Clint had dropped Nat and Eleanor off at the Triskelion and said goodbye, he planned to leave to go home for a few weeks immediately. Eleanor was slightly disappointed, she could do with Cooper and Lila cuddles right now, but Nat had declined the offer of going with him twice, so she didn't push it. Fury had rightfully given them a month off, starting immediately.

Eleanor was looking forward to having a month off, but she knew that it wouldn't be all sunshine and rainbows, it'd be a month of recovery, mentally and physically. Mentally she felt very worn out, they had lost people because of Loki, Coulson was gone, forever, and the battle itself was horrendous to live through. Explosions, fires, shots, blasts, screams, leviathans flying through the sky. And after everything that they had done people were still blaming them for not being able to save more of the city than they did. Eleanor was livid because she could see that it negatively affected Nat whenever they saw something about it in the media. She worked hard to wipe the red off of her ledger and hated that people were publically degrading the group even though they had all risked their lives.

Natasha in general felt similar to Eleanor, too often over the last few days had she almost lost people that she loved, and she was struggling to cope with the emotion that came along with that. The realisation that the comfortable lifestyle that she had been living was not guaranteed. Permanence is not guaranteed. She understood this when she had a life that she wanted to change, but she loved her life now, she loved the people that she got to spend it with, so she had been living in a form of denial for some time. The harsh reminder that the reality is that they can be taken away from her so easily was hard to handle. She felt unanchored.

But, they would get through this together, they had to, and they were sure of it. It would be hard but it would be done.

The pair had immediately climbed into bed when they arrived in their small residential area within headquarters, Nat insisted on being the one to hold Eleanor and not the other way around. She preferred it this way most of the time, feeling like she was able to keep her 100% safe, a very rare feeling in their line of work.

Eleanor had her head tucked into the crook of Nat's neck, one arm bent into her own body and the other draped over Nat's waist and hooking around to rest her hand just below the centre of her shoulder blades, lightly scratching knowing that Nat loved the feel of it. Nat cradled Eleanor in her arms with a tight hold, with one hand under the back of her shirt to gently rub her skin as she placed small kisses on the crown of her head. It should have been bliss, but it was merely a front. Their minds were fighting for their lives as their bodies lay comfortably.

They were both drifting in and out of consciousness but never falling asleep fully. As soon as their brains started slipping into a peaceful slumber, they briefly heard the roaring of a leviathan, the screams of terrified people, and the crashing sounds of buildings being destroyed around them. It would wake them up and make their bodies jolt as they entered fight or flight. This jolting woke up the other, if they were even asleep that is, not that they minded. When one of them jumped awake, the other would increase the grip they had on them, trying to ground them and make them feel safe.

This lasted a few hours until Natasha gave up on trying to sleep, so she just stared at the wall ahead of her instead. Eleanor had managed to drift off to sleep a few minutes prior, so she didn't dare move a muscle. Even if she couldn't sleep there was no way that she could disturb Eleanor, she would lie still forever if she had to.

Natasha stared at the wall for about five minutes before she felt Eleanor shift slightly. Her first instinct was to increase her grip, but she soon loosened slightly when she stayed asleep. Nat smiled softly and looked down at the sleeping figure, but the smile soon faded when Eleanor's body jolted forward more than it had done before, and small whimpers left her lips.

Nat's heart broke, "I know sweetheart, I know", she pushed Eleanor's face further into the crook of her neck and rubbed her back lightly again whilst whispering reassuring things into her ear as she quietly cried. Nat had to hold back her own tears, she hated seeing the woman she loved feeling so much pain, she would take all of Eleanor's away if she had the power to.

When Eleanor managed to stabilise her breathing she whispered a small "Thank you" to Nat, who just responded by kissing the top of her head.

That was just the first of many nightmares, and it would only get worse from there until it could get better. For now, they just decided to get out of bed and go and sit at the mini dining table in their room. They needed a change of scenery but didn't want to leave their little bubble.

They sat making some small talk for a while, like discussing what they would need to buy when they went shopping, and Nat insisting that she let her do it alone whilst Eleanor had that boot on.

There was quite a sudden silence though, and for the first time since the two had known each other, it wasn't a comfortable one. Eleanor shifted around in her seat slightly, and Nat had gone pretty stiff. Eleanor decided that the moment couldn't get any more awkward, so she bit the bullet and asked Nat about the Clint situation, she had been curious as to why she hadn't wanted to go to Clint's, an activity she would usually jump at. The pair visited Clint's farm at least 3-4 times a year. She wanted to approach this delicately though, unsure of whether it was just because she wanted to be at home, or if it went deeper than that.

"Can I ask you something?", she began softly, not wanting to just dive right into it and scare her off.

"Sure?", Nat looked hesitant at Eleanor being cautious.

"How come you didn't want to go to Clint's?". Nat exhaled deeply, and it was a shaky breath, which made Eleanor's eyes widen immediately, "I'm sorry, you don't have to answer, it's just that you usually love going, and I was just a bit concerned".

Nat smiled softly to show that she wasn't offended by the question or anything, she was just building up the courage to ask Eleanor something and the courage level wasn't quite at 100% yet. "No, no. It's fine. I do love going, it's just that I wanted to do something and for that, we have to be at home", she began, sounding a bit unsure of herself.

"Okay?", Eleanor didn't think that sounded too bad, but the way that Nat said it had scared her slightly.

"I was wondering", she paused, so Eleanor looked at her expectedly, "I was wondering if you wanted to get our own place in the city? I've been thinking about it for a few months. I'd love to build a home with you that's just ours, not owned by SHIELD or affiliated with organisations. But if you want to stay here I completely understand I won't be offended or anything". She had started off well, but her composure very quickly slipped and it turned into a ramble.

Eleanor just grinned at her, not understanding why she was so nervous, "Nat, you've already asked me to move in with you before we started sharing this room we're literally sitting in right now, why are you so scared?".

"I don't know, buying a place ourselves just seemed different", she shrugged.

The younger woman chuckled and nodded, "I would love to move in with you... again". Nat's eyes lit up and she shuffled her chair closer to Eleanor.

"Really?", she sounded like a kid being told that they're going to Disneyland.

"Yes, really. I can't believe you thought I'd refuse that offer, you goof", she used Nat moving closer as an opportunity to nudge her in the ribs with her elbow. Nat would have retaliated but she was hyperaware of her boot, even though it was just an ankle sprain and a nudge in the elbow wasn't going to hurt that. "So, the reason you wanted to stay is so that we can start looking for apartments?", Eleanor hazarded a guess.

"Yup, we have a month so I thought this could be perfect".

"It is perfect. You're perfect", she smiled, "I love you". Nat's eyes once again lit up.

"I love you too".

Nat cupped Eleanor's cheeks and pressed her lips against hers, gently pouring out all of their excitement about this new milestone for them. Nat was right, this was different, it was the start of a life for them outside of SHIELD.

Nat pulled away after they got out of breath and smirked, "How much exercise can you do with that thing on?", she gestured with her head to Eleanor's leg.

"Oh, a fucking marathon", Eleanor breathed out before eagerly pulling Nat back in.

---

The night had ended on a very good note, both women falling asleep tangled together under the sheets.

Unfortunately, the recent events were still plaguing their minds, Eleanor had managed to fall into a deep slumber, she was out like a light. Natasha wasn't so lucky.

~

With her eyes closed all that she could see as she slept were images of either Clint or Eleanor being hurt in the battle. She was doing everything that she could do to keep them alive, and so far it was working. Until it didn't.

She wasn't looking properly, she wasn't aware of her surroundings, only focusing on the Chitauri in front of her, completely missing the one behind her that was getting ready to put its staff through her. If only she had looked.

As the Chitauri made its move to stab, Nat turned around with wide eyes and got ready for the impact. But it never came. Instead pure panic ran through her as she watched Eleanor jump in front of her, and watched as the staff impaled her.

Suddenly all of the Chitauri vanished, and Nat was left alone as she watched her girlfriend drop to the floor clutching her chest. "No, no, no, no", Nat breathed out as she dropped to her knees next to her, cradling her frail frame. "Please don't go, you'll be okay", Nat sobbed as she tucked stray hairs behind Eleanor's ear.

"You'll be okay, don't leave me, you can't leave me". Eleanor shakily grabbed Natasha's hand, "It's okay", she managed to get out in a whisper. How would this be okay?

"No, don't", Nat choked out as she watched Eleanor's eyes droop shut. She started shaking the body in her arms whilst repeating "Wake up", over and over, until she realised that she wasn't going to wake up. If only she had looked.

She let out the most gut-wrenching scream as her world came crashing down.

~

In the land of the living, Eleanor had woken up when she felt Natasha shaking in her sleep. She tried to wake her up but it wasn't working, she was getting extremely concerned. Eleanor had health with the occasional nightmare from Nat before, a souvenir from the Red Room, but she had never struggled to wake her up before.

A minute passed and she was still unable to wake her, she didn't know what to do. But then Nat suddenly awake with a short, dry scream, whilst fighting to catch her breath as she shot up. Eleanor instantly started rubbing her back and saying reassurances, Nat usually liked this, but it was almost as though she couldn't hear Eleanor at all. She just kept staring down at her hands that she had thought were covered in her girlfriend's blood just a few seconds prior.

Then something in her mind clicked, she needed to find Eleanor, so she started looking frantically around the room in front of her, "El?", she croaked out in between a sob.

"Baby I'm right here, come back to me it's okay, you're okay", she moved in front of Nat to try and be in her eyeline. Nat immediately lurched forward and clung onto Eleanor whilst hyperventilating when she spotted her.

"Nat I need you to breathe okay, you're safe, I'm safe". Nat just continued with ragged breaths. "We're in bed, we're in our room, we're back in D.C., we're home, we're safe", she repeated this sentence about five times over before Nat's breathing started to regular again.

"We're home?", Nat said in a small voice so vulnerable that Eleanor couldn't help but hold onto her tighter.

"Yeah bub, we're home, we're home". Nat lifted her head off of Eleanor's chest to look at her, making sure that it was really her now that her mind didn't have control.

"I couldn't save you", Nat looked extremely guilty, which made Eleanor frown.

"It was a bad nightmare, it wasn't real, I'm here with you, okay?".

Nat just shook her head, "I wasn't paying attention, if I just turned around sooner... it was supposed to be me, but you jumped in front of me! You took it and there was nothing that I could do, you had to go, you left me". Tears were streaming down her cheeks during her explanation.

"It was a nightmare, I'm here, I didn't go".

"No, but that is exactly something that you would do in that situation which scares the shit out of me, I can try so hard to keep you safe but you would always take the hit for me if you were able to and I can't control that, and that scares me so much El because you can't do that, you can't die. You already tried to take the hit twice on the helicarrier with Bruce. Twice, El!".

"You'd do it for me too, and that scares me as well. We just have to hope that we never have to live through a situation like that again, yeah? We can't live the rest of our lives scared over a maybe, I want to live my life with you feeling nothing but joy, and love... and frustration when you steal my food", she smirked which made Nat give a teary chuckle. Eleanor could always make Nat laugh even if the situation felt as though all hope was lost. "But most importantly, I want you to feel all those things too because you deserve it. I'm never letting you go, Nat, it's me and you forever and always, you got that?".

"Forever and always", Nat repeated. "Thank you".

Eleanor smiled at her and placed a lingering kiss on her forehead. "Now, do you want to try and sleep or do you want to do something else?".

They both looked at the clock on their bedside table and saw that it was 4:30 am. Nat was scared to go back to sleep and didn't think that she would be able to anyway, but didn't want to disturb Eleanor if she was going to be able to back to sleep again.

Eleanor sensed the internal battle, knowing that Nat wasn't going to sleep. "It's almost 5, we'll stay up, yeah?". Nat sheepishly smiled and sat against the headboard as Eleanor grabbed the TV remote to stick on a random, crappy comedy that they had recorded.

When Eleanor placed herself next to her girlfriend, Nat placed her head on Eleanor's chest and lay one of her legs over her lap wanting to curl into her, something that she did when she was feeling especially vulnerable, sometimes she liked to be held too. This prompted the younger woman to wrap her arms around her and hold her tightly.

Eleanor didn't pay attention to the movie at all, she spent the time looking down at Nat smiling, admiring her. The love that she felt was immeasurable, and she would protect this woman with her life, whatever it takes. Whether it be from an alien attack, or her own mind.