lola

"Here we are," Louis cuts the engine off before turning to me, a smile lingering as the sweet cologne he wore danced with the breeze through the car window. "Home."

And here home was–well it was home three years ago at least. When I was first in love and my skin was blemished with puberty, my body still portioned weird and my obsession with a certain "bad boy" type was immense.

I inhaled deeply, staring at the familiar farm house. The panels around the structure were still that faded lavender, messy gardens and green paddocks occupied the property and a few sheep and horses still lived inside.

Louis lived here when we first met, his grandfather owned the place and let him move here when his mother kicked him out for refusing to attend school. Louis grandfather picked him up, drove to the farm and enrolled Louis in my school the next day. He was the only person that never put up with his nonsense.

And that was the beginning of our story, we met a week later and instantly he made it his duty to have the innocent, awkward girl fall in love with him. How cliche we loved to be.

"My grandparents are out of town for a few days, so it's just us," Louis spoke and I felt somewhat relieved and saddened I wouldn't see them.

Even after everything that has happened, my time with Louis would always force memories and feelings to linger inside my soul. It was strange that even now he impacted me so greatly, the people in his life and the memories we shared together.

I guess your first love really never does die.

"Do you remember," Louis cuts my train of thought. "Your seventeenth birthday was here, and you got so drunk on granddads tequila you couldn't even stand up," I cringed at the thought, but laughed along with him. "And I had to carry you out to the porch, so you wouldn't vomit anywhere inside and get me in trouble."

"Yeah." I chuckle. "And you told me you loved me."

Louis' eyes seem to glimmer with the afternoon skies above, a sly smirk laced his lips as his head turned towards me. "Yeah, I told you I loved you and you cried."

I let out an annoyed noise. "I did not cry." The denial makes Louis laugh even more.

We are left in silence as the car radio plays softly in the background, one of Louis rock ballads hummed in my mind, reminding me of a time I was happy. After I turned seventeen everything got darker, my mental health strained with the stress of school and home. I barely saw Louis at that point, his pursuit in music began and he was already a local star, performing in pubs and clubs every weekend. It was summer break when I first attended a show, he got so drunk though he barely even recognized me at first, too interested in the blonde girl that followed him around like a shadow. I still supported him throughout the night though, and when their gig ended I went looking for him behind the club to praise his performance, but ultimately found him kissing the blonde girl.

Something in me broke that moment. It was all a blur, but that feeling inside my stomach rung through my bloodstream and made my face and body go cold, I ran away and cried so hard I thought I'd stop breathing from the uncontrolled sobs escaping my lungs.

Louis tried to talk to me, but ultimately it was his granddad that picked me up and dusted me off.

I called him and he drove all the way into town to get me, he left Louis behind and took me here where I went into the paddock near the old duck pond, and I screamed. I yelled to the stars in the sky, I yelled to the universe to heal my broken heart and I cried until I fell to the ground. It was therapeutic, but for weeks I would be so broken and faded from the wound inside my soul trying to heal.

A week later was when Harry came into my life, like my very own miracle that taught me how to paint my sadness away.

But here I was again, and this sadness couldn't be painted away again.

"He told you what happened last February, didn't he?" I question Louis, his smile fades. "Your granddad."

He sighs, running fingers through his long, dark fringe. "Yeah," he replies softly. "I'm sorry."

"It was a while ago now." I shrug.

"For everything." Louis adds.

Louis and I share a look as I turn to focus on him, he appeared so innocent in the faded golden lights across the sky. I stared straight into his eyes, the colour like heavy rain, with the thunderstorm inside and the waves of his hair always keeping me afloat inside in vast soul. He was as deep as the ocean, and sometimes I didn't mind drowning inside him.

"You could have done things differently," I reply. "But, it's okay."

Louis gulps, nodding his head. "Do you want to talk to me, or talk to the stars?" He smirks but his voice is sincere, eyes deep.

I smile, looking up at the skies that faded across the freckled stars beginning to glow. The colours darkened but the sky was alive, and so I stepped out of that warm car and felt the chill wake up my bones. It closed behind me and Louis turned the music up, the song let her go by passenger playing in the background.

The cicadas began to sing across the landscape, the grass tickled my skin as I let my fingers ghost over the tips. I felt free here, no one around, no worries inside the raven skies and no heartbreak in the stars that began to smile. It was like the garden-fresh world around me was new air, pure oxygen running deep inside me and clearing out the toxic demons deep within the marrow of my bones.

I was so lost in all this love, exhausting my body and soul. I didn't know who I was anymore, every breath I inhaled was filled with the bitter reality of memories I hated to miss. I intoxicated myself in love, the books I read infused the thoughts I had and created an affection I craved, but ultimately couldn't touch. I was a ghost, watching myself from above, weeping for my broken soul and tearing through the world to devoid the sadness.

I'd drowned in the ocean, forgiven when he touched my tainted body. And when he told me to spread my none existent wings, everything grew darker when I couldn't and I was tarnished and frowned upon for not being perfect in this idealistic world, first created by the woman who created me then taken over by the men who she sought for her imperfect daughter. My ocean eyed boy taking charge until I drifted to shore, losing myself inside an emerald forest. The green eyed boy inside that would burn me in the weeks to come, his love to intense and too raw for me to handle.

I screamed so loudly that night in the open field, I let my lungs saturate in the sadness and that sadness rose up into my throat and burned the world around me. I let my arms spread like those wings I longed to have, I screamed to those perfect stars to let me find what I didn't know I was looking for. I let tears roll down the heat of my cheeks, staining my skin with the hated memories that sacrificed my happiness for years. I was entranced in coming down with the world that night, I didn't know how much it all got to me until I was in the arms of Louis.

He cradled me as I collapsed, the despair and regret, the guilt and hatred, it all consumed me so much and when I finally let it out my body couldn't bear to stand anymore. He held me when I came down to the ground.

"It's okay, Lola." Louis consoled. "It's okay."

"He-" my sobs controlled my voice, Louis held onto me tightly as I inhaled deeply to calm myself.

"He what?"

"He kissed her." I finally spoke. "He kissed Amber."

"Amber? Amber Newton?" Louis questions, his tone changing slightly.

I sighed. "Yeah,"

"Oh," Louis says. "Oh shit." His tone lowers but I still hear the change in his voice, his eyes glazing with guilt as my curiosity drowns my sobs.

"What?"

Louis doesn't say anything.

"Louis, what?" I sternly press the subject. "Tell me now or-"

"Alright," he sighs. "Let's get back in the car."

I stand to my feet as Louis holds my hand to assist me, I could still feel my phone buzzing inside my jean pocket and ultimately knew it was Harry. As we walk back to the vehicle I grab the device and turn it off, I wasn't ready to face him just yet, I needed answers.

Louis and I slam the car doors closed, retreating back into the warmth of the car.

I turn to him, noticing his faded eyes and guilted stare. "I don't know if this will make anything better, but I'll always love you Lola and I want what is best for you."

My heart tugs but I swallow my feelings, taking a deep breath. "Tell me."

"Alright," Louis starts the engine of the car, grabbing a cigarette and placing it between his lips. "I'll tell you everything."

And so he did.

***

Alright I'm writing this ending rather slowly (well the chapters are super long so less details get told I think) so we're going to carry out this story a little bit more I think, which is good bc I love writing it.

The next two chapters are major ones though, all questions are answered and all the troubles and drama are mainly put to rest.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter my lovelies.

And any of my readers that are being affected by the hurricane, my thoughts and preys are with everyone and urge you all to stay safe. 🌹

-A