talk of mental health issues and suicide.

lola

My lungs ached with the deepened gulps of air filling inside the tissue, so cold I could barely withstand my own breaths. The night stood still for a second when I stopped taking those throbbing breaths, that's when I realised I was in the middle of the road, the gravel rumbling against my shoes and inside my bones.

But all my mind could think of, was him. The boy with the sun kissed skin and pine forest soul. I'd been so lost, so absorbed in the thick canopies and mossy grounds of his soul, and now that I was out, I was breathing new air and it hurt inside my trembling body. My throat closing in on itself as I heaved in and out, ribs breaking as my heart ripped itself out of my chest to the ground below.

I didn't know I could cry so much until that night, I thought I'd drown in my tears under the stars and the moon. I cried so profusely my body couldn't handle it, I fell to the road with heaviness. The ground below cutting the skin against my arms and legs, blood staining my hands and pale skin, but I didn't care when I stared at the inflictions. All that hurt was the thought of Harry kissing another's lips, the thought was suffocating me.

I was so sure my heart would just stop beating there and then. But still, my blood still pumped and the heart inside my aching chest kept beating.

I was so engulfed in sadness in that moment I hadn't even noticed the rushing headlights down the road, even the sound of the car engine was blurred in another reality deep within my brain.

I closed my eyes, holding myself in the middle of the road. I thought I would die that night, I thought my heart would rip open and bleed out, or that car would hit me, or something else would happen to me and I would finally take my last aching breath.

Until I felt the arms of my mother wrap around my shoulders, I knew it was her even though my eyes were closed. Her scent of chanel always repulsed me, but in this dark street on a cold night, it was my salvage and refuge, in a dark demonic place. I felt like a child–like when you were five or six and would fall on the concrete and scrape your knee, your mother rubbing her fingers against your tear stained cheek as she placed the band-aid over the wound. Feeling new again, okay in this harsh world.

When my eyes opened again I was inside my home, my father was merely a witness to my breakdown and as he watched my mother guide me upstairs, he said the same words he said two years ago.

"Will she be okay?"

And my mother repeated her same words.

"She will be."

Warm water rose around my cold skin as the bathtub slowly filling, my gnawing body sitting on the porcelain floor, my legs tucked into my chest as I cried so harshly my throat hurt. The hot steam stuck to the tears that fell down my red cheeks, my mother caressing her gentle touch down my neck and back as she let warm water run through the the dark strands of hair. She didn't bother to ask why I was so broken tonight and I wanted to thank her for that, but I was too afraid she did know and was grabbing onto that knowledge why I was vulnerable.

But all I did was cry, cry as my mother washed away the dirt and memories staining my skin. She remained silent, cleansing the skin that felt harsh against my own hands and gently soothing her fragile daughter as she tried to keep me together, again.

She helped me dry myself, wiping away the sticky tears against my face.

Then she dressed me, hugging me tightly as that sweater fell below my thighs.

And then, as if I was that anxious six-year-old little girl again, she tucked me into my bed and kissed my forehead goodnight.

I had almost forgotten our relationship was so strained when I looked into the blue of her eyes that night, my body falling into the softness of my pillow below as she turned the light off. I wanted to thank her as she walked away and closed the door, I wanted to apologize for all of the fights and all of the missed moments we had throughout these years. But my throat was filled with sadness and guilt, I couldn't even cry anymore as my eye lids became heavy in the moonlight. I was sure, if I wasn't so exhausted I wouldn't have slept that night, but my body was bled dry of any soul or life. My heart exhausted of any love and happiness, a tired blue soul ready to sleep for eternity.

I opened my eyes briefly, a split second as the stars seemed to shine the brightest. A single tear fell down my temple and stained my pillow case as I whispered my Harry's name into the nightmares that lulled me into a heavy sleep.

***

I was wrapped in the comfort of my bed that entire morning, my face buried into the cushion of the pillows below, my heavy body filled with the echoes of my cries. I finally let my eyes open when the sun was at the highest point in the sky, it seemed the gray skies matched my mood today and I let myself stare at them instead of my room. My eyes were sore, dense, and visions of Harry and I haunted inside.

It felt like hours I laid there, staring into space with a blank mind.

I had become so afraid of love and what it had done to me with Louis. I still got those flashes of his blue eyes and crooked smile that made my heart heavy. But now, Harry had taken over the entire contents of my body and soul and somehow he eased the pain of Louis–until now that was. Now his existence was black, dark and overwhelming like the lipstick stain she left against the corner of his mouth.

I tried to become myself again in the hours that passed that day, I couldn't stop the crying and complaining though and soon it just overtook me. My entire soul became a liquid blue, transparent and lost again.

I was searching for something that I couldn't reach anymore, I thought the innocent and fresh soul of Harry was what it was for me–but all he did was paint the love I craved, and now my ghost was lost inside one of those canvas' and he knew that. He lost that tug I had inside him long ago, perhaps it was when he laid eyes on Amber, or perhaps another, but I wasn't there in his soul anymore.

I wasn't his blue eyed girl anymore. I was just the blue soul he broke into a million pieces.

Time passed slowly but soon enough the darkness overwhelmed the skies again. It passed by in shadows against the pale skin of my body, moving across my bedroom floor as I made my way into the cold bathroom that was engulfed in a cold, dark feeling. I inhaled deeply, liking the taste of the air around me that matched the numb and quietness inside my head.

I stripped down, naked and bare like the wounds left on my soul. My feet touched the tiles softly, a slight echo, but nothing overwhelming.

I found the cabinet door as I fell down, my body so weak and fragile when it hit the tiles. But I didn't feel it, so I opened the door and found the hidden bottle of peach schnapps I hid so long ago. It was just before Harry started college, my home was quiet and soulless, and we sat in the bathtub drinking straight from the bottle, his smile haunting inside my bone ever since that night.

I grab the bottle, removing the lid and sculling down as much of the liquor as I could. It burned my throat and stomach, but I still licked it from lips with nostalgia of Harry's mouth inside my throbbing skull.

Then I sat in the tub, I turned the cold water on and put the plug in. For what felt like eternity, I sat there as the water filled up the tub and I drank the alcohol as it stained my bloodstream. Numbing my body, soul, and mind.

I shivered, trembling with the beat of my heart, the alcohol burning against my skin and heart. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't find anything inside to cry about anymore and that made the dull ache inside my chest grow.

All I could think was how I could do it.

Use the razor in that shaver, cut your wrists.

Find those sleeping pills in the other bathroom and take them all.

Drink until you pass out and drown.

So many ideas ran through my mind but I didn't act upon it, instead I let the only voice inside my head overwhelm those demons inside. I jumped out of the tub, water splashing everywhere as I stepped out and ran into my bedroom naked and cold.

I grabbed my phone from the desk and dialled that number I would never forget. I few rings echoed in my anxious mind until finally.

"Lola? Are you okay?" His voice was so soothing, so familiar.

Tears began to run down my cheeks as I tried to find words, the ache in my throat held me back so much. But I strained against the harsh feeling, and spoke the same words that replayed over and over again in my mind.

"I need you, Louis."

***

Oh man this chapter was so emotional to write, made me so sad.

, I watched the scene above in skins for inspiration in this story so, yes there is similarities to that. But that episode always inspired me throughout this story, and was one of the reasons I began Blue actually. But I just wanted to let people know that it's similar for two reasons.

1. The scene is where effy is finally seen as broken and vulnerable, and in the story that's what happens here with Lola.

2. It fit so perfectly with this and I just had to write my own version of it.

Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter anyways. Thank you guys so much.

-A