harry

The love pill, better known as ecstasy I suppose. It started with dilated pupils, perhaps my eyes became the forest they resembled and now they were thick and dark, overwhelmed with night skies and pine needles. I blinked but they remained wide, a blackness swirling around the centre of my vision while my sight became hazy.

I looked to Richard, his normally chocolate toned eyes were almost black and then he smiled so widely I thought his jaw would break. White teeth and a crooked smile.

In the passing moments, I felt a rush down my throat and into my stomach, it somehow extended through my limbs and then into my veins, kind of like the roots of a tree. Euphoria warmed my blood and bones, all bitter tastes forgotten. It was this pure ecstasy that made me feel like I was on top of the world tonight, it reminded me of what it felt like the first time I kissed Lola, only better, stranger as the room spun with my laughing friends.

For what felt like hours, I was on an extreme high, more and more people joined us upstairs and it felt other worldly as the best of music played with my heart thumping. The room around me became a isolated universe, but it felt like the best place in the world for a little while. My mind created a portrait of reality that I didn't quite understand, it was like the images I created in my mind were speaking other languages, painting a new world through the bright colours and perfect edges. It was as though this entire world was shoved into the depths of my brain, colours and paintings and blue eyes all spiralled around inside and made a galaxy appear before me.

I watched my friends and burst out laughing, only it echoed with the voices around me. I finally sit back down, laughing. A psychedelic dream state inside this reality I wasn't quite sure was actually there, but it made me forget those painful memories inside my mind–I needed that. I forgot the hurt, the guilt and the anxiety that pulsed through my veins. It was all gone, like a brand new canvas that I could now create better images on, more colours and more love.

But eventually this euphoric state would come to a crashing halt, with my body collapsing to the floor with it. My muscles tensed against my burning skin, like they were imploring to relax–but something was forcing them to strain inside my limbs. I felt my teeth clench tightly with the vile rising from my stomach, like acid bubbling inside my belly, almost like boiling water inside a kettle.

I kicked my legs and pushed myself back until I hit the wall with the back of my head and spine, and that's when all eyes looked down at me.

"You okay, Styles?" I didn't know who's voice that was, but I wanted to scream that I wasn't okay. Though my mouth was too dry, my body trembling too harshly against the rough walls caving in around me.

"He's just tripping," another said.

"Oi Harry," who were all these people?

"Calm down, Harry."

"Just take deep breaths."

I shook my head vigorously and somehow the rigid movements stopped the spinning going on inside my head. I held my own hand and squeezed both of them tightly together until I felt my nails dig into the skin of my knuckles. The pain wouldn't surface, but I knew it was hurting me, I knew it would of made me scream if I was in a normal state of mind right now. I decided to just focus on the voices, trying to get back to the reality they were inside of.

"Harry, calm down!" A voice yelled. It pierced my ears and made my blood run ice cold.

I trembled in my skin as I stood up, I wasn't sure how I did it but my legs moved and my feet dragged against the wooden floors, into the bathroom across the hall way and into safety. I locked the door behind me–at least I thought I did, in my mind–the words nagged at me as I fell to the cold tiles, but I couldn't be sure. I wasn't sure of anything right now, except that my heart was beating to harshly against my chest, and my mind spun too quickly which made my stomach hurt.

Then as fear ran through my bloodstream like venom dripping into my veins, I closed my eyes and let myself pass out on the cold bathroom floor.

***

I wasn't quite sure what was going through my mind as I opened my eyes, my vision was so blurred I could only make out pieces of the bathroom I laid in. I felt anxious, and I hated the feeling of it, along with the ache inside my bones. I groaned, holding a hand to my forehead as I closed my eyes again.

It was like I was stuck inside a dream state, where reality was behind everything else inside my mind and now it was just making up everything I thought and touched.

And I thought of the girl I loved, and how perhaps she wasn't real and she didn't really love me, that my alluring thoughts and dreams of other woman somehow projected into the real world and she knew. And she left.

But when a cold hand rested against my cheek, I smiled and leaned into the embrace with my nervous thoughts growing cold.

"Harry? I'm going to move you somewhere safer and warmer okay?" A soft voice spoke, it was a little foggy inside my mind but I agreed to the request.

An arm snakes around my waist as I'm assisted to my feet, I felt uneasy and out of place but my body instinctually moved across the cold tiles and down the hall way–with the help of the arm around my body. I leaned into the frame of the person, mumbling thank you into the air around us.

I was finally able to crash my body down onto the softness of a bed, and in seconds I closed my eyes and felt more at ease as a cold hand gently caressed the hotness of my skin.

Although it felt like merely a few seconds, my body rocked back and forth for a while. That was until finally I fell asleep, my mind calming and my body relaxing.

But reality would crash down on me again soon, crushing the life inside my ribs and shattering my soul.

I was dreaming of blue eyes, petal lips. The smell of vanilla inhaling through my nose as I inhaled a deep breath, a smile faded to my lips. My eyes still looked into darkness as I felt the hovering body over my own, it get unreal to me. It was like my very own angel coming to me in a dream, her wings glowing. The ethereal images of her peachy skin and golden smile played inside my mind like a movie, keeping my anxiety levels down.

It all felt so right, even more so when the softness of her rose petal lips and cherry chapstick lingered on my mouth. Soon I finally drifted myself back inside the world of reality, but the tenderness was different now and the texture was not at all like I remembered in my dreams.

And then it sunk inside my bones, the realisation that my blue eyed girl didn't wear cherry chapstick.

My eyes shot open, Ambers face pressed to mine and her lips moved against my own, her fingers running up my jawline and into the curls of my hair. My lips pursed shut, but she kept kissing me and urging me into the softness of her chest.

I felt anger elevate inside me, the bones deep within my arms and fingers aching with the heat rising from my stomach. I grab her wrists harshly and yank her away with so much force she yelps out loudly as our lips depart.

She was confused at first, but then a smirk formed on her lips as I held her away from me. "You like it rough, huh?"

"Get off me." I was too angry in that moment, my legs involuntarily kicked Amber in the thighs and as she fell to the ground guilt bubbled inside the pit of my stomach.

But I didn't care in that moment. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Amber was scared now, her body slid across the floors as I stepped off the bed and towered over her small frame. Her eyes were faded with panic all over the creases on her face, she feared me now and I didn't know why I liked it–but I did in that angry moment.

"I-I thought you liked me," Ambers voice was timid, fragile like the mess she was on the floor. I could smell alcohol fume from the dress she wore, her eyes glassy and wide with fright.

"You're kidding right? You can't just go around kissing people," I shouted. "You're pathetic!"

"Harry?" My stomach dropped with the echoes of reality entering my mind, my fists unclenched and my jaw gritted into a fearful look as I stared at Amber. She was trembling, her face pale and fearful of the hovering man in front of her, anger dripping and burning her skin from my lips.

But when I turned, Amber became the last thing I cared about on this earth as Lola stood before me. Her eyes red, tears streaming down her once perfected face, black staining the cheeks that blotched red.

My blue eyed girl with the mended heart, standing with it dripping in her hands and shattering before her as I stepped closer.

"You kissed her?"

"She kissed me..."

"Harry," Lola's voice cracked, and so I fell to my knees in front of her.

I wanted to scream, to shout out loud that Amber used me to get her own way–that I was disgusted with my former affections for her, that I was revolted my lips touched hers. But it wasn't true, I liked it when she touched me and although my heart belonged to Lola, I liked it when she kissed me.

And that was why I was so angry.

And that was why I didn't chase after Lola that night, even she ran into the darkness I stayed inside that house feeling my entire body drain of life, while the girl I loved shattered her heart into the cement she ran on.

***

Opsies. Sorry guys, had to happen.

Also a little quick message to all my readers, with all the hate and racism and just pure crap going on right now, I urge you all to stay safe and protect those who need protecting. Good always wins, I promise.

I adore you guys, thanks so much for reading.

-A