Daughter reader - 17

- (a/n- I'm having a crisis I'm writing from the heart. I've decided i need to disappear)

- tw: alcohol (social drinking tho)

Your pov:

I was going to my best friend of 6 years belated birthday gathering, we were going to the beach to do a BBQ with a couple old friends from secondary school and some new friends she has at college.

Now for my birthday, I hate making a big deal of it, so I didn't have a get together and I didn't receive a card or present from her so I assumed we just weren't doing that because with many other friends we just have mutual agreements yanno.

However I brought food and drinks to share etc.

I finally got reunited after a year with my friend Emily and we have the same birthday and were always good drinking buddies so we already messaged about sharing a bottle etc. We knew a couple others were drinking and we were planning on getting drunk just socially drinking to lift the vibes up.

One thing about Emily and I we are lightweights so it wasn't long until we were tipsy and I had put Taylor swift on and I was just chatting with my best friend Rose and it was just great. My other friends were there it was going great.

A couple of the girls I'd met once or twice but I got the idea that they weren't a fan of me and that's ok I'll be nice to them, not everyone has to like me.

Or that's what I like to tell myself, and Jamie had confirmed that they didn't like me so it was just getting a lot.

So we are all having a good time chilling out and then two of the girls and rose go for a "talk". It just seems so year 8 and my friend Delilah just rolled her eyes as of to say seriously we are doing this now.

I just knew they were talking about me, I just knew it and it hurt because I know Rose just wasn't a fan of the fact I was having fun with other people and not staying sober, but I am my own person and I'm allowed to make my own decisions.

She encouraged people to even bring drinks along if they wanted to.

Del: " you ok?"

You: " yeh just finding it very high school idk what's going on yanno"

Em: " do u wanna go to the shops cos the bbq food looks shit"

So off we went to the shops and brought some food because we were both starving and needed to sober up.

The rest of the day/ evening went on and we were all kind of getting ready to go because it was all feeling really tense and rose just kept pulling people away for chats, Delilah and Jamie and I just wanted to go home.

We all carry on talking and I ask about this mystery guy that my friend keeps talking about and she goes all quiet. I joke and go it's not "George" because it's a long time joke we have had. She denies and then other people start making guesses and we all give up and just want to know what he looks like, what he says to her and all the little details. She gave in and when I guess this guy Josh's name off be real she immediately unadded everyone.

Rosie: " Lauren can we go on the beach"

They disappear off and she then adds me back, we are all hella confused because she's being so up and down.

You: " my moms here I'm going to go"

I say goodbye to everyone and rush to the car because I haven't seen my mom in months because of a mission. We are close but have quite a lot of ups and downs but that's every relationship a teenage girl has.

Nat: " how was it"

You: " it was alright I got to see Emily again"

Nat: " fringe Emily?"

You: " yes that's good I always liked her"

We drive in mostly silence on the way home as she knows my social battery is drained and knows it's important for me to chill out.

Nat: " why don't you go have a shower you stink of that bbq"

You: " that was my plan"

I walk off upstairs and have a long overdue shower. As soon as I step in I immediately burst into tears, they don't stop after my shower, they only stopped when mom came in to give me a tea.

Nat: " I brought you a tea?"

You: " thank you so much mama"

As soon as she left I began again, I turned off all social media stuff and just laid there having a nap in my wet towel.

I know it's been a bad day when this happens, I just felt like I have to be a certain way around people in order for them to like me. I want people to like me, i can change every version about me to fit in. I'm scared of rejection and today felt like that. It felt like a slap in the face from myself, why can't i just be normal and just be myself. Except I have no idea who that is but recently after all the parties etc all I want to do is be on my own, I have been deeply enjoying my own company.

I'm getting dressed and my phone starts to ring and it's my long distance best friend Isobel. We are eachother therapists, we have a great time when we meet about once a year and we FaceTime alot and send videos about our days. We don't care if the other listens but we always know that it's there if we need.

Isobel: " how was it"

You: " alright"

Isobel: " just let the tears out and tell me another time what happened. Just focus on telling me how you feel"

You: " I feel like a mirrorball, I feel like I can never be myself because no one will like her. I try to put on a bubbly front to these people as I want them to think I'm doing well in life but it's exhausting. And when I break it's into a million pieces. I'm still trying everything to get them laughing at me, I'm still a believer but I don't know why, I've never been a natural all I do is try"

Isobel: " you have been going to social occasion to holidays to social occasions to work to volunteering. You haven't given yourself a break for the last 2 months of summer. Take some time, give yourself time to think for yourself so your brain can stop being in fight or flight 24 hours a day. I love you and I'm here. But your amazing y/n Romanoff, don't forget it"

The call ends and my door creaks open and it's my mom.

Nats pov:

Nat: " I heard. Now I know you probs won't want to talk but how about we cuddle up and you can sleep"

You: " are you sure mama, don't you have mission reports"

Nat: "they can wait, you are more important. I know how you are, I know you're exhausted. So just chill and relax and sleep. I love you so much my little bug but you are perfect just as you are, whoever is really your friend will accept you for every version. I know I do."

You: " can I tell you what happened"

She tells me everything and safe to say I'm shocked by rose. I thought she had grown up by now but clearly not, and stuff like this she knows hurts y/n and always heightens y/n's anxiety.

Nat: " go to sleep baby and shut your mind off"

I stroke through her hair with my fingers and she slowly starts to fall asleep. I can't bare to see her cry, she may be a mirrorball but she's shining beautiful.

A/n- vent post idek. I feel like I'm being toxic and a bad friend but idk. Please help form opinions because I spent the last 4 hours crying for no reason the tears just wouldn't stop.