《Stay With Me Always》Twenty Two
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We went to our coffee cart guy and brought ourselves coffee before starting the 'walk'. We talked about our day, work, parents, all generic stuff. I was aware Liam wanted me to tell him what was bothering me but I didn't feel ready.
"I've been in the hospital since four this morning." Liam said.
"One of patient had to undergo surgery. He's seven years old and he had to go through a complicated surgery. I'm not even a surgeon yet I couldn't sleep thinking the last thing he asked me before I told him about the surgery and complicated it could be. He said 'do you I'll always be grateful for this second chance?'. It hit me, a seven year old kid afraid that he's going to take life for granted, some days we don't even appreciate breathing." I saw Liam in deep thoughts. It one of the things that makes him a great doctor, he connects with his patients on a level that it is admiring.
"Is he okay? Your patient."
"Yeah, he's great. Doing really well. My point is, you got your second chance, you gotta make full of it"
I smiled and nodded. We both walked silently for a while before we spot a park and sat on the bench. Liam decided to feed the pigeons. It was nice.
"I saw my brother in law- my ex brother in law" I finally told him. I finally admitted to myself as well.
"What? Where?"
"This weekend. At a club. I was there."
"You went to a club? With whom?"
"David"
"David, David? My architect, David?"
"Yes, that one"
"Was it a date? Are you guys together?"
"What, no. It wasn't like that. He.. he is persistent. It was not a date. I can't date him" I blushed saying that, I don't understand why.
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"Why? He's a nice guy and he's easy on the eyes too. You clearly have a thing for him. Why are you pushing him away?"
"I don't have a thing for him"
"You're blushing. I haven't seen you blushing, in forever. Do you feelings for him?"
"He's sweet, irritating but in general nice. He really bothers me and pushes all my buttons but some days he just amuse in way I didn't know existed. He doesn't look at me with pity or sadness. I don't know.. it feels strange and exciting to be around him. I can't describe it entirely or name what I feel because I'm conflicted too but it is something I can't seem to shake it off."
This would be the first time I've said these things out loud.
"Then why not date him? You're clearly into him"
"I'm not" I frowned
"Oh you're lying now. You're so into him. It is evident but what I'm asking is why not pursue the feelings?"
I sighed "I can't go through it again. I fell in love and got my heart broken and that was awful. I gave all I had into my last relationship and all I'm left with is this big void in my heart. I'm protecting myself, also I'm protecting him. He doesn't deserve the darkness that I feel inside me. He deserves someone who can give him happy ending, that ain't me."
"You're scared which is understandable considering but you went through fire and came out the other side. You're stronger than you were before. I get it, you've been on your own for the longest time but you don't have if you have a choice." He slipped his coffee. I looked at the silent park, it was nice. It was strange but it was the same park I met David years ago. I didn't notice but now that I do, it feels like life has come a full circle.
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"But what if he's not the right person? What if I'm not just a person who falls in love anymore. I can't hurt him. It still haunts me. My past, my memories, my mistakes, everything. I know I'm supposed to be grateful and some days, I'm but other days I feel I can't have that love, the passion, the feeling back ever again. I some days feel, love is not for me anymore."
He smiled and turned to me. He put his arm around me and pulled me closer.
"With all it's messiness and complications, love is worth believing. You should, under no circumstances cease to believe that you're not meant for love. You're capable of love and deserving of it, you just gotta believe it. Maybe this thing with David could turn into something real, If not, you'll always remember him as a good memory. We can never grow out of making good memories for ourselves."
I nodded. To some extent Liam was right but knowing he is right and actually doing something about it are two different things. I can keep telling myself again and again how I should do better but it won't be real until I just let go and do it.
"You see that tree" he pointed at the big tree with the big trunk. I nodded "that's where I had my first kiss"
"This is like twenty minutes from our house. Why did you come this far?"
"Oh I was thirteen and it was with Tracy Spencer. She was worried someone might see us."
"She used to live behind our house."
"Yeah.. man, I had no idea what I was doing or why I wanted to do it so badly but it was big achievement. I felt like a man that day. Those were the days" Liam chuckled.
That's the thing about memories, you reminisce them when they're good but when you're trying to erase the bad ones, they haunt you. You're supposed to make tons of good memories so they can overshadow the bad ones.
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