or once, it doesn't feel like I'm fighting to keep my head above water, it feels like I'm actually swimming.

Not having to pretend to like Justin anymore feels like I've had two hundred pounds of deadweight removed, and while my parents are still stressing about the party this weekend, I find myself not caring as much. Max has seen the real me, warts and all, and for whatever twisted reason still likes me. It's almost enough to make me want to like myself.

Tiana keeps pointing out my smile at school. I try to keep my expression neutral, cool, because I still have a reputation to uphold, but if anyone can see through my facade, it's her.

"Fess up," she says. "You're not just smiling because of a few boxing lessons. It's a boy, isn't it?"

"It's not a boy," I say.

"A girl?"

"Or a girl. I'm just happy, okay? Not being with Justin is liberating. I'm a new woman."

"Hmm," she says as we walk to class, but she doesn't look like she believes me.

It doesn't matter, because in my head, I'm not even here, I'm busy replaying my last kiss with Max, over and over. I'm not exactly a newbie when it comes to relationships, but this is the first time I've truly had butterflies just from thinking about someone, and it scares me to death. Alyssa Class does not get butterflies or hung up on a guy, yet here I am, replaying a kiss like I'm in middle school. What is wrong with me?

As soon as we step into the classroom, I spot Kino in his seat. I tense a little, because I haven't spoken to him since our awkward encounter where he asked me out, but I suppose making amends now is as good a time as any. Shoulders back, I walk toward our desk and take the seat next to him, flashing him a brilliant smile.

"Hey," I say.

He keeps his eyes straight ahead. "Hey."

The next few minutes are spent in awkward silence as I pretend to organize my pencils on the desk. I want to say something, anything, to make him feel better, but between rejecting his advances and not standing up for him, I don't know what to say. The truth is, I have been a terrible, terrible friend.

"Look," I say, under my breath, "I'm sorry. I should have stuck up for you after what Marnie said."

"Why didn't you?"

"Because I'm already walking a fine line with them," I say, "especially after breaking up with Justin. Marnie's one step away from taking me down."

His eyebrows furrow, but he still refuses to look at me. "Why do you care so much about what they think? Why are you even friends with people like that?"

"Because–" I pause, because the truth is, I don't know why I care so much, or why I'm still friends with them. "I guess I've been friends with them for a long time. They're all I know. Sometimes change is scary, you know? But I'm trying to be better if that's any consolation. I mean, I'm failing, obviously, but I'm trying."

I wait an excruciating moment for him to relent, or at least look at me, but he won't. I sigh. "Kino, I'm sorry, okay? Can we just pretend like what happened never happened?"

He looks over now, eyes dark. "Which part?"

I'm certain I look like a deer in headlights right now, because telling him I want to forget about him asking me out might make him hate me even more. But the truth is, I do want us to forget that; I want him to forget ever liking me.

"Everything," I admit. "I want things to go back to the way they were before I messed everything up. I have a habit of doing that."

His eyes soften, and I feel myself breathe a sigh of relief. "You didn't mess anything up," he says. "I did. I shouldn't have put you on the spot by asking you out like that, especially when you're going through a breakup. I'm sorry."

"So, friends?" I ask hopefully.

He nods just as Miss Granger walks in. "Friends."

s soon as school finishes, I rush home to eat, finish off some homework, then change for the gym. My parents are both out doing god knows at what, so at least I'm not bombarded with questions on my way out.

The whole drive there, I'm buzzing with excitement. Not just because I'll get to see Max later, but because training with Maddie makes me feel better, somehow. Safe. It's a strange feeling to have considering I'm not exactly unsafe, but the gym has become a haven, a place I can go and be someone else for a while, and god knows I've needed that.

Maddie smiles as soon as she sees me. She already has a pair of gloves, a helmet and a mouthshield waiting for me on the bench beside her.

"We'll go over a few more techniques today," she says. "Have you decided what you're working toward? Is it a white collar boxing thing you want to do, because we have programs like that here, or you can just carry on taking lessons and sparring. It's up to you, there doesn't need to be some big fight your working toward–" she pauses and adds, "–sometimes it's about the small fights along the way."

I think for a moment. On the one hand, Justin's comment about me not being able to fight makes me want to prove to him I can, and what better way to do that than at a match? But on the other, I kind of like just going along at this pace with Maddie.

"I'll think about it," I say. "Maybe if we just work toward a fight at the club in a few weeks?"

"Sounds good to me," she says.

She helps me to wrap my hands and slip on my gloves before we step into the ring. We recap some of the footwork she showed me then go through a few basic combos. The act of swinging my fist is starting to feel natural, and there's this surge of electricity that runs through me when my fist connects with her helmet.

"Good," she says, grinning through her mouth shield. "That was perfect."

I beam back, because her praise has this way of lighting me up. "Thanks. You know, have you ever considered being a teacher? I think you'd be good at it."

"That's actually what I've always wanted to be," she admits. "What about you, what do you want to do?"

"I have no idea," I say. "I keep hoping I'll wake up one day and suddenly realize my calling, but all I ever wake up with is a dry throat."

She laughs at the same time her fist shoots out, hitting the side of my helmet. "You'll figure it out," she says. "I've realized that things always seem to have a way of working themselves out eventually."

"Maybe," I say, but I'm a little too pessimistic to be convinced.

At one point, when we stop to take a break, Maddie passes me a drink made with electrolytes that she'd specifically bought for me from the store. I raise my eyebrows, surprised at her generosity, and take a sip.

"So, are we going to talk about that thing that mentally scarred me for life?" she asks.

I almost spit out my gulp of electrolytes. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

She laughs and says, "It's fine, I'm just curious about what's going on with you two. You looked pretty...Well, you know."

I do know. "Well, I like him," I say, turning to face her properly. It feels so good to be actually able to tell someone about this without them judging me. I tell her everything that's happened so far, from my relationship with my parents and my friends, to Justin, to Kino, and eventually, to how much I like Max. She listens intently without interruption, but every now and then her eyes go wide or her mouth does this weird little twisty thing.

When I'm finished, I expect her to tell me what I already know, which is that things are too complicated, Max and I could never realistically work, but instead, she grins. "I think you guys are perfect for each other."

I raise an eyebrow. "We couldn't be more different."

"But that's the point," she says. "You balance each other out. You know, I could already sense something was different with Max. In a good way, obviously. Now I know it was you."

I can't help it, I smile, and she smiles back. As much as I love my friendship with Tiana, talking with Maddie feels different, like I can be one hundred percent myself, the same way I feel around Max – it's liberating.

Maddie and I get back to a few more rounds before calling it quits. I take a quick shower in the office and by the time I come out, Max is already meant against the wall in jeans and a t-shirt, no sign of Maddie in sight.

He walks straight over, snakes an arm around my waist, and says in my ear, "Are you done here? I want to take you somewhere." The warmth of his breath feels seductive on my skin, and I feel myself shiver. I nod as in one swift move, his mouth pulls away from my ear to brush against my lips, sending chick waves through my stomach. He pulls away a little and takes a hold of My hand, forcing me to frown.

"Where are we going?" I ask.

"It's a surprise," he says, and I notice he has this wild little gleam in his eye.

Excited, I let him lead me over to his car, and as soon as we're inside, we're speeding off down the road in the direction of the city. My eyes are closed as I listen to the gentle hum of the engine, and that's when I feel it, his fingers reaching over and threading my own, squeezing them tight.

I could get used to this.