I was nodding, my hands fidgeting before I noticed I'd stood there for too long without saying anything.

I quickly turned and opened my closet, searching for the folding mattress I'd stowed away months ago while I processed the thought of Rowan staying the night.

Rowan- who I'd kissed the last time we'd been in my room together.

I pulled the mattress out before my fingers thumbed through the sheets on the bottom shelf. I wanted to tell him to sleep on my bed. It was big enough for two, I was sure I could go the whole night without rolling into him. But I probably wouldn't be able to sleep knowing he'd be beside me either.

I couldn't. I couldn't risk the chance.

I silently walked to turn the lights off, and felt Rowan's gaze follow me before slipping back into my closet and tilting the door shut. I blindly reached for a clean shirt, changing into it and pulling on my pajama pants as quickly as possible. I hastily straightened myself before my head banged against the top shelf. I bit back a curse and prayed he didn't hear the commotion.

"You okay in there?" I squeezed my eyes shut in mortification and nodded, before realizing he couldn't see me.

"Yeah," I said, slipping past the door. "Just clumsy."

Rowan's eyes fell to my shirt, the corner of his lip curling upwards before traveling back to mine. I looked down, realizing too late that I was wearing the Creighton Basketball tee Erik had given me days before.

My face flushed furiously and I cursed myself for picking out my clothes in the dark.

"Oh, uh- Erik gave this to me," I babbled, unsure of where this was going. "For the game- didn't realize I still had it," -yes you did- "I'm..." My arms crossed over my chest and I stared at the floor, wondering if staying silent would be better.

"Looks good on you."

He said it so casually, and I wondered if he enjoyed watching my face go from pink to crimson. Maybe he was having a competition with himself; Let's see how red Evan can get before the night is over. His eyes flickered back to the window, the smile growing slightly.

"Thanks..." I cleared my throat, "uh, I'll sleep here," I motioned towards the mattress I'd unfolded to the floor. "You can have the bed." I said it without looking at him, still mortified and sure this night would haunt me for the rest of time.

I heard a light chuckle, and kept my eyes trained on the mattress.

"No," his tone was light, amused. "It's your house, you're sleeping in your own bed."

I felt uncomfortable. Sure, Alex had slept on it many times, but that was Alex. He'd happily sleep on a hardwood floor if he was drunk enough.

Just tell him he can sleep with you, in your bed.

But don't say it like that.

Friends sleep in the same bed all the time! Why is this so hard?!

Are we even friends?

After a moment of wishing the ground would just swallow me up whole and erase me from existence, I crawled into bed, nervously eyeing him. He'd reclined in my desk chair, his socked feet resting on the windowsill as he carefully watched the outside like a guard dog.

The pothos plant Lucy had strategically placed above the window hung over him like a curtain, it's leaves creating a mystical silhouette that made my wonder spike as I thought, this would make a great picture.

"You don't have to sleep on the floor."

I said it without thinking, turning my gaze to the ceiling so I wouldn't see his reaction. My voice was small, and I'd pulled the blankets high enough to hide my reddened face behind them. I hoped he didn't think I was coming onto him.

Well what the fuck else is he supposed to think?

"Just gonna keep an eye out for a bit." His voice was friendly, not addressing the sleeping arrangements I hinted at but not rejecting them either.

I nodded, and waited for him to turn back to the window before sneaking another glance.

He was focused, his eyes hardly blinking as he analyzed the few passing cars. He looked comfortable as he leaned back in my rigid chair, one I'd complained about to my mom for being too creaky, loud.

His jawline looked porcelain from the side. Like it'd been sculpted by a renaissance artist attempting to create an embodiment of the word perfect.

My eyelids were feeling heavy, like they'd been filled with lead.

I wondered if he'd stay there all night.

***

I didn't know when I'd fallen asleep. I didn't know how.

But somebody was pulling me out of my deep slumber, and the faceless tormentors with vile laughs faded from my mind.

Not somebody- Rowan.

"Hmm?" I tried to sit, instead leaning against the pillows, "wha-happened?" My voice was heavy with sleep and my mind dazed, slowly trying not to mix reality with the dark fragments of my dream. Had he seen something? Heard someone?

"You..." his low voice seemed uncertain for once, "you were saying things. In your sleep."

It was still dark, and Rowan was sitting on the edge of my bed next to me, leaning in close enough for me to smell the minty scent lingering from his toothpaste.

"Oh." My mind scrambled to try to cling onto the fading images of my nightmares, hoping for a clue to know the nature of what he'd heard.

Certainly nothing good.

My mind was slowly catching up to my body, and I noticed a foreign pressure against my palm. My eyes lowered and fixed on my hand. Rowans was covering it, his thumb grazing against my skin.

Instead of shock, the realization that he was holding my hand soothed me after a moment. I felt my eyelids drop a fraction as my heart slowed back down from its panicked rate. His touch was cool, calming.

"Sorry," I felt the urge to close my eyes again, knowing that my dreams wouldn't turn dark again if his touch stayed. "I didn't wake you did I?" My words came out mumbled, and a faint voice in the back of my mind was telling me that I was embarrassing myself again.

"No," his features were barely visible, his figure just out of reach from the moonlight glow. The same glow that was making me squint slightly, dull but effective. "I was still awake."

I gave a small nod from against my pillow, feeling guilt trickle in as I realized he was up because of me.

"And don't apologize." He added, before his hand slipped from mine and he stood back up, leaving a cold, empty feeling in my chest.

"Wait," I grabbed his hand again before I could think of what else to do. It was desperation. I needed his touch, his comfort. I didn't want to revisit my nightmares. I felt the moonlight in my eyes as I looked up at him.

Maybe I said it because I was half asleep, or because I could barely make him out in the dark. I could pretend I was asking someone else, someone whose opinions mattered less to me.

"Can you..." I paused, my gaze falling to the empty space on my sheets he'd been on moments ago, wondering if I'd only make things uncomfortable for him. His hand tightened over mine slightly, a silent invitation for me to continue. "Stay?"

There was a moment of silence, the still air between us swimming with both of our thoughts.

Rowan took a step back towards the bed before sitting down again, his hand still in mine.

"Yeah," he breathed, and I felt myself calming again. "Of course."

I fumbled for the pillow on my other side, groggily placing it next to mine for him. He paused a moment as if thinking about the silent offer, before he slowly lay against it, his hand still in mine.

There was a warmth in my chest, it slowly trickled out through my body. This felt right.

I wanted to watch the moonlight bounce off Rowan's calm features, his eyes on the ceiling above us. But I felt myself drifting, the sleep from before was calling to me, much more welcoming.

My body curled towards him, and I found my cheek against the side of his chest, burying myself in his sweet scent.

"Thanks." I mumbled into him, my eyes fully closed.

Rowan shuffled slightly above the sheets, his body moving in closer. I felt his free hand travel to the back of my head, his arm resting over mine as his fingers mixed in with my hair, holding me against his chest.

I wanted to stay awake, appreciate the slow sound of his heart beating. But my body wouldn't let me.

I let out a light, involuntary sigh as his thumb grazed the spot below my ear. I could hear his steady breathing, feel his chest rise and fall against me and I thought,

So this is what peace feels like.

***