Rowan's forehead met mine, his breath hot against my skin. My eyes lowered to his lips, even with the dim lighting I could see them clearly, and my stomach squirmed at their proximity.

Even though there was music playing and voices carrying throughout the courtyard, the room was quiet. My senses were all focused on the man in front of me, his breathing, his warmth, his hands.

They were on my skin, their soft touch sending heat throughout my body. Rowan leaned in closer, his lips only inches from mine. He paused, and my eyes wandered to his, wondering if I could read them like he did mine so often.

He looked like he was battling with himself, his eyes burning darkly into mine with something that he was trying to hold back. I didn't want him to hold back.

Maybe he was thinking back to the first time we'd kissed, the reason he'd ended it, thinking of all the things he couldn't say. But in that moment, I didn't care about his other secrets, I wanted to bury myself in his scent that consumed us, I wanted him closer.

Rowan started to back away, but stopped when I moved with him, his eyes flickering between mine before dropping down to my lips.

"Evan..." his whisper was low, it's deep timbre sending a new rush of butterflies through my body. I met his gaze, my fingers finding their way to his shirt, nervously fiddling with the fabric. Rowan released a breath, his eyes turning down to them. "There's... there's still things I can't tell you..."

His hand had made its way to the back of my neck, his fingers softly intertwined in my hair. I held in a sigh, still watching his eyes explore.

"That's ok." I answered after a moment, distracted by the way he felt on my skin. "You don't have to tell me."

I felt my hands tighten around his shirt. I just wanted to be close to him. I was slowly realizing that maybe he wouldn't kiss me, maybe he was too conflicted, his thoughts were running too wild to start something. I leaned into him, laying my head against his chest. It rose slowly, and he pulled me closer, resting his chin on my head.

I closed my eyes, the sound of his breathing slowly calming down my erratic heartbeat.

We both wanted more, but I knew he was torn. I knew I couldn't be the one to make it worse. We stayed like that for a while, silent, drowning in our own thoughts.

Maybe one day... I smiled at the thought. Maybe when our lives were more predictable, maybe when he wasn't fighting a battle with his coach, his dad, himself.

After a few minutes I shifted further onto my side, getting even closer to Rowan, his body heat drawing me in more and more, but he put a hand on my shoulder, and pushed me lightly away, back against the bed. My face flushed and I felt my heartbeat increase again, had I gotten too close? Rowan hovered above me, his expression unreadable.

"I'm sorry..." I mumbled out, but Rowan just shook his head slowly before leaning down, gently touching his lips to mine.

My head spun before I kissed him back, resting my hand on his bicep. His grip moved from my shoulder down to my waist, pushing me further under him and into the bed. His pillows were soft, and it felt like I was falling through them as he kissed me deeper, the hand in my hair pulling me close while his tongue pushed further.

There was a faint voice in my head, telling me I was out of my element. Reminding me of my inexperience, reminding me how in high school Sonya Beckett had to hold back a laugh at said inexperience after less than thirty seconds into seven minutes in heaven.

Rowan's head lowered and I caught some air, feeling dizzy. He kissed my cheek, jawline, then neck, each spot followed by a light tingling on my skin. I watched as Rowan reached my collarbone and his hands slowly fell to the bottom of the oversized shirt I wore, lifting it and exposing my navel. I propped myself back up on my elbows, brushing aside the dark mess of my hair that seemed to be sticking out in every direction. My face flushed further as I realized that he could see me, my body, the muscles that weren't there like his, the pale color of my skin that reflected how little I exposed any part of myself.

"You okay?" His voice was low as he sat up, tugging his own shirt off with a quick pull over his head. I mirrored him, feeling self-conscious as the rest of my chest became visible. My arm instinctively crossed over my stomach, as if that was the key to hiding the vast differences between our bodies.

"Yeah," I breathed out, my eyes trailing over his chest shamelessly, wondering how on earth somebody who looked like that was expressing any interest in me. Was this real?

Rowan moved closer, gently running a hand on the side of my arm that crossed my stomach.

"Are you sure?" His eyes were peering into mine full of care, and I knew he could read the insecurities on my mind right as I thought them. I nodded, finding all the necessary words caught in the back of my throat, and he placed a gentle hand on the side of my head, his finger tracing over the edge of my ear. "You really are beautiful, you know?"

Beautiful. Coming from Rowan, that word felt like so, so much more. I felt a smile creep into my face, which surely couldn't get any more pink than it already was. His dark eyes sparkled at that, and I leaned forward at a loss for words, wanting to be enveloped by him once again.

Rowan kissed me back deeper than before, and I wrapped my arm around his neck for support as he pushed me back down against the sheets. His hand was tangled again in my hair, the other lightly touching my bare chest. I made an incoherent sound against his lips, but I was too caught up in him to let the embarrassment linger. I felt him smile, and he slowly moved down again, planting a kiss on my chest, then my stomach. I bit my lip and held in a laugh as my body tensed, and Rowan looked up, his eyes intrigued.

"You're ticklish?" He was smiling, and I shook my head quickly though my excessive lip biting gave me away. "You sure about that?" Rowan dragged his fingers lightly below my chest and I quickly grabbed his hand, pulling it up towards me.

"Please," I said behind a laugh, "don't do it." Rowan's smile grew and he moved back up to me, his arms wrapping around me and pulling me back against his chest.

"You're safe... for now," His lips were at my ear and I leaned farther back into him. His fingers twitched at my stomach and I covered his hands with mine, knowing full well he could easily overcome them with little to no effort. "I can't promise how I'll feel in a few minutes though."

I smiled and my grip over his hands tightened as he laughed softly against me. I wanted to bottle that sound up and keep it with me forever.

I felt myself relax in his arms, my breathing slowing. It was the safest I'd ever felt, I didn't want to move.

After a few minutes, I felt Rowans breathing steady, his heart beating lightly against my skin. I closed my eyes, savoring the familiar sweet vanilla scent that surrounded me, knowing that if that's all I smelled for the rest of my life I'd be happy.

I knew I fell asleep before Rowan, because I woke up after a few moments to the feeling of the bed shifting as he got up and turned his lamp off, leaving the only light coming from the courtyard outside. The bed moved again as he got back, wrapping his arm around me again and pulling a soft blanket over us.

***

I woke up with a start to a loud banging on the door, blinking around in confusion before realizing where I was. Rowan was already sitting up, tossing the blanket off of him.

The music was still playing outside, and I wondered how late the students below would party and celebrate.

"One sec," Rowan mumbled to the door, his voice thick with sleep. He quickly pulled on the shirt he'd discarded earlier and headed to the door, opening it a bit. I was out of sight from whoever was on the other side, but I shrunk back into the covers regardless.

"Dude..."

"Shea, it's three in the morning."

"Rowan, he's back."

Rowan's body stiffened, and I saw his hand twist over the door handle.

"What do you mean he's back?"

"I mean he's in the lobby right now. Throwing some fuckin' fit and probably about to get arrested." Rowans hand traveled to his hair, tugging it in frustration.

"He's in the lobby?"

"Yeah. Keeps saying your name, I dunno it's not making any sense."

Rowan covered his face with his hand, his shoulders slumped. I quietly sat up against the headboard and moved my gaze to the dark sheets in front of me, I felt like I was intruding on too personal of a moment, one he wouldn't want me to see. The shadows against the sheets made them look like ripples in the ocean.

"Shit. I'll come down in a minute, can you tell the receptionist not to call the cops?"

"Yeah, I think she did already but I'll talk to them."

"Thank you."

Rowan closed the door gently and turned to his closet, quickly digging out a dark coat and a pair of jeans.

"Sorry about that," he said quietly with his back turned as he quickly shrugged the jeans on over his thin shorts.

"It's okay," I cleared my throat, unable to stop the small frown that only reflected a fraction of what I was feeling. "Are you- is everything..." I stopped myself, instead watching him slip on his shoes. It was a stupid question. Obviously everything wasn't okay.

"It'll be fine," he said, and straightened up, grabbing his phone from the bedside table. "Just..." he glanced towards the door before sitting down next to me, unable to meet my eyes. "Just stay here, okay?" I nodded, looking down at his hands which were tightly gripping his phone. "Don't let anyone in, the door automatically locks so don't worry about that."

"Okay," the beat to the music below us changed and I heard a range of voices drunkenly yell in excitement and approval. I numbly thought that that's what Rowan should've been doing, celebrating late into the night with no more worries than an average college student.

Rowan pulled the blanket higher over me, he was offering me a smile as if hoping it'd put my mind at ease that everything was fine, that this was a normal occurrence. I couldn't help but notice the way it differed from how it'd been before, how it wasn't pure like it'd been earlier.

"Thanks," I returned his smile, grabbing the blanket that was still warm from our combined body heat.

"I'll be back soon," he stood up, grabbing his car keys and heading to the door. "You can go back to sleep, call me if you need anything."

The door closed softly behind him, and my body told me it wouldn't let me sleep. Not now.

***

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