart raced with my mind, the sound thumping inside my ears like a midnight thunderstorm. The car was so familiar to me, that paled yellow paint and dented back door, and the stickers from her trip to Manchester plastered all over the back of the vehicle. My breath inhaled sharply, the car turning down that same street I'd walked down so many times.

I didn't think, I just ran.

I ran until my legs ached to the core, the bones straining inside my burning muscles as my chest heaved. I sprinted with every bit of adrenaline pulsing through my body, my breath aching from my lips, but I had to know. I couldn't go on without knowing, surely I was imagining this but something ignited inside me that made me think perhaps I wasn't.

That maybe she really was back.

I ran down the street just in time to see the car turn again, I picked up my pace and felt the pain ache within me as my lungs strained to gasp a breath.

It wasn't until I reached that final street, at the very end where that small cottage stood, that I stopped running. I just stood in front of the gates with my eyes wide, heart pumping and breath shallow and heavy.

The school still looked the same, even though it had been such a while since I'd been here, it still felt the same when I looked at those buildings. Familiarity inside, iron gates and brick buildings filled with so many memories.

Memories of my loss, my love, my mind and my soul.

Memories of my blue eyed girl.

I don't waste anymore time, running through those gates without a second thought.

My body still knew where to go, behind the old art room and over that old and dry hedge bush that no one maintained. Then follow the small garden down a narrow hill to where the back fo the school laid, and then finally you reached it.

The willow tree.

I almost couldn't breath when I walked slowly towards the familiar tree, it still loosely hang down to the ground, still had those extended thick branches I always sat on. The grass around was still lush, a few wild flowers blooming amongst the area and the sweet smell of vanilla perfume washed over me, flowing through the breeze that went through the willow trees branches.

I arrived with a beating heart, an ache in my chest and the breath inside my lungs hitched in the back of my throat.

My stomach was twisting with my final step forward, my breath pushing back into the pits of my belly as I blinked a few times to make sure I wasn't in a dream.

There she was, sat perched under the tree with a book in her hand. Her lips were still red with bite marks lingering in the bottom, her freckled skin still perfect under the sunlight. Her galaxy still ignited with the stories she read, lingering on her mind like a wild dream and twisting into her soul.

Her eyes still blue, depths like the ocean and ready to drown you in seconds.

My blue eyed girl.

I step forward, almost scared she'll disappear as the crack of sticks startles her. I was so scared, but when she looked up at me with the same expression she did the first day we met, that smile forming against her crooked teeth and her eyes glowing with the sunlight.

I realised then, that she still loved me, and I still loved her.

"Hi,"

"Hi,"

THE END

***

Um, did we just finish the story???????!

Am I crying?!?!??

Yes.

Excuse my language but HOLY SHIT STICKS!!! I am so beyond sorry this ending took so long, but I had to make it perfect okay. And even now I'm still not sure, but that ending scene was exactly how I imagined it so many moons ago. And I'm so happy to finish this story, it's been my baby for so long but, time to say goodbye.

Or is it? *dramatic music*

Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has taken a chance on me as an author and made my dream of completely writing a story a reality. Thank you so much, like I can't even think right now I'm so happy!!!

We did it!!!

I love you all so much, so so much, and I dedicate this chapter to each and every one of you.

Thank you again my lovelies.

-A