Devon

There was a knock on my office door. I called permission to come in, and my brother pushed the door open.

"Hey Devon. Ray summed up all the info we've gathered on hunter activity and I offered to bring it by since I was coming this way."

I'd noticed that my brother came more often in place of my gamma and delta. They probably thought it was safer, or maybe the task fell on him as beta. Or as my brother. I didn't know, and I didn't call them out on it.

"Thanks."

"No prob. Hey, do you feel up to doing something, I don't know, anything besides work one of these days. It's been a long time since we've done anything, and I know you're the alpha, but you're also still my brother. Nothing changes that, right? And Silvia wouldn't want you to be isolated. If she were here..."

I sighed. I didn't have an interest in doing anything. Even if I did, I didn't want to be around anyone in case my wolf got agitated. "There's too much to do."

Oliver knew I was lying, but he didn't argue. We did a lot more pretending that we believed each other's lies in the past months. He was right, though. Silvia would have pestered me into being less antisocial. She was a lot like Oliver in temperament, but my wolf had a softer spot for her.

If we could just make a breakthrough in the case... I eyed the folder Oliver placed on my desk. If there was anything of real value in there, I wouldn't be getting a report. They'd have told me straight out and we'd be on our way to rescue Silvia and her mate.

Mate.

I hated the word. My wolf howled for ours in my head.

"You talk to Sarah sometimes, right?"

Oliver was hesitant in his response. "I do."

"How're they doing?" We both knew I was mostly concerned about one.

He chose his words carefully. "From what I hear, they're both doing just fine."

More meaningless platitudes. I growled, unable to help myself.

"She's doing well. She's got friends, a job, from what I hear. They have movie nights together."

It was the most I'd heard in all these months.

There was pity in Oliver's eyes. "She's safe, and it sounds like she's doing well."

"That's good." I meant it. But I still had the inclination to force my way into whatever she had built whether she wanted me there or not.

"Maybe..." Oliver trailed off, and I focused on him. His breathing was a bit fast, was he nervous?

"What is it?"

He swallowed audibly. "I'm not saying now, or any time soon, but maybe you should consider ending your connection with her."

My wolf reared to the surface, and it took all my concentration to hold him back from demonstrating to my brother just how much he hated the idea.

Oliver continued speaking quickly. "I know it's not what any of us would want for you, but this is eating you alive, Devon. You're not yourself anymore. Even now, your eyes are your wolf's gold, not your norm. You've lost weight, you're not sleeping, you're constantly drinking." He pointed to the half full glass on my desk to highlight his point.

"Don't you think I know that?"

"Then are you waiting for her to come back?"

I scoffed. "No. She never wanted me. She has what she wanted. Why would she return?"

"The bond?"

"It didn't affect her. Not like normal."

"Then...?"

I didn't want to admit my weakness out loud, but maybe I could, to my brother, if no one else. "I don't know if I can hold back my wolf."

"You wouldn't hurt her." He sounded so certain. I scoffed.

"Wouldn't I?" Oliver didn't know how dark my beast had become now that he had lost the only thing he ever truly wanted.

He sighed. "Well, if there's anything I could do, let me know."

"I will." It was another lie.

Oliver left, and I refilled my drink.

—————

A few hours later, I made my way to the kitchen to find some mix. I'd run out of my preferred whisky, and I was onto the vodka. The kitchen was deserted since supper had already come and gone, and I rooted around in the fridge.

Then a sniffle managed to find its way through my drunken haze, and I turned around to see who was upset, for a sweet moment distracted from my own misery by someone else's.

Megan was sitting in the pantry, red-rimmed eyes and puffy cheeks. She was generally a beauty, but even with bleary eyes I couldn't miss what a mess she was.

And it didn't take a genius to figure out what she was upset about. It wasn't as if we hadn't spent hundreds of hours together wondering about our mates and why we couldn't find them over the years when almost everyone else had found theirs. We were both still as alone as ever, and nothing I could say would make that better.

So instead I held out the bottle. "Want to come have a drink?"

She nodded, and I walked over and helped her to her feet, although she was probably steadier than I was. Still, we managed just fine and soon enough we were in my office, both sitting on opposite ends of the couch with drinks in hand. She'd stopped crying, but she was still puffy, not that I was one to criticize people's appearances recently what with my new resemblance to a vagrant.

She took a big swallow of her drink, and leaned back on the couch.

"Tell me what's wrong, Megan," I said, even though I was already pretty sure that I knew.

She grimaced. "You don't want to hear about it. You've got your own problems, right?"

"I'm sick of my own problems."

"Well, I shouldn't be this upset when yours are worse."

"I don't think that's true."

"No?"

"No."

She downed the rest of her drink in one gulp, and grabbed the bottle and refilled both our glasses. Her blue eyes welled up as they met my own. "It's so stupid. I knew there were no guarantees, you know? I should have known better! How many times have I gone to a stupid pack function where there were wolves I've never met, and every single time my mate wasn't there. Why would this time have been any different, just because I tried so hard to make it perfect? I knew better than to get my hopes up, but I thought...I thought maybe it was finally my turn."

"I'm sorry."

She shook her head. "You of all people don't need to feel sorry for me, Devon. It's not like your situation is better." She took a large drink. "I'm sorry, I'm being harsh."

"No, please. You're the first person to act normal with me since she left me. Everyone walks on eggshells now, and it's a constant reminder of what I lost. I understand, I'm constantly on edge, but..." Strangely enough, my wolf seemed calmer now, sitting here with Megan. He didn't obsess over her like he had with Amber, but our wolves were very close and her proximity soothed him.

"I was doing it too, wasn't I? Oh, I'm so sorry." She sniffled.

"You did nothing wrong. I wish you were still doing it, because then you'd be happy with someone."

More tears from my words. She shrugged in the worst attempt at pretending not to care I'd ever seen. "Well, if you want normal, I'll try, Devon. What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. Keep going, since I don't have much choice." Maybe I should just hand the pack over to Oliver. No, he didn't want it. I sighed. They needed me. I couldn't afford not to find my way through this.

"We always have choices, right? Even if they all suck."

I laughed sardonically, and Megan's bitter chuckle joined me.

We kept drinking together, until I was too tired to do anything but pass out on the couch.