I fear the future.

I have for years.

Ever since I made that first slice in my skin.

Wait, that's not where i should begin.

Let's try this over.

I fear the future.

It's as simple as that.

I'm afraid of who i might marry.

And what comes after that.

I'm afraid my children will see the scars of my past.

The destruction...

That I caused.

Because it shouldn't have been an option for me.

And definitely not for them.

Not for them...

Not for anyone...

I'm afraid of what i cannot control.

I'm afraid to have a daughter

My little baby girl.

Because of the way women are treated in our society today.

Make me afraid.

I dont want to loose my daughter to the socially constructed views on beauty.

That tell her,

Skinny = Beautiful.

Makeup = Beautiful.

Because every girl is beautiful.

My daughter will be beautiful.

And beauty is never just skin deep.

Fear clouds my mind...

It leaves all of these anxiety inducing questions in my head.

They won't leave me alone!

Will i be a good mom?

Will my children love me?

Will I be a hard worker?

Will I do what I love?

Will i be a good mom?

Will my children love me?

Will I be a hard worker?

Will I do what I love?

Will i be a good mom?

Will my children love me?

Will I be a hard worker?

Will I do what I love?

A brave man once said,

"You'll fear your fears forever,

If you never do what your afraid of."

So why am I so afraid?

Maybe it's because I'm a coward.

I've tried to leave this world so many times.

But somethings kept me stuck on this suspended rock.

Living out the rest of my days afraid.

But life moves on...

I'm always constantly closer to the future i so fear.

Maybe all of these are constant fears.

Maybe I'll constantly be afraid of what I cannot control.

Afraid of who will love me.

Of how my daughter will be treated.

What society will teach her.

Afraid of how my kids will treat my scars.

Afraid of them ever feeling how I did.

How i do.

But for now...

The world keeps spinning.

And me with it.

So I'll "Keep moving forward."

I'll "Just keep swimming."

And live the life im so afraid of living.