Devon

The next morning I woke up, on the floor beside the couch. It took my half awake brain a second to identify the scent of the fur covered person who had taken over my usual location, and I relaxed when I realized it was just Megan.

We'd never really done the sleeping over thing when we were together, so it was a new experience waking up near her, or anyone. I didn't remember her being in her wolf form last I could remember, but apparently she had shifted during the night.

"Why are you a wolf?" I asked her as I sat up, leaning against the couch.

She didn't move in response to my question, not even her ears, but she did answer. "Because both my parents were wolves and that's usually how it goes."

"You know that's not what I meant."

"I'm too tired to know things."

"Why're you in your wolf form?"

"I'm hoping I heal from my hangover faster, if you must know. Also don't look in your washroom before I clean it up."

"What did you do?"

"I don't want to talk about it. It's your fault since you're the one who fed me fairy juice."

"You know what? You're right. I don't want to know."

She just laughed, and I did too. It still wasn't a very happy laugh, but it was the happiest one I'd managed in a long time.

—————

Over the next week, Megan and I started spending time together again, and it lessened the aching loneliness that had become my constant companion. It wasn't perfect. I still missed Amber, I still regretted my mistakes, I still had trouble focusing, but it was better, and even a slight reprieve was something I wouldn't shun.

At first, we sat in my office drinking like the first night, but then we moved out into other quiet corners of the pack house. We watched a couple movies in my living area, or played cards in a quiet corner of the games room.

It wasn't all fun and games, or even mostly. She still cried whenever we drifted close to the mate question, and I still spent much of my days keeping my wolf in check and trying to function like I did before.

But at least right now, we were both sidetracked. Megan tossed down her cards on the table and crooned. "Ah ha ha! Game, set, match! Read 'em and weep."

I half smiled and rolled my eyes at her. "I'm not sure why you're so happy."

"No one would ever believe how much I beat the alpha. Aren't you alphas supposed to be the best at everything?"

"No pressure, huh? I can't even lose at a friendly game without having my position questioned?"

"Obviously not," she said and laughed, "But you're too good at most things, it sets up unrealistic expectations."

"So you're saying I should fail more," I said, although the word fail didn't sound as light as the rest of the sentence.

"Something like that." Her levity was gone. She must have caught something in my tone. "What is it?"

"Nothing, I'm fine," I repeated what I always said when people dared to ask.

She shot me an incredulous expression. She didn't believe me any more than I believed me.

What would the truth hurt? It was just me and Megan with no one else around to hear it. "I've been failing."

"What? No! That's not true!" her face was all concern.

"I've been a terrible alpha."

"You're not, Devon. Don't say that."

"I've been letting everything fall. The only reason the pack's fine is because of the way the others stepped up to cover for my failures."

"That's what pack is, though, right? We cover for each other."

"Yeah, but my father never let anything get to him like this. I've always tried to follow in his footsteps, but it's like I'm walking in the opposite direction."

"Oh, Devon, that's not true. The pack didn't falter when your mother got sick because you were there to start taking over the role. Just like Oliver and the others are doing to help you. It's nothing to be ashamed of. This mate stuff messes with everyone when it doesn't go the right way. No one blames you."

I chuckled harshly.

"It's as much my fault as anyone. I said I was going to help you, and I didn't manage to do anything," she sniffled. "I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault. Amber..." my voice caught on her name. I never said it out loud anymore, "wanted something more than me. Nothing anyone could have done."

"Oh, Devon." She left her seat and came around and wrapped her arms around me.

Her heat seeped into me, and I pulled her closer. She wasn't my mate, but my wolf didn't protest like he had when I'd noticed the way the social climbers had been eyeing me at the mate ball. Maybe because our wolves were so close.

I didn't really know why, but what I did know is that I needed this break from isolation. Maybe Megan was the answer. I needed to look into it before I did anything rash, but maybe the time would come to choose a luna who loved the pack and didn't despise me. I'd have to look into how it would affect my mate if I chose and marked another female without breaking the bond first. If it wouldn't hurt Amber, maybe that was the way to go. And if a rejection was better for her, maybe I could suppress my wolf long enough to get the job done, maybe with wolfsbane, silver, or just drinking until my wolf could barely function first.

I dreaded it. I didn't want to, but maybe...

Maybe I had no better choice.

Megan patted my back like she was soothing a child, and on some level it worked. We sat there like that for a long time, until the door to the game's room cracked open. An older couple quickly apologized and left when they saw how close Megan and I were. I saw only sympathy and understanding in their eyes, no judgement. The pack would understand my decision, if I decided to go ahead with it.

Megan tried to pull away from me, but I held her in place for a moment. Her lips parted like she was going to say something and she searched my eyes. "Devon, you know I'm not her."

"I know. And I'm not whoever it is that you really want."

She scoffed. "I've given up on that. I can't hope anymore."

"When she first left, I really believed the bond would make her reconsider. I hoped that even if she left, she would see she had choices, and choose me from them if I just gave her time. But she's happy where she is. I gave her what she wanted. I can't hope anymore, either." Megan and I used to hope together. Now, maybe, it was time to grieve those hopes.

And we could grieve alone, or we could grieve together.

I closed the remaining distance between us and brought my lips to hers.