WARNING: Mentions of, , and . If these things trigger you then I wouldn't read this chapter. At the bottom I will give a brief overview of what happened without the details so the next few chapters make sense.

Y/N's POV

I woke up again at 3am. My sleep schedule has gotten better since I have been with Nat, mainly because she wakes up every time I does and won't sleep until I do. The last few nights though I have been waking up earlier and earlier and Nat has gotten used to it and so doesn't wake up so often. Today was one of those days. I got up out of bed and got changed into my training clothes. I wore a loose grey t-shirt, black sports leggings, a long sleeved hoodie over my top and a pair of dark blue trainers. I thew my hair up into a high ponytail and walked into the kitchen, to grab myself a drink. I also filled up my water bottle before taking it with me into the gym.

I needed to clear my head. A lot had happened the last few days and I needed some time to process it all. Me and Nat were now dating, which was great. Me and Wanda were still good friends. Pietro had been shot. We went on a mission to Hydra, which had brought back some memories but I have been shutting them out by focusing on work. They come back for me when I am sleeping though, that's probably why I have been waking up so much. My head is just really busy with thoughts and feelings and I don't know how to deal with them because there are just so many, so I just do what I usually do. I train. I am the first one up and the last to leave. I will train an hour longer than the last person to leave. Training helps me, as I focus on just one thing at a time. Punching, sparring, running, whatever it is.

I pulled on my boxing gloves and walked over to the bag, pushing my forehead against it to feel the cool leather. I pulled back and began to swing at it. Jabbing and ducking. Kicking and elbowing the bag as though I was fighting a real person. My punches got quicker and quicker as thoughts of hydra began to course through my mind. Images of me and Bucky. Punch, punch, kick. Side by side as we murdered innocents. Punch, duck, punch. Memories of my cell. Kick, kick, punch. The dreaded table they would strap me to for experiments. Punch, punch, punch. My punishments for failing a mission. Kick, duck, duck. Mine and Bucky's screams that ran through the cell block. Punch, kick, punch. The grin on the scientists faces as they made a breakthrough on their experiments. Punch, punch, PUNCH! The bag exploded and a cloud of dust and sand flew into the air. I sighed and took the bag off of the hook before grabbing another one from the floor nearby and attaching it to the hook on the ceiling.

I looked at the clock 4am. The others wouldn't be up for an hour or two at the earliest so I decided to take my hoodie off as I was too hot. I raised my fists to punch again but the angry red lines on my arms caught my eye. I took off one of my gloves and ran my fingers over the cuts, fresh from the previous morning. I started gently at first, testing how badly they hurt. Once I knew which ones hurt I would poke them and pick at them. I wanted to feel the pain, I wanted them to scar. It helps, thats all I know. I know it is bad, but it helps me more than anything else ever has. I ran my nails up and down the front of my arm, making all my cuts bleed before turning my arm over and doing the same to the other side. I liked feeling the blood run down my arm, it was cold and refreshing. There was something calming about the colour red and seeing it pool at my feet. I grabbed a towel and wiped the floor of my blood so the others wouldn't ask questions. I dabbed at my arm, soaking up the excess blood and jogged over to the treadmill, leaving my jacket on the boxing bag, next to my gloves..

I grabbed my headphones and connected them to the bluetooth speakers in the room. I turned the music up loud, to block out my thoughts and began to run. All I focused on was the beat of the music and the lyrics to the songs. Most would have called my music sad, I called it realistic. Just because the words don't sugar coat reality, it doesn't make them 'depressing'. I related to all the songs on my playlist. My favourites at the moment were, 'Baby don't cut' and 'Alone', I liked the words and the melodies of both. I was in my zone, running so hard that I could hardly breathe, but I kept going. I wanted to push myself, to make my body work past it's breaking points, knowing it would hurt later. I pushed myself to run for around 45 minutes at a fairly intense rate. I slowed down to a jog for the last 15 minutes, allowing my body to cool down. It was now 5 am, some of the other's might be up but I needed to be sure. "Jarvis, is anybody else awake yet?" I asked the AI after pausing my playlist.

"No, y/n, everybody is still asleep, would you like me to call someone?" He replied.

"No, that is fine, thank you." I told him.

I turned my music back on and walked over to the pull up bar. I wasn't very good at pull up's. I could manage maybe 5 or 6 decent ones before being too tired. Today I decided to do 7 good ones. I put a stool beneath the bar and stood on it, allowing me to reach the bar. I grabbed hold and kicked the stool out from under me. After re-adjusting my grip I pulled myself up. I got to about 6 full ups before my shoulders were telling me to stop. I didn't. I kept going until I had done 13 complete pull ups. I dropped, arms shaking slightly and grinned at myself. I took a swig from my water bottle and turned my music off, replacing my headphones. I grabbed my jacket from the boxing bag and put it back on, covering my arms.

I walked into the room where the security footage was recorded and logged in, deleting the last hour and a half. I didn't need anybody knowing about my cuts. I finished and decided to take a shower, so that I wouldn't smell too bad, for the rest of the day. I walked into my room and saw that Nat was still asleep. I grabbed a towel and a fresh pair of clothes before getting into the shower. I washed my hair and body, allowing the hot water to burn my skin and sting my cuts. It hurt but I welcomed the pain like an old friend. "Babe?" I heard Nat call out.

Shit, I thought to myself. "Uh just a sec babe." I called back. I stepped out of the shower and wrapped the towel around myself as well as putting on a bathrobe so that my arms were hidden. She walked in just a second later. "You didn't need to get out on my account, I was wondering if I could join you?" She asked, smirking slightly.

I shook my head, apologetically. "I cant babe, got to get breakfast and go train." I kissed her on the cheek before walking out into the bedroom as she got in the shower. I got changed quickly, unsure when she would return and headed downstairs.

***

Steve and Tony were already in the kitchen. Me and Tony would often have late night conversations as neither of us slept that much. "Sup?" I asked the two men as I walked in.

"Not much, how about you tiny?" Tony replied.

"Ha ha." I said sarcastically. "I'm not much smaller than you." I pointed out.

"No, but ever little counts." He laughed. I smiled and grabbed a banana from the fruit bowl, before throwing it into the blender with some apple juice, strawberries, raspberries, blueberries and kale. I whizzed it around before tasting it with a teaspoon. I drizzled a little honey into it and poured it into a glass. I sat at the table, drinking it through a metal straw and zoned out.

"Hey." A hand waved in front of my face, forcing me back to reality. "You okay?" Steve asked concerned.

"hmm? Yeah I'm fine, just planning my day." I lied, convincingly.

"Okay, well me and Sam are going on a run if you want to join?" He offered.

"I thought Sam was injured?" I asked.

"He is on recovery, so the run is going to be gentle." He said.

"Okay, sure, just let me get changed." I agreed.

I ran upstairs into my room and noticed that Nat wasn't there. She had probably gone to her room to get ready for the day. I grabbed a new t-shirt and a new pair of leggings but kept the same jacket. I would just say that mornings were cold, if they asked. I pulled the t-shirt over my head and as I did I heard the door open behind me. I grabbed my jacket and threw it on quickly, before turning to see who it was. "Hey, just wondered if you wanted to go spar with me?" Nat asked smiling softly. "I'd love to bubs, but I just told Steve I would go on a run with him." I said apologetically. "Okay, no worries. I will ask Clint instead." She said.

"Okay, well I have to go now." I said trying to leave s quick as possible. I brushed past her and she grabbed my wrist, making me wince in pain slightly.

"What is it?" She asked surprised.

"Nothing, I was just surprised." I lied. She narrowed her eyes at me but chose to ignore it.

"Don't I get a kiss?" She asked with puppy eyes.

"Of course baby." I kissed her gently but quickly so I could go. I left her, waving goodbye and headed down stairs where Sam and Steve were lacing up their shoes. "I'm ready to go." I smiled at them.

"Good, we will be about an hour." Steve said straightening up.

"Hope you can keep up." I joked, knowing Steve never fell behind in running. He laughed and the three of us set out on our run. It started off nice and slow, but Steve soon picked up the pace and would whiz past us after letting us go ahead just to say. "On your left." Me and Sam laughed, used to his antics but by the 5th or 6th time it was pissing me off. We had 10 minutes left to go and Steve zoomed by shouting, "On your left!" I rolled my eyes and used my powers to stop him running. He froze on the spot as I controlled his mind. Me and Sam ran past him waving and yelling, "On your left!" We laughed, high fived and ran ahead for a few hundred metres before I released Steve and he caught up with us. "That was rude." He sulked.

"Hmmm, maybe next time, you will run with us and not ahead?" I said smiling.

"I'll think about it." He replied as we returned to the compound.

We walked back. Steve hardly breaking a sweat, Sam and me drenched. I was drenched mainly because of my extra layer, Sam asked why I was wearing it and just said that I forgot I was wearing it. He seemed convinced and headed to the kitchen. I went to my room and pulled out my secret sketchbook and began to draw.

I drew what I felt in this sketchbook, which is why I never let anyone see it.

I sighed and snapped my notebook shut, hiding it under my pillow as I heard somebody walk into my room. I looked over and saw it was Nat. "Hey baby." She said cautiously. "I didn't know you were back."

"Uh yeah I got back about 20 minutes ago." I told her.

"What you been doing?" She asked.

"Oh not much just thinking." I said as I laid down on my bed, onto of the pillow my notebook was hidden under.

"What's that?" She said pointing to my hand. I looked. It was grey and red, from the pencils I had been using.

"That's from my drawing, I am left handed so the graphite rubs onto my hand." I said smiling a little.

"Can I see the drawing?" She asked, sitting next to me on the bed.

"Uhm no, sorry Nat, it isn't finished." I lied getting up from the bed quickly.

"Oh okay." She said a little disappointed.

"Yeah, well I am gonna go now, got things to do." I walked out of the room quickly before she could say anything, I walked straight into Wanda who was about to knock on my door.

"Oh hey, I was just going to say that I have made some lunch if you wanted any." She said smiling.

"Oh thanks, I already ate but Nat might want some." I gestured that she could go in my room.

"Okay, I'll see you later." She said as I walked down the corridor to the lift.

"C ya later." I saluted her jokingly and walked into the lift.

I got downstairs and left through a back door so that the others wouldn't see me.

***

Nat's POV

Something strange was going on with y/n I could feel it. She was sometimes like this, but it was different this time. Before she acted strange for a day or two but it has been nearly a week and she keeps avoiding me. I have given her a bit of space and let her run off to wherever she goes but I am getting worried about her. I walked into the main room and sat down at the table where Wanda had made us ham and cheese toasties, they smelled great but my heart wasn't in it.

"What's wrong?" Wanda asked me, she had worked hard on cooking all day to distract her self from Pietro who was still in Medway. "Is it the food?"

"No. No the food is really amazing, thank you Wanda. I just...something is not quite right with y/n. I don't know what it is but I can just sense it." I said putting my toastie back on my plate.

"What do you mean?" Wanda said concerned.

"She is getting hardly any sleep, she wakes up really early in the morning like 1 or 2am and leaves the bed. I used to get up and check on her but I think she needs a bit of space, but now I think she isn't getting any sleep. She goes to bed with me and waits for me to sleep and then stays there for an hour or two before disappearing, then I don't really see her aport from meal times." I explained. The team looked worried. "I was wondering if maybe you could look in her head, see what is bothering her?" I asked Wanda.

"I dint know, can I ask her first?" Wanda said unsure.

"Normally I would say yes but I think this is something serious and she is trying to deal with it on her own, but badly. I just..I don't have a good feeling about this Wands."I said sadly.

Wanda could see how upset I was, even though I tried to hide it. "Okay, I'll look later tonight okay?" She said.

"Yeah, thank you Wanda that means a lot." I smile at her and took another bite of my toastie. "Pietro will be okay by the way, he just needs some time." I reassured her.

"Yeah I know, I was hoping to see him later if you wanted to come with me?" She asked.

"Of course." I smiled and we continued to eat our meal.

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Brief overview of chapter

Basically, y/n is experiencing nightmares of her time at Hydra where she and Bucky were held. Bucky was rescued a few years before she was and they punished her for him escaping. She felt like she deserved the punishment that Hydra gave her and so inflicted pain on herself, on purpose. She doesn't want to be alive anymore, she is not sleeping and wears long sleeved tops, hoodies and pj's to hide her arms. She is not eating well and exercises too much. Nat is beginning to notice and asked Wanda to look into y/n's head to see what the problem mis because y/n keeps avoiding everybody. Wanda agreed and Pietro is still healing in Medbay.

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That's it for this chapter, I realise that it is a bit heavy handed and some content is not pleasant but I really wanted to write about these sort of topics and raise awareness for it. This is not how self harm works for everybody and people experience it differently. There will be 3 or 4 more chapters which are like this one, if you don't like it then at the end I will tell you roughly what happened so you still understand the plot. It will get better but you will have to wait and see.

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As always remember to;

Go for a walk or some form of exercise.

Drink a glass of water.

Spend time with family and friends if you can.

Eat at least one meal.

Try and do something for you today, relax.

I love you all and I hope you have a good day/night x