***

Snow had started to bury the plants and hug the branches of the trees, and the skies darkened earlier and earlier as winter settled in for good. Everything seemed quieter when it snowed, which left me with only my thoughts.

I'd told Rowan the night before that my parents wanted me to stay. It was a weak excuse to avoid talking to him about what had happened, I just needed more time. Time to figure out what to tell him, how to say it. But it only seemed to make me more anxious the longer I kept it from him, and now I had to worry about explaining why I took so long to bring it up at all.

He'd invited me over again, so either I'd run out of time to stall, or it'd be obvious that I was avoiding him.

"Evan, did you hear me?" My dad popped his head up from where he was crouched next to my car on the icy driveway. He was attempting to show me how to fit snow chains to my tires, though I was both heavily distracted and freezing. I sat in the driver's seat, with only cold air blowing through the vents of my car.

"No- dad the heat still isn't working."

"I asked you to inch forward a bit- I need to cover the rest of the tire." He rubbed his nose, looking unbothered by the cold. "And of course it's not working yet the engine hasn't heated up. It'll take a few minutes."

"How am I supposed to put the car in drive when my hands are frozen solid?"

"Your mother told you to put gloves on!"

"I didn't think I'd need them cause I've got a heater in the car!"

My dad leaned through my open window and changed the gear from park to drive. I mumbled a thanks feeling like a spoiled child, and gently stepped on the gas.

"Okay, stop there- perfect."

Once the chains were all placed properly I hurried back inside, seizing a cup of hot chocolate right out of my mothers hands.

"-Evan!" She whipped around trying to grab it back,

"Wait- mom let me just have this one and I'll make you a new one now- I'm so cold," I took a big gulp of the hot chocolate, and it warmed me up like magic.

"I told you to dress warmer didn't I? Where are your gloves?"

"It doesn't matter now, does it?" I poured some milk into a pot and started boiling it, before adding the chocolate powder to a cup.

After a few minutes, I handed her the fresh hot chocolate before joining my dad on the couch while he watched the news.

"Ah, fuck. Not another shooting."

Shooting...

"You're not surprised, are you?" My mom asked him from the kitchen.

Images of the gun I'd hid the night before popped into my mind for the hundredth time that day.

"Of course not it's just fucking miserable."

There was no way Rowan's dad would have found the gun...

"Absolutely."

What if he needed it? For protection? My hands clenched into themselves and I felt my palms sweat. What if I'd taken his only form of defense away from him?

He was literally going to shoot himself in the skull if you hadn't. He almost shot you!

But what if someone else killed him today instead? Because you took away his gun?

My eyes shot to the tv screen, quickly reading the headline and releasing a breath. The shooting wasn't local.

There are other ways to kill someone though-

"Evan, what do you think about family night tonight? We could go see a movie, play mini golf, go bowling again, whatever you want."

"Uh," I blinked, thrown off by the sudden change of topic. "I made plans with Rowan tonight actually- and Erik." I added on quickly.

My mom seemed delighted by this news, happy that her son was pursuing some sort of social life.

"We'll reschedule then!"

***

I waited twenty minutes in the parking garage before texting Rowan that I'd arrived. I was trying to rehearse, to prepare how to even bring up the topic of his father.

My phone rang within a few seconds of sending the text, and I cleared my throat before answering.

"Hey,"

"Which garage are you at? Wanna go grab some food? I can meet you at your car."

Despite the heavy topic I'd have to soon bring up, Rowan's voice brought me a little peace of mind.

"Uh, sure- I'm not sure where exactly I parked though..."

"Just send me your location. I'll be there in a few?"

"Okay sweet- I'm on the first level."

"See you soon."

I bit the inside of my cheek as I waited in the car, my stomach tightening. I wasn't hungry in the slightest, and pressed down against my palms, trying to force out the straining of my nerves with physical pressure.

You're just telling him what happened. He has a right to know.

You can't keep this from him.

A few minutes passed and a knock on my window broke me out of my trance with a jump. I felt a smile break at seeing him again, despite my mood. Rowan was waiting outside, and I opened the door to greet him properly.

"Hey," I didn't know whether to go in for a hug or just stand there, but Rowan wrapped an arm around me solving my dilemma.

"Thanks for coming by," he said before releasing me. "I can drive us, my car is in the garage across the street."

"Oh- no you've wasted too much gas driving me around. I can take us, my car is closer," I said, patting my Volkswagen awkwardly on the hood. "Plus I have brand new snow chains on the tires."

Rowan's eyes lit up with amusement, before he nodded slowly.

"I wouldn't call it a waste, but okay- dinners on me." He walked around to the passenger seat.

"What? No- you said last time-"

"Yeah that doesn't count if you're driving though," he said smoothly as he got in the car, as if this was a well established social rule that I'd somehow never heard of.

I got back into the car, confused, before figuring I'd just try and pull my card out at dinner later. I had other things to worry about.

I realized Rowan had never seen me drive, and I also realized how shitty my car was in comparison to his. I reminded myself that he'd already seen it, he got it fixed, so there was no use getting embarrassed by it now.

"Uh, where to?" I asked backing out of the parking spot more carefully than I would've if I were alone.

"There's a nice Italian place about eight minutes from here," he answered while adjusting the seat further back to make room for his legs. "I can just tell you how to get there."

I nodded, feeling my voice die in my throat as my stomach twisted again, reminding me of what I needed to say. But I couldn't do it. My mind was chanting tell him, get it over with! But my voice wouldn't work, my mouth wouldn't open, instead I just bit my tongue trying to focus on driving well and listening to Rowan's directions.

"Right at the next light then just go straight for a while," I nodded again, keeping my eyes glued to the road. I could feel his gaze on me, I wondered if I was acting strange.

"You okay?" He asked, answering my question.

"Mhmm," I answered, knowing that any more than a few words would give me away. "Why?"

"Well you haven't looked at me once during the ride," I blinked at his matter-of-fact tone, "and your knuckles are white from how hard you're gripping the steering wheel."

I glanced down at my hands fast, noticing that he was right, and tried to loosen my grip.

"Oh," I answered quietly, thinking of what to say.

God why'd this have to happen now?

"The restaurants right up here," he pointed to a dark brown, sleek wooden building, which gave me a few more seconds to pretend to divert my attention to parking. "What's the matter?" Rowan's voice was soft, and I bit the inside of my cheek to try and stop my throat from constricting.

"I, uh..." my fingers twisted the key so the engine turned off, which I realized too late only added more silence to the car. "There's something... I need to tell you..."

I could feel the curiosity coming from Rowan without him having to say anything. The car was silent, and I couldn't stop myself from fidgeting with my hands, applying pressure to my nerves to distract myself.

"Okay," his voice didn't waver, it was merely focused. I felt tears blurring my vision and Rowan took my right hand in his, drowning it in warmth. The tears finally fell and I tried wiping them away, but more only replaced them. Rowan pulled me closer to him and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, still holding my hand.

No, no, no- I should be comforting him. Why the fuck am I crying?

I pulled away slightly, trying to regain my composure.

"Rowan I..." I let out a shaky breath, "I saw your dad last night."

Rowan's eyebrows drew together slightly in confusion, but didn't say anything or drop my hand. He just nodded slightly, waiting for me to continue.

"I didn't mean to- I thought he needed some food so I went to buy him a pizza when I was picking up my parents order..." I wiped my eyes again, hating myself for being so emotional. "I realized he was your dad when I offered..."

I hiccuped and paused, wondering what Rowan was thinking, wondering if this would be it. He squeezed my hand slightly, his eyes not leaving my face.

"Did he do anything to you- did he hurt you?" There was a slight sense of urgency in his voice, like maybe he expected his dad to have hit me.

"He didn't touch me at all," I reassured him, and it wasn't a lie. "Just when I went out to give him his food he had gotten high on something, and he had this..." I paused, but Rowan just tightened his grip.

"Don't worry Evan, I'm used to this." I cast my eyes downwards, because hearing that didn't make me feel any better, only a lot worse.

"He had a gun," I sniffed, "and he was pointing it at himself, talking about how he wanted to die..."

Rowan nodded slowly, "so I kind of, got him to drop it and he passed out.... then I got rid of the gun." I felt my chest constrict again, "but now I'm wondering maybe I got rid of his only defense, maybe he needed it but I don't know what he would've done with it and now-"

"Evan," I stopped babbling and met his gaze. He was surprisingly calm. "You did the right thing, don't worry. But did you touch the gun? With your hands?"

I paused, then shook my head, "no I tipped it into an old pizza box with my shoe then tossed it in the dumpster."

Rowan released a breath, his expression relaxing a bit more.

"Okay, good."

"You're not mad-? I just left him-"

"No, Evan not at all. And the hospital called my mom this morning, they checked him in cause some officers saw he was passed out on the street, almost overdosed-"

"Oh my god Rowan- I could've done something- gotten help-"

"No, this is just a regular Saturday for him, you don't understand. There's nothing to be done, and he always ends up alive." There was something of a bitter tone to the end of his sentence, maybe I'd imagined it.

"Next time I'll call someone for help or tell you first-"

Rowan grabbed both of my hands and looked me in the eyes, his voice deepening dangerously.

"Evan, if there is a next time, you'll get as far away from him as you possibly can."

***