I pull into my apartment complex an hour later and park in an empty parking spot. I get out of my car but don't bother grabbing my stuff. I don't need it. I just need to see Nate, but first I need to talk to Mia and let her know that I'm okay. Once she sees that I'm fine, I'll go talk to Nate and if we're meant to be together everything will work out in the end. And if it's not...well, I refuse to think about that right now.

I make my way towards my apartment with my head down, not wanting to draw attention to myself, but notice something strange out of the corner of my eye and look up to see Nate sitting outside my apartment. He's hunched over and so lost in thought, he doesn't even notice that I'm slowly approaching. I swallow back nervously and feel my heart beat steadily faster as I get closer and closer to him.

I take in the disheveled sight he makes and feel sorry for him. He looks like an utter mess. His beard is unkempt and starting to grow in thick, his T-shirt is wrinkled and I have a feeling his jeans are no better off. In the entire time, I have known him, I have never seen him this disheveled. He's falling apart both figuratively and literally. The worst part is that if my dad is right, it's all my fault. I have no one to blame but myself. Just the thought alone makes my palms sweat and my stomach churn, but for once, I hope I'm wrong. If I am, I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to Nate.

I clench my sweaty hands into fists when a wave of nausea hits me. I close my eyes for a second hoping the nausea subsides, but it doesn't. It hits me full force and makes me feel like I want to throw up. I ignore it and keep walking forward. I can't stop now. I will not let my nerves defeat me.

You got this, I tell myself mentally as I continue walking.

I feel the urge to throw up again and squeeze my eyes shut.

Please don't let me throw up, I beg silently. I will be mortified if I do.

You have to keep it together, I tell myself over and over again until I am standing a few feet in front of Nate.

"Nate," I whisper and he slowly lifts his head until he meets my gaze.

His blue eyes are glazed over and devoid of any emotion. It's so unlike him. He looks tired and like he hasn't slept in days. His eyes are bloodshot and he has bags under his eyes. I don't have to ask him to know that he hasn't been sleeping well. Perhaps he isn't even sleeping at all. I wouldn't be surprised if that's the case. He looks worse for wear. I hate seeing him like this. This is not my Nate. This is a shell of the man I loved.

Love, I remind myself. Despite what happened, I still love him. Always have, always will.

"Alexa, you came back," he responds relieved and I nod as I drop to my knees in front of him. "I was afraid you wouldn't come back."

"I had to. I missed you," I admit sheepishly.

"I missed you too," he says with a small smile. "I'm sorry about what I said the other night. I never should have said what I did. I'm sorry that I hurt you," he apologizes with so much sincerity I know he means every word of it. "I would never intentionally hurt you, Alexa. You know that, right?"

I nod. "Of course I do, Nate."

"I promise it won't ever happen again."

"I know, Nate. You don't have to apologize," I tell him with a reassuring smile, but I can tell something's wrong, and it's only a matter of time before he tells me exactly what's on his mind. "So how are you?" I ask him in an attempt to change the subject and immediately regret it because it's obvious he's not okay, but I had to go and open my big fat mouth. He laughs humorlessly but doesn't bother responding. "Sorry, I shouldn't have asked that," I apologize.

He stays quiet and looks at me with so much sadness in his eyes, he makes me want to cry.

"How do you expect me to be?" he says with a hint of anger.

"I don't know. I'm just trying to make conversation here. This isn't how I expected things to play out."

"What were you expecting? For me to pull you into my arms and beg you for forgiveness? I'm not the one who ran away. You did. You didn't even give me a chance to explain," he exclaims.

"I know and I'm sorry, but I'm here now."

"Sorry doesn't cut it. You should have trusted me," he bites out angrily and he has every right to be angry with me.

"I know. I'm sorry I didn't."

"There you go apologizing again."

"What else am I supposed to do, Nate?! Beg you on my knees? Tell me what you want and I will do it," I say frustrated and he shakes his head.

"I would never ask that of you. All I've ever asked you is to trust me, but you couldn't even do that one simple thing."

"I know I fucked up, but I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

"That's not good enough," he says upset and sighs in frustration. "You can't come back and expect everything to be okay between us."

"Then why are you here, sitting outside my apartment? I didn't tell you to wait for me. Yet I found you here, looking miserable as can be."

"That's because I am miserable! I have been ever since you left!" he yells angrily.

"And what, you think I'm not miserable? I've missed you day in and day out since I left but I came back because I want to make things right. What about you? What do you want? Tell me! Why are you here, Nate? Are you here to refuse every apology I give you or do you want to try and mend what's broken between us?"

"I'm here because we need to talk," he tells me and my heart immediately sinks. Nothing good ever comes of those words.

"Okay, let's talk," I respond with more composure than I actually feel.

He grabs my hands in his and looks me directly in the eyes. "There's no easy way to say this," he starts and I wait with bated breath for him to continue, but he takes a long pause and looks down at my hands for a good minute or so before raising his head to meet my gaze.

I beg him silently to continue but he remains quiet and simply looks into my eyes with the pair of baby blues I love so damn much. I give his hands a gentle squeeze and he smiles but it quickly falls from his face, taking every last bit of composure I have with it.

"Nate, please say something," I whisper and he opens his mouth to speak but can't find the words. "Nate, please. I'm begging you," I choke out.

"We...," he starts and groans in frustration. "Fuck! How do I say this?" he says frustrated, taking me back to the day he told me he liked me in his apartment. I remember like it was yesterday, but I don't think this day is going to end anything like that day when I ran away from his apartment after he confessed his feelings to me. I was so flustered by his words, I even left my shoes behind in my haste.

The memory brings a smile to my face but when I look up at Nate, my smile falls from my lips.

"Just say it, please," I plead desperately and he expels a loud breath before running his hands through his hair in frustration.

"Fuck, I don't want to hurt you," he mutters quietly to himself, but I hear every word of it.

I close my eyes and feel the nausea return full force and sit down, so I can tuck my head between my knees. I break out into cold sweat and hear a low ringing start in my ears and curse silently.

"Alexa, are you okay?" Nate asks me with concern in his voice and I nod, but it's a huge lie. I feel far from okay. I know myself well. I am moments away from fainting. If I'm not careful, I'm going to faint right here and now, and that's the last thing I need. I don't want Nate to have to look after me. Not like this. "Alexa, look at me," he demands.

I clench my fists where they rest at my sides and open my eyes before slowly lifting my head to look at him.

"You look like you're going to be sick," he comments and reaches out to touch my forehead but I pull away, refusing to let him put his hands on me. He looks hurt by my actions, but I can't let him get close to me when I know he's moments away from breaking my heart.

"I'm fine," I lie again and rest my chin on my knees. "Just say whatever it is you need to say," I bite out angrily and he looks at me with remorse in his eyes. I close my eyes for a second and wait for the cold sweat to pass before opening my eyes again, and whatever remorse had been there is gone. His eyes are back to the emotionless state they had been in when I first looked into his eyes today. "For God's sake, please stop dragging this out, Nate."

"We need to break up," he finally blurts out and I just feel my heart drop to the pit of my stomach.

"Break up..." I repeat shocked like repeating what he said is going to change anything.

"It's for the best," he says with finality and I shake my head in disbelief.

"So that's it?" I ask full of hurt and anger, not believing he's giving up on us so easily. Did the past few months mean nothing to him? I thought what we had was worth fighting for, but clearly, he doesn't.

"Yes."

"I can't believe you're giving up on us just like that," I respond in disbelief and stand up. He quickly follows after me, refusing to let me stand over him.

I sway on my feet and he reaches out to steady me. I push his hand away, and he pulls it back to his side like I burned him. I don't let it phase me, not when he just hurt me the way he did.

"I can't be with you when you don't trust me," he says and I scoff.

"You knew going into this relationship that I was insecure and that those insecurities weren't just going to go away. I wake up every single day full of insecurities and doubts, but ever since you came into my life, it has gotten easier to fight my demons, but they're still there, waiting for doubt to seep in and when it does, I'm going to screw up. I'm not perfect, Nate. I'm only human."

"I know that Alexa but I can't have you getting upset every time clients come to my place to have their pictures taken."

"So that's what that woman was doing at your place?"

"Yes, and when you saw her she was just saying goodbye to me."

"Just goodbye?! Are you kidding me?! Don't you dare come here and lie to my face. I saw her kiss you on the lips."

"I'm not going to lie to you. You're right. That woman did kiss me on the lips and it was wrong. She should have never done what she did, but I can reassure you she never will do that again."

"But...," I start and he cuts me off.

"Let me finish explaining," he tells me and I reluctantly agree. "After she kissed me, I made it clear to her that I will never work with her again, not after the stunt she pulled."

"Shit," I whisper.

"Shit is right," he says with a small smile that is gone before I even have a chance to really take it in. "If you had stuck around just a few seconds longer you would have seen me reject her. I don't want anything to do with her or any client I photograph. But you let your insecurities get the best of you and ran off before you could even see things for what they really were. But what hurts me the most isn't that you ran off and didn't let me explain, it's the fact that you thought I cheated on you. I would never cheat on you, Alexa. Not even if my life depended on it. I would never betray the person I love no matter the circumstances," he tells me and my heart plummets because what I did with Johnny was exactly that, cheating.

"I never should have doubted you but when I saw her, I couldn't help but compare myself to her. She's everything I'll never be. I wish so much I could have an amazing body like hers, but no matter how hard I wish, it will never happen. I will always be plus sized and will never have curves like hers."

"You don't need to. You're perfect as you are," he tells me and I stop him.

"Let me finish," I plead. "After many years, I have finally come to terms with the fact that I'll never be like everyone else, but that will never stop me from comparing myself to others because it's hard to feel like I'm enough when all people have ever done is point out my flaws. I struggle every single day to love the body that I was given, but I'm trying. I'm trying so fucking hard, Nate. You don't even know just how hard I have worked to be where I am today, but I'm proud of how far I've come, and I'll be the first to admit that I still have a long way to go, but I'm not giving up," I say, feeling determined.

"I'm doing everything I can to love myself as I am and am almost there, but not quite yet, so I'm sorry if I let my doubt and insecurities get the best of me, but this is just who I am. If you truly love me, you will learn to accept this part of me, but I'll understand if you can't because I know it's not easy to love someone as damaged as me."

"Alexa, stop comparing yourself to everyone. No two people are alike. You need to understand that and stop wanting to be like everyone else. But more importantly, you need to learn to love what you have, because that's what makes you who you are, and who you are is absolutely perfect." I open my mouth to protest but he stops me. "You may not see it now, but someday you will, and when you do you will realize you are absolutely beautiful."

I feel my eyes water and blink my tears away, refusing to let them fall.

"Any guy would be lucky to have you," he adds, killing the small moment we had.

"Any guy but you, right?" I question him and he sighs.

"Don't do this to yourself," he tells me, reminding me of the very thing I had said to Johnny not too long ago when he kissed me against my will. I didn't initiate the kiss, but I'm just as guilty as Johnny because I didn't stop him either. Nate is not going to react well when I tell him, but he deserves to know the truth even if it means losing him forever.

"I'm just asking for honesty. That's all."

"You want honesty?"

"Yes." I want the truth, even if it kills me to hear it.

"Fine. I can't be with you anymore, Alexa. These last two days have been hell, and I just need time to think, to process everything that has happened between us," he says and I feel tears form at the corner of my eyes. I hate that there's nothing I can do to stop what's happening between us.

"I can give you space if that's what you need."

"This is about more than just space. This is about me figuring out if I truly want a future with you."

"I don't need to cut ties to know what I want. I want to be with you more than anything, Nate."

"I thought I did too, but now I'm not so sure I do," he tells me, making me feel like I have been punched in the gut.

"So what? Is everything you ever told me a lie?"

"No, I meant it. All of it. But in my line of work, it's hard to be with someone who gets jealous over the smallest things. I can't afford to be worrying about our relationship just because you're jealous of one of my clients."

"It happened one time," I exclaim frustrated and he shakes his head.

"It's happened twice," he reminds me and I sigh cursing the girl from the fair who jumped on him. "Either way, it doesn't make a difference. It happened and that's what brought us to this moment. If you had just trusted me, we wouldn't be here."

"I know that. You don't have to keep reminding me how bad I screwed up. I'm well aware that I fucked up and I'm sorry I doubted you, but you easily could have told me what you were going to be doing at your apartment that day. If you had just told me from the beginning, this all could have been avoided."

"Could it really? Would the idea of another woman in my apartment not have made you jealous?" he asks me and I shake my head.

"No. Yes. I don't know. Maybe. But it's different when it's for work," I respond frustrated.

"I didn't tell you because I knew how you would react."

"And look how things turned out anyway."

"Don't pin this on me. I'm not the one who jumped to conclusions and ran into the arms of my friend," he says, putting emphasis on 'friend.'

"That's not fair, Nate."

"You mean just like it wasn't fair that you jumped to conclusions about me."

"Yes and again, I'm sorry about that," I reiterate. "How many times do I have to apologize? I'm sorry, okay!"

"I'm tired of hearing your apologies, Alexa. They don't change what you did or the fact that you don't trust me."

"If you really feel that way, why are you still here? You told me you'd never hurt me, yet here you are, breaking my heart. Why don't you just rip it out of my chest and step all over it once and for all? It's obvious you don't care about me anymore, so have at it. Rip my heart to bits and pieces! I don't care anymore!" I yell as angry tears burst from my eyes.

Nate pulls me into his chest but I push him away forcefully. "Don't you dare touch me! I'm not yours to touch anymore. You lost that privilege when you broke up with me!" I yell at him as I wipe at my traitorous tears.

"Fine. If that's what you want," he responds solemnly and steps back, putting distance between us.

"It's not what I want. This is what you want," I remind him. "You chose to end what we had, so don't try and console me now. You have no right. Not when you did this to me. To us," I bite out angrily and I only hope that he never feels the amount of pain I feel in this moment because this...this is without a doubt the most painful thing I have ever endured in all my years of existence.

"Just go," I plead as more tears fall down my cheeks.

He gives me one long last look before turning and walking away. I cover my mouth with my hand just as a sob racks my body and close my eyes, letting the tears fall freely as the first and only man I ever loved walks away from me. I always knew the day would come when I would have my heart broken, but nothing could have prepared me for the heartache.

My heart is completely and utterly broken, but somehow, despite all the pain it has endured, it's still going strong and beating hard against my chest, reminding me that I'm still alive. But not even that small reminder is enough to make me forget about the pain I feel because this pain is far worse than anything I have ever felt. The way my heart aches hurts me deeply.

I finally had let down my walls and let someone in only to be let down.

I trusted Nate with my heart and he ripped it to shreds and pieces without any remorse, but what hurts me more than anything is that he gave up so easily on us as if what we had never mattered to him. I truly thought he loved me, but I realize now that it was all just a lie. If he truly loved me like he said he did, he would have fought for me, but he didn't and that's what hurts the most.

I can't put all the blame on him though, because I'm the one who let him in. If I had just kept my walls up and pushed him away from the very beginning, I would not be here, crying outside my apartment over a guy who doesn't even care about me. He doesn't deserve my tears, yet I can't stop crying over him and the gaping hole he left in my heart. Nothing will ever begin to fill that hole. It belongs to him, my first love, who is now gone, and I only have myself to blame.

I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me, and there's nothing I can do about it.