《Stay With Me Always》Nine
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She slammed the door as she left. I stood there but all I wanted to do was run to her and hold her again. I wanted to tell her that it is okay, repeatedly, until she could believe me. Some kind of sadness, it never leaves us. You can always see the glimpse of it. I saw it today, so clearly that it broke my heart.
A part of me wished none of this had happened because then I would've been able to move on but now I can't. I saw the vulnerability, the fear, the pain that she feels and I want to do something to take it all away. Make life a little easier for her. I wanna trace those tears and make them all go away.
I was so conflicted as to what I felt for her, or why I felt for her. She's delicate, she can't trust anybody, she's complicated. Everything I don't want in my life but still, here I was, wanting to be with her. I wanted to comfort her, hold her. I liked how she fit into my arms. I loved the way she held me for support. I didn't want to go this road, I could see it won't be easy. She's so fragile but how am I supposed to stop myself?
And now she was gone and all I could think of are things I could've said. Things I could've done. I wanted her to know I'm here for her. I opened the door and stood in the hallway debating whether I should go or not. I didn't want to scare her or give her any reason to think I'm creep but I also wanted to check on her.
I wanted to make her happy. I was willing to risk everything I can, just to see her little smile. I've never wanted to do that before. I've never felt something strong enough or important enough to put everything on line but she drives me crazy. Everything about her makes me want to scratch my head and figure out.
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She bothers me so much. The way she can't hold my gaze or how she becomes quiet all of a sudden, or how much she hates it when I smirk. Everything I do pisses her off yet I can't seem to take the hint. I like pissing her off, I love to see her frown and sigh in defeat. Sometimes I can't stand her, but I still want to be around her. This feeling is so confusing that I myself had no idea what to do.
I saw the door to Ashley's home open. I walked upto it and opened it completely. I saw her sitting on the floor, with her knees held tightly to her chest. She wasn't crying, or shaking. She was just staring, straight into the oblivion. She wasn't moving. She was just sitting, thinking and scaring me.
I closed the door behind me and sat down next to her. I didn't say anything. I just sat there beside her. After a while she slowly let go of her knees and put her head on my shoulder.
I didn't move or make any noise. I didn't want to scare her away. I made sure to make no sudden moves. I wanted her to be as comfortable as she wants.
"You don't have to solve your whole life overnight. You don't have to feel okay in one day. As much as it hurts right now- you'll be happy soon and you'll have a sense of stability soon." I whispered to her. I had so much more to say but I didn't think that it was the to say it all. Right now she just needed the assurance of the present. She's strong enough to figure out the rest later and if she does need help, I'll try to be there, if she allows me.
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"Could you stay with me?" She asked, I could sense the uncertainty in her voice. I also knew how difficult it was for her say this out loud. I nodded and both of us got up.
We went to her bedroom and I waited for her to lie down. She took the left side and curled. I laid down on the right side of her bed.
Our bodies weren't touching, actually there was a significant distance between us. I wanted to be there for her but I also wanted her to feel comfortable. I didn't want to anything inappropriate to make this situation worst. I wanted her to know she can trust me.
I listened to her breath as she quietly fell asleep. I looked at her after she was asleep, she looked so peaceful. You can't tell that this was the same woman who was in so much pain a few hours ago. A smiled escaped from my lips as I saw her peaceful face before drifting off to sleep myself.
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