《Atrocities // Joshler》23

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Tyler's head was rested in Josh's lap, the latter playing with the younger boy's hair. The TV was on, but they weren't paying attention to it. They were just chatting, engulfed in their own little world of personal teenage problems.

Things were good.

It had been weeks since their kiss, and things had only improved. School was doing well, there hadn't been any major dramas, and they were definitely getting along.

Tyler suddenly giggled. "Hey, everyone thinks we're cousins."

Josh laughed. "We're definitely some close cousins."

Tyler nodded and sat up. He readjusted himself so his head was leaning on Josh'a shoulder. He began playing with Josh's hand, twisting the fingers between his own and tracing patterns into the skin.

"It's kind of sucks," Josh added. "We can't be affectionate and shit at school."

Tyler smiled and snuggled into Josh's side. "I guess we'll just have to be even more affectionate here."

Josh swung his arm around Tyler with a laugh. "You've really warmed up to me, huh?"

Tyler smiled, but it looked pained. He began fiddling with his hands; a habit Josh had learned to dread. It always meant he was nervous.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Josh asked while pulling Tyler up so they were looking at each other properly.

"'Dunno," Tyler mumbled.

Josh cupped his face. "You gotta tell me so I can fix it."

Tyler sighed. "Everything is fucked."

Josh let Tyler reposition himself so his head was back in Josh's lap. They looked at each other, Tyler's eyes sparkling with sadness and Josh's eyes sparkling with worry.

"It's just- it's so hard," Tyler continued. "There's so many secrets, and there's so much... so much bad. There's people that want to kill you. And I really like you, and I really like what we have, but where is it going? I mean, you did say you were going back to Russia when you turned eighteen. And when you do, I'll... well, I don't know what I'll do. I don't have anything else."

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Josh frowned. "You have plenty. And, besides..." he paused, hesitating. "I mean, maybe I won't even go back to Russia. I- I like it better here."

Tyler's eyes widened. "Really?"

Josh nodded and turned his attention to the piece of Tyler's hair that he was twirling between his fingers. "Back in Russia, I was in constant danger. Here, I'm a normal teenager."

Tyler sat up and swung his leg over Josh's lap so he was straddling him. He brushed Josh's hair out of his face with a content hum and began to play with the drawstrings of the older boy'a hoodie. Josh smiled, his heart blooming with an emotion that he thought was long gone as he stared at Tyler.

Josh had never been in a serious relationship. He had never tried to be in a serious relationship. He just never thought that his lifestyle was cut out for that sort of thing. As he studied Tyler, though, he knew he had a chance. He knew he had a chance of finally being loved.

"Have you even been in a serious relationship?" Josh asked.

Tyler scoffed. "Yeah. Not a great one."

Josh furrowed his eyebrows. "What happened?"

Tyler's lips twitched. "I've always had a hard time figuring out my sexuality, as you can probably tell. I just... I can't really admit it to myself, or to others. I know, though. I've always known that I'm..." he took a deep breath, his eyes focused on nothing but Josh's hoodie. "That I'm gay. And when I was fourteen, I 'dated' this guy. He was older, and he... wasn't very nice."

Josh raised his eyebrows. Tyler's fiddling was becoming more shaky and harsh; an obvious sign that he was was slowly falling into an abyss of his own bad memories. Josh gently took his hands and held them steadily.

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Tyler exhaled slowly. "He called me names n' shit. Hit me a couple o' times. It- it wasn't too bad, but he-he's kinda the reason it's so hard for me to accept that I'm- that I'm gay."

"Tyler," Josh whispered, his eyes wide. He pulled the younger into a hug. "That's terrible. I'm so sorry."

Tyler shook his head and pulled away. "No, it's okay. I'm okay. You're not like him. I know that."

Josh began to gingerly trace Tyler's face. "I'll never hurt you. And if I ever scare you at all, you have to tell me, 'kay?"

Tyler nodded and rolled so he was sitting on the couch, facing the TV. He picked up the remote and turned it up, signalling that he didn't want to talk anymore.

Josh looked down at the boy and wrapped an arm around him protectively, as if whoever had hurt him would suddenly come storming into the apartment. Josh knew it was stupid, of course, but that didn't stop his heart from nearly thudding out of his chest when someone knocked on the door.

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