In the silence that followed, my eyes studied the restaurant we'd parked in front of. The lighting inside had a dark orange glow, and the bulbs looked like bubbles hanging from the ceiling. There was a beautiful small oak tree in front of the building, with fairy lights wrapped around the branches. It's leaves seemed unwilling to drop, as half of them still clung to the oak though it was the middle of winter.

This is a fancy restaurant...

Rowan's hands were still holding mine, and I gently withdrew my left hand to wipe away the traces of tears that were left.

"Do you still wanna go in?" Rowan's tone had changed, and I could tell we were done talking about his father. I was relieved.

"Uh, sure," I pulled down the sun visor above me to look at the small mirror. My eyes weren't puffy yet, but they were a bit more red than I would've preferred. "Shit," I whispered quietly at my appearance.

"What's wrong?" Rowan asked, and I quickly flipped the visor back up.

"Nothing, I just look like trash." I muttered quickly, reaching down to zip up my jacket.

"No," Rowan's fingers tilted my head back up towards him, before leaning forward and planting a soft kiss against my lips. His were warm against mine, but it was short-lived as he pulled away and said, "you look amazing."

I sat back as my heart pounded madly, too stunned to find anything to say, surprised that Rowan risked the possibility of someone seeing us- seeing him kissing a boy. "Ready?" He asked. I quickly nodded, knowing my face was blushing furiously as I was unable to hide the smile that'd spread across it.

I walked next to him on the way in, feeling safe that he was next to me, but more self-conscious at the same time. Attention followed him everywhere in this town, and I wondered how he put up with it all.

The host sat us at a table in the back of the restaurant, so luckily we weren't front and center for the whole world to see.

My face was still warm after the kiss, and I distracted myself by staring intently at the menu, while not really taking in any information.

Is this a date?

No, it couldn't be. I'd know if I were on a date. Then again it was a very fancy restaurant, and Rowan had kissed me in the car like it was nothing...

"The garlic bread is really good here," Rowan said, and I looked up to see him watching me with interest. His menu remained closed, and I realized I must've looked ridiculous hunched over the menu with my unmoving eyes glued to the words.

"Oh," I hadn't said a word since he'd kissed me. "Uh, what are you gonna order?"

"Chicken piccata. You?"

I hadn't the faintest clue what I wanted to eat, so I closed my eyes and pointed to a random spot on the menu.

"Looks like I'm getting penne with pink vodka sauce."

"Wow," Rowan's eyes were gleaming with amusement as he held back a laugh. "You got your fake id on you?"

"Oh, ha ha." I closed my menu, feeling my nerves settle a bit at the sight of Rowan's smile. "Yes I'll be sure to pull out a fake over some pasta sauce."

After the waiter came by and took our orders, Rowan sat back, looking as nonchalant as ever. I wondered how he did it, how he was always so comfortable in any setting no matter what.

He's normal, you're fucked up.

I adjusted in my seat, looking around the restaurant. It was a slightly older crowd. There was a group of men in suits at one table, likely conducting business. There were well-dressed couples at other tables, some lost in each other's eyes, others distracted on their phones.

There didn't seem to be any college-aged people here, and I assumed Rowan had considered that when picking the restaurant. I turned back to him, feeling my shoulders fall slightly as I relaxed a bit. Everyone seemed too involved in their own conversations and dinners to give us any attention.

"How've I never been here?" I asked Rowan absently, only to break the silence.

"They only opened up last year," he responded, looking away from me to admire the ambiance. "It's nice, right?" I nodded, my eyes spotting a single crimson rose placed in the middle of the table. Romantic.

"Yeah, fancy." Rowan looked back to me and I snapped my eyes away from the rose to meet his right as the waiter appeared, placing the garlic bread in the center of the table.

Rowan tore a slice off and handed it to me, before taking one for himself.

"Let's hangout more." He spoke so breezily that it took me a moment to process what he said at all.

"Oh," I felt a smile creeping onto my face, and looked down to the bread so he wouldn't see how that simple phrase made me feel. "Yeah, I'd like that."

"Me too," he said, "I think we should get to know each other better." That sentence surprised me.

We should get to know each other better...

"But... what about what you said? That night in the car?" I asked him quietly, picking at my nails under the table. But he didn't seem bothered, only a small frown crossed his face and he rested his chin on his palm, leaning forward slightly.

"I think that it might not be a problem in time." He averted his gaze, his eyes unfocused, "if you still wanna know about all that..." Rowan paused, thinking his next few words over carefully. "I could tell you, when everything... settles."

I nodded slowly, trying to not let my curiosity grow at his delicately phrased sentence. He wanted to get to know me...

"Okay," I kept my voice low, "we can just talk about that when you're ready then." The corner of his mouth lifted in a half-smile,

"Great."

"Anyway," I started, tearing another piece of garlic bread. "What more could you possibly want to know about me?"

"Hmm well," Rowan paused, taking a sip of water to hide his wicked smile. I felt my stomach turn, and quickly shoved the garlic bread in my mouth to stall responding to whatever he said next. "When we were at Nemesis, I seem to remember you telling me that you weren't gay." I averted my gaze, mentally cursing myself for egging him on. "But we've kissed- what at least three separate times now? And it doesn't seem to... bother you that much."

The fact that Rowan was keeping track of how often we'd kissed was a small comfort deep down- because I'd done it too- but at that moment all I wanted to do was drown in the garlic bread in front of me. Why was he so damn good at getting me flustered?

Rowan patiently waited for me to finish chewing my food, openly enjoying the effect his statement had on me. I hoped the lighting in the building was concealing my reddening face, though based on Rowan's expressions I'm sure it wasn't helping in the slightest.

"Well, no I wouldn't say it bothers me at all," I said to my napkin, which was the same beautiful shade of crimson as the rose in the center.

"That's a relief," Rowan replied, and I sent him a glare. He was enjoying himself a little too much.

The waiter came back with our food and we both thanked him. Rowan leaned back to the relaxed position he'd been in earlier.

"Okay then what about you?" I said, pointing at him with my fork, "you never said anything about being gay to me."

"I'm not." Rowan said matter-of-factly, and I looked up at him, "I'm bi."

"Oh," I nodded slowly, surprised. All of his past relationships had been very short-lived, so I'd assumed he was simply not attracted to women. "Does anyone know?" I asked, only because he seemed so comfortable sharing that information that I couldn't have been the first person he'd ever told.

"My mom knows," he was cutting up his chicken carefully, "that's it. Doesn't really seem like anyone else's business- people are already overly involved in my life."

"Yeah," I responded, taking a bite of my pasta.

"I'm not gonna go out of my way to hide it though. Too much energy."

I nodded, taking another bite, feeling slightly envious of Rowan. He'd already told his mother. He was clearly confident in his sexuality. If anyone ever tried giving him shit for that... well it'd be their funeral.

Rowan had strength where I had weakness. I wish I could borrow some of it, just for a day, to see what it'd be like.

We ate our meals relatively quickly, before the plates were cleared.

"Oh actually- one other person knows." Rowan said as an afterthought, though he was trying to hold back a smile.

"Oh, who?" I asked, curiosity grabbing hold of my tongue before I could stop it.

"Shea." I blinked, before feeling myself smile too. Of course she does. "I didn't tell her, she just seems to figure everything out."

The waiter brought over a receipt and handed it to Rowan, but before I could even grab my card Rowan had signed the paper and closed the booklet.

"Wha-? Wait we didn't pay yet why are you signing?"

Rowan flashed me his signature charming smile,

"Oh, I gave them my card on the way in, figured you'd try something."

***

Evan had gone home after dropping me off, so I decided to take a trip.

The led lights shone too brightly on the familiar white tile floors. The hospital looked like it always did, dreary, lifeless.

My father too looked the same as he did a few nights prior, though some color had creeped back into his sunken skin. I'd gotten over the absurdity of how quickly he'd aged in the past decade, I'd almost completely erased the images of him from my youth, though sometimes they'd pop into my mind uninvited.

"Dad." I snapped my fingers above his closed eyes. I didn't want to touch him. I didn't want to feel his slowly deteriorating body, I didn't want to be reminded that he chose this. He'd had everything, and instead he chose this.

His eyes opened, and he blinked around the room before his eyes landed on me. They looked lifeless, sad.

"Hey, son." He pushed himself up to sit, "how long have I been here?"

"Just since this morning."

He sighed, and I knew he was disappointed. Disappointed that he still had a day in the hospital before they'd let him back out to the streets, before he could get as high as he wished.

"Who gave you the gun this time?" I studied his face closely, he'd mastered the art of manipulation before I'd finished elementary school.

He frowned, and I knew he wanted me to think he didn't remember. That he was too drugged out to have a clue.

"What gun?"

"Don't." I said, clenching my teeth. "I know you got another gun. I know you remember how you got it. Tell me, so I can leave."

My father paused, his face blank as he decided whether or not he wanted to continue playing dumb.

"Why do ya wanna know, son?"

"Just fucking tell me."

"Gonna scare off the seller again?"

"Maybe."

"Why would ya do that to me? Ya want me out there with no fuckin' protection?"

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

"I don't want you to fucking kill someone."

My father looked at me, seeming hurt that I could ever accuse him of such a thing. He blinked, but his expression slowly changed, and he narrowed his eyes in anger.

"You know, that's rich comin' from you."

I felt my body tense for a moment, and my gaze bore into his, until his eyes nervously darted away as if he regretted opening his mouth. But he crossed his arms and looked back to me with contempt.

"Well, what the fuck does that mean?" I spit out, feeling my face heat.

"There's rumors about ya out there, son."

I failed to hold back my laugh, it was bitter.

Aren't there always?

"Ah so, you and your druggies are telling each other little fairytales now?" My hands clenched together tightly, and I made sure they were out of his sight. "There's a great one about a girl who falls down a rabbit hole, I'm sure that'd be a huge hit at your next junkie convention."

My father frowned at the joke with disapproval, a look I hadn't seen on his face in years. I felt my anger grow at that.

Who the fuck are you to act like I'm the disappointment?

"Melvin told me Ray's still missin'... and he's pretty convinced you killed him."

I felt the corner of my mouth turn upwards in a sneer.

"Awe... poor guy." My voice was venomous, and I quickly blinked away the image of a dark blue sky.

"The police won't take him seriously. He's considering hiring a private investigator, Rowan." My dad sounded worried, so I abruptly pushed up from my chair and grabbed my car keys from my pocket.

"Tell Melvin that I strongly encourage him to do that. I'd love to see him lose all his money." I headed towards the door, frustrated but done. I'd easily find the gun dealer without his help.

"Rowan." I turned, my hand tightly gripping the door knob behind me. "If you didn't kill him... then you at least know what happened."

The image of Evan with a bruised and bloodied face flashed through my mind, his eyes sadder than I'd ever seen them. I took a deep breath, steadying my emotions.

"Whatever happened to Ray, he deserved."

***