Devon

I picked up my glass and tilted what was left of the golden liquid into my mouth. I could barely taste the dry flavour of the magically enhanced whisky, much like I could barely register the colours in the office around me. Everything was dull and meaningless.

Picking up the next paper on my desk, I forced myself to focus on the words printed on the page. It was relating to the function Megan was planning. I'd given my permission, but I'd heard very little about the mate ball since Amber had left me. I glanced at the date, and realized that it was set for tomorrow. How had it snuck up on me like this?

No one had directly mentioned it to me. My brother, Megan, and basically everyone else in the pack were all tiptoeing around me, and why not? My wolf was unpredictable, and my control was worse than it had ever been. Worse even than when I'd been a cocky adolescent with an abnormally strong wolf undergoing the ravages of puberty. There'd been plenty of mishaps back then, but no one had been relying on me then.

They shouldn't be relying on me now.

I couldn't focus, I couldn't function. I was a failure as an alpha, just as much as I was a failure as a mate.

My wolf chose that moment to rouse himself, tempting me with all the things I could be doing instead of sitting here in my office while trying and failing to keep it all together.

It wouldn't be difficult to find out where she had gone. I'd placed Oliver in charge of handling any of Sarah's additional needs and expenses, but one quick alpha command, and he'd have no choice but to tell me where they were staying. Hell, five minutes alone in his office and I could probably have the address in my hands. Twenty minutes later, I could be on the road, heading towards her.

I'd get there, find that tantalizing scent that my wolf would never forget, and follow the trail straight to her. Then, it would all depend on her reaction. If she were happy to see me, I would woo her. If I knew it would go that way, I'd already be on my way.

The problem was that I wasn't sure what she would do. If she wasn't happy to see me, I didn't know what my wolf would respond to more rejection, as upset as he was. Maybe I'd drag her back to Marrowcliff and never allow her leave again, no matter what she wanted. Maybe my wolf would rampage through the human city and be put down by hunters for exposing the supernatural. Maybe my wolf would overpower me and mark her against her will. None of those outcomes were acceptable.

My wolf loved the repugnant idea of marking and carrying her off.

I truly was a monster.

But instead of getting up and snooping around Oliver's office like I was sorely tempted to do, I just poured another drink.

—————

Hours later, I woke up on the couch beside the bookshelf in my office. A glance at my father's clock told me it was already past nine in the morning. I had no memory of how I ended up here, but it didn't take a genius to figure out that I'd spent another night drinking at my desk before crashing on the closest spot. My father had always kept a couch in here when this office had been his and I'd copied the habit, but I was pretty sure that hadn't been for his convenience in passing out drunk like I'd been doing.

I missed my father and mother even after all this time, but a dark side of me was relieved that they weren't here to see how far I had fallen, what a disappointment I had turned out to be.

I pushed up from where I lay. My head throbbed and my neck ached from sleeping in an uncomfortable cramped position. Making my way out the door towards the kitchen, I grabbed something to eat that was leftover from breakfast. My sensitive ears picked up an excess of excited chatter, and I could feel the same sentiment like a heady thrum through the bond with my pack. There were a lot of wolves looking forward to the possibility of finding their mates. They were all so hopeful.

How I envied them their optimism. The future was full of potential.

My potential had already been exhausted. All my possibilities were far more negative. My wolf pushed at me to make them reality.

Repressing my instincts yet again, I got ready to go for a run. Our patrols would be pushed to the limit this night so it was a good time for me to take a turn, with so many wolves from other packs on my territory and many of our fighters also taking part in the festivities. My wolf would be agitated enough with so many possible threats on our land, so he needed to wear off some energy.

I left my already rumpled clothing in a pile at the edge of the forest, and shifted into my fur. I never let my wolf have full control anymore, because he was too unstable. He couldn't be trusted, not even with the pack, because of his constant frustration.

I ran through the forest to the edge of my territory, and kept my senses sharp for any hints of real threats. I almost wished to encounter a feral rogue, or better yet, a hunter, someone who I could take out my simmering aggression on. If I found hunters, I'd drag them back and show them what it was like to be a prisoner of an angry werewolf. I'd torture them until they told me where Silvia was being held, and every other detail of hunter society that could be recalled. Gone were the days when Marrowcliff respected hunters as enforcers. They were only enemies, even if most of the other members of the Alpha Assembly refused to see the truth.

Fortunately, and to my disappointment, I found no threats. I came back as agitated as ever, full of emotion I had no way of expelling. I'd have to keep myself well away from the mate ball this night as much as possible. I could only imagine the trouble I'd have to deal with if I inadvertently lost my cool on some cocky young wolf from an allied pack.

I dressed and returned to the pack house. I might as well try to get some more work done.

The door of the pack house opened before I reached it. Megan and a few other pack members came out, chattering about their various tasks.

"Hey, Alpha Devon!" Megan greeted me, and the others echoed her. She smiled brightly, but it quickly faded to concern when she looked at me. I must have looked as bad as I felt.

I pretended I hadn't noticed her reaction. "Hello, ladies." My response was flat, even though I had tried to sound friendly. They were probably on their way to make sure everything was ready for the festivities. "Heading off to the hall?"

"Yes," she said. "Everything seems to be going smoothly, but we want to make sure we haven't missed anything. Having members of six different packs here at once is a pretty big organizational challenge."

"I have full confidence in all of you."

They smiled at that. Reminding my pack that I had faith in them was something my father had considered important. A pack ran best when everyone knew they were necessary and felt included. Every wolf had an important place, even if it was sometimes difficult to determine where that might be. I was such a fraud, pretending to live up to my father when I wasn't doing the job as well as he had.

"Thanks, Alpha Devon," Megan said, and she smiled as they walked away.

She'd put her heart and soul into organizing the gathering and had thrived under the challenge. I desperately hoped that she would find her mate tonight. Even back when we'd been together, there'd been no pretense between us. We had both known it was a cold comfort, a poor replacement for what we both truly wanted.

I'd rather have a minute of Amber's time than a lifetime with anyone else.

I missed her so much.

—————

Wolves were rolling into my territory, and I maintained the bare minimum of contact to be civil, speaking largely to the ranking members who had come along from their packs, before retreating from the hoards of females who looked at me like they wished I was their mate, or even that I would take them as a chosen mate.

I didn't want any of them.

Even in the short time I acted the host, twice I witnessed two wolves find each other, and both times I could barely hide my jealousy and resentment. Why couldn't my mate have been another werewolf who had been looking for me? If Amber had been from one of these packs with this attitude, she'd already be luna, maybe even pregnant with Marrowcliff's heir, instead of abandoning me to run around the human world on a search for freedom.

It was a relief to get back to the pack house. I decided to work, since it was further from where the guests were staying, and I didn't want to risk running into any of the new happy couples.

I should have rejected Amber before she left. My wolf raged in my mind at the thought, and pushed me in the direction of Oliver's office again. The door stood there with his nameplate in gold, a weak defense against what I wanted to find. Her location was right behind that door, so easily accessible. Even if I didn't have the key, it wouldn't be a match against the strength of my desperate wolf. A tiny peek later and I could be on my way to her, to do what needed to be done. I leaned my arm against the door and talked myself down.

But my wolf didn't want to follow Amber to reject her in a civil manner. He wanted to chase her down and make her ours, regardless of her thoughts about the situation. I didn't let her go just to hunt her down and forcibly mark her. I let her go to give her the freedom she wanted. Because that was what she wanted. She wanted freedom.

Not me.

I should have done it before. Maybe then I'd be at that mate ball, and maybe even find my second chance. But was a weak coward who wasn't strong enough to face her before she left, and now that my wolf was increasingly unstable, the risk was too high. I had to stay away.

Pushing away from my brother's office, I continued down towards my own, unlocking and relocking the door behind me. I didn't want to be disturbed. My ranked wolves were either at the ball themselves or on duty, and they would let me know if there was an actual concern that required my attention.

Sitting at my desk, I pulled out my phone and texted Sarah.

Devon: How is she doing?

Sarah: She's doing fine.

Devon: Tell me more.

Sarah: She's safe, seems happy enough.

Devon: Specifics.

Sarah: I told you I wasn't going to spy on her. If she wants you to know what she's doing, she'll let you know. When she's ready. You've just got to be patient. I can't push her because it just gets her back up, and she already doubts my sincerity. And she really doesn't like being told what to do, so if you want me to start sabotaging my friendship with Amber until she won't even tolerate me anymore and leaves on her own, just let me know.

I rested my head in my hands. This would never have worked if Sarah weren't so strong minded. I would have bullied anyone else into violating her wishes. And at least this way I knew that Amber was safe. I texted her back.

Devon: No, of course not. I trust you know what you're doing.

Sarah: Sorry, I know it's hard for you.

Devon: I'm fine.

Sarah: K.

Devon: Happy belated birthday, by the way.

Sarah: Haha, thanks. It was fun.

I set the phone down, got a drink, and started working again.